To think that MIL will never apologise to me

[AnyLondoner]

My MIL and I had a big argument couple months ago, she really really HURT me deeply. She called me names, a bad mother etc. It was really uncalled for, she always picks at everything I do, and that when we had that argument, he was in the house with us but didn’t say a word. When I told her to get out, she refused because her son “ pays the rent”. And he didn’t tell her to out, so she just stood there. I felt worthless and humiliated. We’ve always had problems, and after every argument I would always reach out to her and we would start speaking again, this time I just couldn’t get myself to do it, there comes a time when you have to draw a line and there’s just too much water under the bridge. I’m just so hurt and I gave up trying to have a relationship with her, even though I’m leaving her son she’s still the grandmother of my children, I wanted to have some sort of relationship with her but now I don’t.

I’ve always felt like the second woman in his life, they have a weird relationship and another kind MNer helped me see what kind of sick and unhealthy relationship they have.

So couple days after that argument, she came round and I just said hi, even though I didn’t want to speak to her. But I wanted to make things easier for myself whilst he lived here ( I’ve told him several times I don’t want his mum to come here, and if he wants to see her he should go to her house, she lives 10 mins from us but he refuses) when she’s here, I just go to my bedroom or busy cleaning the kitchen.

Four weeks ago he told me that she wants to apologise to me, and til this day I’m still waiting. She comes round 3-4 times a week, she’s had every chance to do it, there’s been times where we were both alone in the kitchen etc. She could easily have turned around and said something, or texted me. She’s even texted me yesterday asking me to wake him up.

So I’m saying, she’s had a chance to say something.

3 years ago the same thing happened, we had a big argument and she told SIL she wanted to apologise to me but she didn’t.

Help me understand why she does this wise MNers.

Sounds like she thinks her saying she wants to apologise to someone knowing it’ll get back to you is her way of saying sorry. Which isn’t an apology at all. I’d be saying oh x says you wanted to apologise, but that was a month ago, so is there something you’d like to say?

Im guessing she is telling your DP she wants to apologise so she looks like shes trying and that you're the bad guy. But she doesn't cos she doesn't really feel she had anything to apologise for and knows she doesn't have to as her son will support her.
I doubt she will change. Are you leaving her son? If so... job done. Cut her off. The kids will be better off without her in their lives.

Def not standing in the 'she may have dementia' crowd.
She is just a bitch.

HTH
Delete and block her number.
Get some headphones and busy yourself in another room /drink coffee away from her.
Your dh sounds a prize twat.

Fwiw it’s exhausting and I have the same with my mum. Never acknowledges she’s wrong, never apologises. Pathetic, you’d think they’d want to set the example to their gc

Exactly. That's what I was thinking, she wants to make it look like she's trying, but she has no intention of actually doing it. Yes I'm leaving him, and when he moves out I told him, the house will be MINE and I don't want to see her again. He agreed, but until then I just have to wait til he moves out.

She sounds awful, saying you WANT to apologise is definitely not the same as actually apologising. I am in the camp of asking her if she is going to apologise to you.
I also wouldn't be nice to her, no saying hi etc, why is she even coming round?

So when's he moving out then? Or has he taken a leaf out of his mum's book - say you're gonna do it but never actually get round to it? He may need a bit of persuading...

Whose name is the tenancy in? The situation sounds intolerable.

I know this 'cute' act. My MIL walks to the front of the car pulls open the door and say in a little voice 'KC225 you sit here, and I'll go to the back'. Said in front of DH as she is sliding into the passenger seat and then for the when journey she talks to him in their own language so I am not included. It is so fake and sends me raging.

You MIL has no intentions of apologizing to you and she never did. She said it to your DH to make herself look better.

I cannot imagine what it must be like having a woman like that around 3 to 4 times a week. Evey time she steps over the threshold whilst not aplogisng it is chipping away at your esteem. It myst be souk destroying. I would struggle to respect a partner who was so roughshod with feelings. I think your suggestion of him going to hers without you is a good compromise. Why won't you DH go to her house? Can he not meet her elsewhere? Why doesn't you opinion matter?

Mine never apologises. I take it as a power stance kind of thing. She is the senior, I am the junior.

It's very destructive, really, the lack of a basic "sorry, I didn't realise that would inconvenience you to the point where you would want to murder me"

I hope she pulls herself together. A MIL who doesn't really care is kind of pointless.

Speaking from experience if she hasn't apologised by now she never will. My mil is the same, never apologises for her behaviour expects everyone to suck it up and approach her. Don't give in. It's not up to you to facilitate any sort of contact between her and her grandkids that is your DPs job. I'd just carry on avoiding her.

When is he moving out ?

@KC225 it really is soul destroying and there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait for him to move out, as I'm not in the position to move out. I just try to avoid her tbh, I don't engage in any conversation with her like I did before. If she speaks to me which rarely happens I keep it short.

I know hate is a strong word, but I hate the woman. The things that she's done and the way she's treated me over the years is appalling. And I don't respect or love him because of everything that's happened in the past, he's never stood up for me. Always put his mother's feelings before mine. I've heard he's told her that hes met someone new, and she's yet to meet her. But I can't help but think to myself, how long will it take before the new partner realises she will never be number one in his life, and there's this old 60 something bat who comes before her?

@Inertia the tenancy is in his name, but when he moves out I'll take over.

@Singlenotsingle he's moving out in couple of months, hopefully.

I know it's hard and it's your house but try as much as you can to stay out of her way. Block her on your phone and ignore her.
She isn't going to apologise sadly.

Old60somethingbat??? I might have to change my name!