to be planning on walking out on dh

[InNeedO]

new thread full story
married at 16 4&half year ago (now 21). was the best bf/fiance i could have wished for. things started to turn on the day of my wedding, when i was sat in the car the same night crying as he told me he regretted marrying me. fell pregnant with dd(now 3) almost straight away, things got a bit worse when it turned to 'if he didnt marry me no one would have me' or 'im dirt, ill mever get another man' argument would almost defo end with me in tears begging him to stay with me then 2 hours later acting like we were normal. after having dd 3 weeks later we were drinking for xmas - he hit me, a few times pushed me around slapping me punching me ect. then we would be ok for 2 month or so and itd happen again and again fell pregnant with ds (now nearly 2) things were ok again few arguments nothing much then he started again smashing things, telling me what i was worth, hitting me. he hasnt been physically abusive now for about a year - thats not the reason im leaving i know it should be but its not. the past 8 months or so i feel so alone, he doesnt really talk to me any more, kiss me, hasnt told me he loves me in 8 months! no sex just nothing. hes un happy when hes with me and like wise. so i am planning on leaving him, ds is 2 on 3rd july, i plan just after this. i have no savings and no income so will need to save every penny i get of him for deposit fir a house/furniture ect. AIBU to be planning all this out with out telling him? i feel so much happier when hes gone and excited to go, but when hes home i feel so guilty - feel like hes changing even though hes not and feel like im backing out of this. it will kill me for the first few months but i know ill be happier with out him and my dc will be

sorry for the long post - never included enough detail in last one

I just did a massive reply on your other thread! We must have been writing at the same time!

I can't be arsed to write it all out again so Iv just copied and pasted most of it below ok ineed. good luck

You are definitely making the right decision. I echo others advice to get in touch with women's aid as they can give advice but they can also put you in touch with other organisations that can help get you support and things like grants for the new house etc.

Also you might be entitled to support from certain organisations (there are a few but don't know enough to be able to point you to any sorry) that specifically deal with the traveller community as although you married in the fact remains that through your children you are attached to that community now and there might be things that those organisations just "get" that others places might not if that makes sense.

Oh dear you have so got to get away from this man.
I understand it’s difficult with young dc but you have got to get you and your kids away. Plan, plan and plan some more. Can you get support from family and friends?
With no income it will take you ages to get enough money together.
Loan? Family? Friends? Women’s Aid?
Get out!!!

YANBU you need to get out. Reading your post you are very lucky not to have been seriously hurt when he's been abusive in the past. Have you family or friends you can go to for a couple of weeks while you get a place sorted?
Can you get on the council list as soon as possible? Women's refuge?
I hope so much you have support and help around you. If not seek it or because it is there. Good luck lovely and let is know how you get on xx

I replied on your other thread, I have thought of a possible danger.
Will you be "allowed" to stay away once you are gone?
Is it likely that you and your parents will be tracked down by his community because you have the children?

First port of call should be Women's Aid, and explain everything. They may suggest a shelter initially. And just from reading your first thread, no you should not tell him when you leave. That could be very dangerous. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Hi InNeedO
The first thing you need to do is contact Women's Aid, as you've been advised.
I saw your last thread, and I know you think he will let you go (because you've left before and gone back) but you really shouldn't tell him you're leaving. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when leaving, and 2 women a week are killed by partners or ex partners, some of them have never suffered physical abuse before.

Try to squirrel some money away each week, and find documents like his pay slips, any bank statements etc, and copy them, so you have proof of how much he has/earns, to help with the divorce and child maintenance.

Give Women's Aid a call today, and good luck, you can do this and you're definitely doing the right thing.

I’ve just read your reply to me on the previous thread. I know how you’re feeling as I have been there myself especially the guilt when he comes home wondering if you really want to leave and convincing yourself it’s not so bad... but it is or you’d never have thought of leaving in the first place so you need to trust your gut feeling.

It’s never going to work and you and your children deserve a happy life, you clearly don’t have one now. You have a right to leave if you’re not happy and you aren’t.

Please speak to women’s aid and take some advice as I’m really worried as are pps about your safety. They can help you in your decision and advise on where to go next. I left and I never looked back and I have a really happy life now and my kids are safe. It will never change and I think you know that deep down. Just be brave and bite the bullet because you are worth way more than this 💐

ok, he does scrap, no pay slips - there all in his van with him, but he gets them pain into my bank account because he doesnt have one. i am planning in contacting womans aid & the local council to where i will be after i have left - i dont really know what to sayto womans aid and the council wont do anything bscause they will say i 'voluntarily made my self homeless' havent really saved no money due to ds birthday

As others have said you absolutely have to get yourself and your DD away from this man as quickly and safely as possible. Contact Women'sAid for advice they can advise you about getting out and how the council will house you. You're are not voluntarily homeless after a relationship break down (especially a violent one).

Tell Women's Aid that you're in an abusive marriage and want to leave, so you need advice and help.

Regarding the council, I'm pretty sure that escaping from domestic abuse doesn't count as being intentionally homeless, but Women's Aid will be able to help you with that, so ring them first.

You sound like you're trying to find reasons for not leaving, are you having second thoughts? I know it's scary, but you can do this, you should do this, and you can get help to do this, but you have to make the necessary calls first.

If he is abusive you really owe it to your children to leave. As PP said get in touch with womens aid. No shame in asking for help when you really need it.

Women’s aid will help you with with you need to do with regards to housing etc. When leaving a home due to domestic violence you are not making yourself voluntarily homeless there are provisions put in place to help you and your children in situations like these.

update
today i left him i couldnt wait
it went like this
he started calling me names, i told him if he didnt stop id be going, he never even blinked. he said im going shop - do you want anything back i said no then when he came back half bags were in the car. he sent his little brother in to get little brothers clothes (he was staying with us) i said dont you want to say bye to the children to which he said no, will you be wanting to see them? no and drove of.
feel so down im feeling like i want to go back like how he is with me is a distant memory - hope this passes and i can over come this feeling!!!

Well bloody done inneed!
You are mega brave just keep going even if you think it's easier to just go back just keep going!

This is the worst bit every bit of time after this gets better. Think of it like getting ill. In the middle of it you feel awful but as each day passes it gets better as you heal then sometimes you get those lingering symptoms but eventually things improve and one day you look back and it feels so long ago that you can't even remember all of it just that it was bad and you hope you never have to go through it again.