AIBU to move away from my partner for work?

[Badbird]

Hi all, just wanted to gain some insight on this.

I have been offered a role in another city that would take me a plane journey or several hours drive from my partner. (no DC.) We have been together for 10 years and have spent most of that time together aside from 3 months or so when he was working away.

Last year my partner and I both moved from the city we met and spent 9 years together in down to London for his work. This was agreed to be a temporary move, we would eventually move back after 1 or 2 years or as the job situation allowed. Unfortunately this meant I had to retrain as my specialism was very oversubscribed down south and it was difficult for me to get a job. I have been doing a fast-track MSc course in my new discipline and have been applying for jobs.

The role I have just been offered is a very good graduate scheme where I would earn as I was trained and hopefully see quite a quick progression in my career, but it is closer to where I am originally from and quite far from London.

My partner has been very supportive of me and telling me he doesn't mind if I do this. The plan being that I would spend 1 or 2 years there and he would come and join me as soon as he can. I still can't help feeling extremely guilty and that I'm doing the wrong thing. I could get a job in my new specialism in London, but to be honest I really like the company and the sound of the grad scheme. Plus I have felt isolated down in London and would welcome the chance to be closer to home where my friends and family are.

My guilt is made worse given the fact that my DP has a chronic health condition, it is well controlled and he has been well for a while now but I still see myself as his caretaker most days and the thought that he might become unwell while I am away really fills me with dread.

Honestly wwyd?

I think it’s unlikely he will be joining you after 1-2 years apart. I should think this would efficiently end the relationship tbh.

Also to leave a partner you’ve been with for 10 years that has chronic health problems is a bit off, that isn’t really what a relationship is about.

No I wouldn’t be going becuase I’d rather be with the man I’d been with 10 years and loved, a job isn’t going to keep you warm at night

You asked honestly and this is just my opinion but Whatever you decide good luck!

Honestly, I wouldn’t if I had been in a 10 year relationship that was stable with no real issues and my partner had a chronic health condition. Long distance is hard and it doesn’t work for me personally and that was when it was only a 2/3 hour drive away.

Only you can know whether your relationship would be okay as other people manage with long distance. If you do it I think there needs to be a clear plan of how long it will be for. In my experience with friends who have done something similar, they built separate lives away from each other as there was no clear end date and they just drifted apart.

I'm opposite to other posters- it sounds like you have sacrificed a lot for your partner and it's ok to want to do this.

People can make long distance work and it's great that he is supportive of you.

I'd give it a go if it were me!

Thank you for your responses. I am taking them on board and weighing up what to do. As I say he has been very supportive of me wanting to do this and we have a very honest and supportive relationship in general. I have no thoughts that this would end us, as I say I suppose its his health that is the major worry.

Can you afford 2 lots of housing costs?

OP go for it. If you had dc I would be saying something different but your DP is a grown man. How bad is his health? You have sacrificed for him and he has made it clear that he is fine with it. Grab it with both hands! It is a big regret of mine and I will never get the chance again.

Absolutely do it, OP. Your relationship, if it is strong and mutually-supportive should never get in the way of other good things, and you've already shown your flexibility in moving for his job.

DH and I had been together about ten years when I had a really good opportunity in another country, while his job didn't really exist outside of London, and we didn't think twice. We commuted weekly to see one another for six months a year for several years (the rest of the time, the nature of my job allowed me to live with DH and work there), until both of us quit our jobs for other jobs which would allow us to live together FT again in this country. Our relationship has always been strong and mutually-supportive.

The only thing I would say is to talk in advance about who is going to move where after one or two years -- is your DP fully on board about moving to where you will be as soon as he is able?

I wouldn't if I were you. But you're not me so you could feel differently.

I was with DH for almost five years and then he moved halfway around the world for work. It was nine months before I could join him and those nine months sucked. I guess our case is a bit different because we couldn't pop down to see each other for a weekend.

I was so happy when I finally went over to join him. It's not perfect here and I'm lonely and a little depressed but I wouldn't leave him because of that.

Could your (or your partners) position be 4 days/compressed hours? Do either of you get flex time? This would be a big factor for me as it would increase your time off and time available to see one another.

I know plenty of people who work in London and travel to see their families at weekends but it must be very hard.

I would only do it with a specific time frame in mind (e.g. 18mths) where one (or both of you move) and that you are both on board to do the travelling.

Mamamiapartytime: As I am not working I haven't contributed to our current housing costs - my partner has been doing this and the flat is completely in his name. His job is highly paid and this has not been a problem. If I were to go for this role i'd be renting by myself.

Lastnightidreamtofpotatos: He has a heart condition as a result of a heart attack he suffered a few years ago. Thankfully he has had amazing care and support through his cardiologist and is much better now. He is still on a daily regime of medication and will be for the rest of his life. He also has an implanted defibrillator. Thankfully in part due to his young age his cardiologist is very happy with his condition as it stands. It still doesn't stop me worrying about him of course, especially as I was there through his heart attack and know how dire it was at one point.

Is specialism a word then?

My husband and I made our relationship work across continents, but it was fucking hard and I sometimes think our relationship would be even stronger had we not had to go through that. Mostly because of the kind of arguments that wouldn't have happened had we been dating in the same city.

Any chance he could move with you sooner than the 2 years? But either way only you can make this choice, how often would you get to see eachother in the time you're living a part?

Go for it. It is a great opportunity for you. If your relationship is strong, it will survive. It is up to both of you to make it work.

For those saying no because of the worst case scenario of a break up, please also consider the worst case scenario of staying - no job, no support network in the new city, may still break up but in this situation, be left with nothing because of being wholly dependent on a man.

Maintain your independence and your relationship. Take the job, it sounds like he supports you doing so. Long distance relationships take a lot of work but they can be successful.