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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to parent a 6 year old girls friendship issues

19 replies

Bonjourmonami73 · 19/06/2018 22:40

Just that really- 6 year old DD has come home today upset and feeling rejected because a school friend told her she wasn’t her BFF. DD desperately wants to fit in but always seems on the outside of friendship groups. She has friends and gets invited to lots of parties but all the other girls are paired off or in nursery groups still and DD doesn’t seem to have found her tribe and even at 6 this seems to be a real issue for her.
Aibu to ask how to deal with this- she seems so little to get so upset about this but she really is. It wasn’t helped by a couple of the girls in nursery together going on a mini holiday together - it just seems to have reinforced her not feeling part of anything. I have done play dates but she doesn’t seem to get asked unless I ask first

Aibu to be worried too- she seems SO little. My DS never had these issues.

OP posts:

Homemenu1 · 19/06/2018 23:06

There is really is nothing you can do at the moment unless it becomes a bigger issue. Ds is a third wheel and it breaks my heart to hear him feel left out and just wanting to be included.
I did speak to the teacher when I felt it got to much and was becoming more often than not. I asked if she could try to pair him up with someone else.
I found my resentment growing towards the parents of the other children at the being particularly with things like holidays being organised and ds being left out, but there’s nothing I can do.

Keep a watch out, make sure she other’s friends and try to boost her self esteem.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/06/2018 23:14

I'm a teacher of that age group. They constantly say in a moment of anger..you're not my bf..you're not coming to my party etc. Its nothing personal to do with your dd . Just love her. Listen to her story have a hug and move on.
When my dd was that age it went on all the time with girls in her class. I couldn't count how many friends she had in the end...good solid friendships that have endured the years.
Plenty of love and affection at home will keep her tank full.

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:15

And so it begins.

It was ever so for most kids. Keep her safe loved and cuddled. Do the play dates but more important talk and do fun stuff with her as a family.

This will ebb and flow all her school life and I found girls social groups more challenging than the boys but each has their challenges.

You want to make it all better for them and sometimes you just can’t. It’s life. Keep smiling and above all don’t let her feel your angst on her behalf or allow your angst to spill over onto other kids or parents.

Be the approachable mum and remember she will take her beat from you so model robust happy resilient behaviour even if you are very angry/sad inside

Haudyerwheesht · 19/06/2018 23:17

Dds the same age and this is constant. Unless it’s her always being the one left out and excluded then I don’t think it’s unusual. It’s heartbreaking though to hear them be upset about it.

I’ve mainly just left her to sort it because often it’s a flash in the pan. I do try and have friends who seem a bit gentler over for dinner etc though. I also tell her she mustn’t treat others like that because it makes the person feel horrible.

Rachie1973 · 19/06/2018 23:19

Its still going on at 15! (Although personally I think this years Yr11 are the nastiest year group I've ever encountered)

Cuddle, love, and ignore. If you get involved it escalates, whereas kids tend to be over it by lunch time.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 19/06/2018 23:19

Listen to her with empathy, but jolly her along where you can.

Don't get involved in spats. The kids will move on.

Keep inviting children she likes round for playdates, even if you don't get invites back.

Hang on in there!

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:24

if you get involved it escalates

That totally

PandaPieForTea · 19/06/2018 23:29

You may be able to play down the BF thing. It seems to me that some girls pair off into BFs and others mill about in groups of friends. It is much easier to have the latter and it can be encouraged with things like play dates with other girls who also haven’t formed a single exclusive friendship (if there are any) and continuing to encourage a wide range of friends.

wizzler · 19/06/2018 23:35

Dd does sports clubs outside of school, and has different friends there. It doesn't stop the dramas, but perhaps softens the blow !

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:41

My youngest dd now 19 would text her angst at break causing me to be upset on her behalf and by lunchtime as I texted her back to see how she was she was fine! I had spent all the morning worrying

Girls do share it all don’t they.

UrsulaPandress · 19/06/2018 23:45

It hurts like hell but you need to smile and wave.

coolwalking · 19/06/2018 23:54

We've had this issue too. All the girls in my DD class are girly pink loving unicorn loving lasses. My daughter loves football and running around.
Every day she came
Home saying someone had been mean, all that you're not my friend and not gonna come to my party. We encouraged her to play with the boys as no drama. Now she sees the girls for what they are as they're always crying and fighting whereas the boys just play.
Agree wth PP about separate friends from other activities.

Ohmydayslove · 20/06/2018 00:15

coolwalking

Sounds like my dds born after 4 dss.

However don’t demonise the girls they do get more sensible as they mature and in fact the one girl my dd found the most annoyingly girly girl went on a gap year with her. They are great mates. And girly girl is lovely.

My dds still love the company of men though

Original poster

Bonjourmonami73 · 20/06/2018 06:32

Thanks for the advice- I think I just worry it will always be like this in primary as its a small school

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 20/06/2018 06:56

OP I think you have my daughter :).

I tend to listen, but with half closed ears - I can't keep track of who is in and who is out.

Mind you, I am looking forward to DD going to secondary school. Primary is just too small now, they have outgrown it - which is good really.

I also make sure she has out of school activities, in her case scouts, tennis, to give a bit of variety.

Her 'best' friend lives next door - but they have on weeks followed by 'off' ones, and have done all their lives.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/06/2018 07:00

I hate the whole bff thing. I try to get them to spread their friendship around a bit

Biologifemini · 20/06/2018 07:02

I have been very strict about never using the phrase ‘best friend’
I have said you can have great friends but not best friends as someone is always left out.
This seems to have worked so far
Bff and best friend is a ridiculous concept and so inflexible particularly at that age

Stompythedinosaur · 20/06/2018 07:04

The best thing I did for my dd at that age was to keep inviting kids she got on with over to play. She bonded more on a 1:1 basis, and this carried on at school.

I also made sure she was having a "desirable" birthday party, as parties seemed a bit like social currency at school.

We roleplayed through some tricky interactions.

TumbleTussocks · 20/06/2018 07:14

Screenshot the post by ohmydayslove and refer to it regularly over the next 10/12 years.

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