To be concerned about the influence my DD2's best friend has over her?

[Lizzie48]

My DD2 is 6 and in year 1. I think her best friend (let's call her Emma) has a bad influence over her. She's always been bossy, and excludes girls that she's fallen out with. DD2 has been on the receiving end of this in the past, but she has enough other friends for this not to be a problem for her.

But recently she's gone further. She told DD2 to bite herself on the arm and tell the teacher that another friend had bitten her. She said that DD2 wouldn't be her best friend anymore if she didn't do it. So DD2 did what she told her.

In DD2's defence, she told me about it at home time. I told her off, of course, she said she did it because she didn't want Emma to stop being her best friend.

In the past Emma has told DD2 to slap her big sister on the bottom. I don't think DD1 (9) actually minded, but it's another example of the way DD2 seems to be unable to say no to her. It's as if when Emma tells her to jump she asks, 'How high?'

It's baffling because DD2 is popular and feisty and has a mind of her own, so I can't understand why she's so unable to say no to her. (She's not the only one, though, tbf.)

The school has a double intake (2 classes in each year) and they do mix up the classes at the end of year, so I'm wondering if we should suggest to the school that it would be a good idea to separate them?

The status of ‘best friend’ or ‘BFF’ is the most toxic weapon some primary school girls have in their arsenal.

Used as an exclusion tool and also as a carrot or threat. It’s viscously wielded.

I think I’d quietly suggest the school separates them come September but you may well find that the best friend becomes ‘frenemy’ number 1.

Good luck

Did c the kid who didn't bite her get in trouble? Habe you told school?

I would agree to separate them if you can. The best way out of these friendship traps is a wider circle of friends. Do some role play with your DD to help teach her good ways to deal with friendship issues. Kids don't have inbuilt strategies and need to learn these skills.

Girls friendships can be toxic. It took my DD until yr 6 to realise one of her friends was manipulative and disloyal. We had lots of talks about friendship and what it is to be a friend. I am so relieved she can now see it for herself. Good idea to ask the school to separate them.

I never heard anything about it from the school. I have a good friend, whose DD3 is in the same class and is also a friend of DD2, who told me that her DD told her that DD2 had lied. As far as I know, nothing has come of it, and DD2 is still friends with the other girl. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't heard about it from DD2 or my friend.

I think the teachers must have known that it was a lie. I can always tell whether or not DD2 is telling the truth, she often accuses DD1 of hurting her. When she's genuinely been hurt I know it by how she reacts.

Same as nellieellie - my dd saw the light halfway through y6 and I said 'hallelujah'.

Now she's found another charmer in y8 and the whole cycle has started again .

Thank you for the advice. DD2 has lots of friends, my friend's DD tells her that everyone is my DD2's best friend. I've arranged plenty of play dates with other girls, which have gone well. So that isn't a concern thankfully.

I just don't want her to end up best friends with a bully or becoming a bully herself. So I think it would be a good idea to ask the school to separate her from Emma.

It's horrible to watch, isn't it? Schools seem to be awful at recognising and dealing with it, too, and don't seem to see that all of the fluffy 'we're all friends, everybody is everybody's friend' they use is just ammunition for this type of bullying.

I had a huge amount of drama with something similar at the start of the year. DD is not shy, by any means, but just didn't know what to do - and to be honest, neither did I!