to not want FIL to visit?

[jenk1]

posted this in relationships but think its better suited here,

FIL phoned last night.
We havent seen him for 3 months and he hasnt phoned for nearly 2 months, he didnt visit or phone dd on her birthday, he knows she has been in hospital but no phonecall nothing.
He picks up his non biological grandchild every weekend, he is obsessed with him but ignores his other grandchildren, not just ours, dh sisters and brothers as well so dh decided he wasnt bothering any more, so he called last night:
he starts by accusing DH of falling out with him so DH says well you can always ring me, then he starts saying are you having problems with jenk
then he asked to speak to me, he said
"whats wrong with DH" so i said nothing why.
"theres something wrong he wont tell me" so i said have you asked him and he said yes and then he said " are you two having problems"
so i said NO.

he then spoke to dh and asked him why he doesnt bring kids down and dh said you know dd has severe asthma and you all smoke but you can come up here.
then he said i believe you have a new car what have you done with your old one and dh says i still have it and he says " you dont have to be flash you know splashing your money around on two cars"
i cant stand this man, he didnt stick up for dh last year over his uncle and he has the nerve to phone up and accuse us of having marital problems!!!!
he,s coming up tomorrow and im dreading it.
he will sit here and slag off everything dh does or says and dh just lets him and i want to get hold of him and shake him and say dont let him talk to you like that.
i dont want him to come up but i dont want to say that to dh.
he causes trouble and dh gets depressed for days afterward whenever he visits, how can i get him to see that?

[Iklboo]

Poor you. I can't stand my FIL either but he's nowhere near as bad as yours.
Can you suggest meeting on neutral ground so you can walk out rather than brain him?

[jenk1]

it doesnt matter where we are, he,s still the same, he doesnt care, he seems to like to bring DH down, and DH is depressed at the moment.

[Iklboo]

Damn - then you're going to have to brain the man!
Sorry, not being flippant, just trying to cheer you up.
Sham you can't tell DH the plans have changed, arrange to meet FIL somewhere other than the house on your own and give him a large piece of your mind.
Your DH doesn't need this right now. I think I remember what's been going on with his uncle.
You might have to blow a gasket and tell him to leave if he's picking on DH - and screw the consequences

[AngharadGoldenhand]

I'd set up the video recorder - just to take a family film, you understand and then if fil behaves as usual, show it to dh afterwards.

He may be able to see then, looking at the video with his logical head on, how his dad brings him down. He won't be reacting so emotionally because his dad won't be there.

[jenk1]

that sounds like a good idea angharad but we dont have a video recorder!!!!
i need to put the visit off but i dont know how to.

[poppy34]

jenk - if you really can't face it can you not tell a white lie (kids/you ill or somethign) and put him off. I know it would proabbly be better just to turn him down flat or have it out with him but sounds like the delicacy of situation (esp if your DH is down at moment) is that wouldn't work well.

[jenk1]

yes i think im going to have to put him off, if im honest im ready to have it out with him and have been for a while, i said to dh tonight that maybe we should postpone him coming tomorrow as we are at hospital in the morning and with the ed psych tomorrow afternoon and he just said hmm.

its going to happen though, theres going to be an almighty row.

[poppy34]

sounds like there needs to be though - has he always been like this (am assuming answer is yes!)

[kitbit]

I'd go out. Definitely. You don't want him to come, he's going to be an arsehole while he's there and all of you will have aftermath when he's gone. Nothing positive at all there, if you ask me. Easiest way to avoid confrontation of phoning to cancel is to just...be out. All day. Somewhere nice

[jenk1]

yes he,s always been like this. i never used to say anything as i used to think it was dh place but since last year finding out about dh childhood and the blatent fact that FIL is a bully of dh and always has been, i feel that i can no longer be quiet.

we did have a big row just after we were married and didnt speak for over 6months thats cos we were buying a house and FIL felt that i was "trapping" dh, FGS we were married.

[poppy34]

sounds like you need to have it out apart from anything else can't be good for your kids to see the effect this bully has on your dh

[jenk1]

DH phoned FIL and put him off, he told him we were out for the day, which we were.
FIL said i wasnt coming anyway and then
"you watch what you are doing with your driving"

He has been driving for 2.5 years, he cant resist turning the knife.