Long time lurker, first time poster.
Background - I live about 3-4hrs drive from my DM, she does not drive and has only visited once in 13 years. In those 13 years, I would normally visit her and stay for a long weekend/week at the very least 4 times per year.
DS was born last year and she travelled and visited for a week and also came up at xmas for a week.
DP/DS and I have travelled down to see her for a long weekend twice in the last year as well - we have to stay at a hotel as her house isn’t big enough and DS who lives with her dog is not baby friendly.
She has also stayed 3 other times over night where she has travelled up for job interviews (not specifically to see us) and prefers to travel by coach when she visits, where I am happy to drive her to interviews and drop her off/pick her up.
Also relevant, DM and DF divorced 30 years ago and have not really spoken much since other than basic arrangements to see myself and siblings. There is no love lost and they are not big fans of one another. I am getting married next year and she has a lot of anxiety about the day and the fact DF with be there with DSM.
So DM was meant to stay with us last weekend as is was DS 1st birthday party, DF and DSM would have been there and she initially cancelled stating she couldn’t get the time off work then changed her mind the week before the party and said she wanted to come - due to encouragement from my aunt who was also attending.
A few days before the party, as rain was forecasted and there was no way we could fit everyone in our house, we cancelled the party and decided to have a tea party with DM/aunt on Saturday then another celebration on Father’s Day, with DPs family where we already had a bbq planned at SIL where my DF/DSM where coming and DM was due to leave before the bbq.
When I told DM the party was cancelled but we would have a tea party instead, she then told me she suspected she had a stomach bug and would not be coming as she didn’t want to travel on the coach with the runs - understandably- but, I just didn’t feel like i believed her as she had not even mentioned this and I only spoke to her hours before.
She then said that she had the weekend off work in a few weeks time and could she come then instead, I had already arranged to see my DF and some family friends for a meal that weekend and said I would talk to him about cancelling. My aunt and DP said I shouldn’t pander to her and cancel my DF and to tell her to come another time.
I asked her if she would stay from the Sunday for a few days instead of the Saturday and she questioned why I wouldn’t cancel seeing DF. I explained family friends were coming too and it had been arranged for quite a while so if she can come those days it would be easier for all. She said she couldn’t come any other days as she was working and to just cancel her coming altogether.
I have suggested to DM that tells me another time when she can come and she said she will see what she can do.
AIBU not cancelling seeing DF in favour for my DM visiting? DF and DSM are very much involved with DS and I feel awful suggesting cancelling when family friends are coming too and also don’t want to build any other animosity against DM - but it sounds like DM is quite peed off and I feel like I can’t win either way!