I would really appreciate some support and advice about this! Build up to my wedding in August this year and I am now starting to panic about the prospect of having my parents in the same room as all my friends.
A long bit of family history coming up so I don't dripfeed.
I had a troubled relationship with parents - they were basically shit parents, born during the war and emotionally stunted (of the belief that children should be seen and not heard etc) and prone to using shame, mocking and physical punishment to 'control' me. Never gave me an ounce of affection, one single cuddle or I love you etc, and as a result I grew up with a few issues as a teenager and young person such as eating disorders, self harm and anxiety etc. Even though they were 'upper class' and wealthy, I had lots of privilege in some ways but was really unhappy. Years of therapy have ensued (which they know nothing about).
The main thing is I am good now and lead my life differently. I moved away from my family's posh village area, and live in a city (which did not meet their approval but they got used to it). I love my DCs wholeheartedly and getting married to my DP is the icing on the cake.
I have a good job as an English lecturer working in the prison sector which I love but my parents disapprove of it and never understood why I didn't become a lecturer at an elite university and have a better income and more upmarket students. They have never been interested in my work or stories about my colleagues etc, many of whom are good friends. I believe they think 'criminals' are not worth the social investment / care but they have never outwardly said as much - just never shown any interest or avoided discussing my job as if it is a huge taboo - I have chosen to ignore this. They are also racist (aways were when i was growing up) and have sometimes used racist insults to describe groups of people whilst sitting at the dinner table - as if normal conversion. (They are also homophobic and generally class snobby). When confronted they often use the excuse that they are from a different generation. I always intervene whenever they say anything like this, and in recent years they have been better at keeping their views to themselves, but their silence speaks volumes.
In terms of my relationship with them I have got it to a stage where I have essentially "forgiven" them for my upbringing (in the sense that it is unhealthy for me to carry anger around with me) knowing that they didn't have the tools to parent better, and possibly had shit parents themselves - but I have also accepted we are not the same kind of people and that is that. We don't have a loving relationship or anything - we are basically polite, my DC and I see them every few months and speak on the phone every 2-3 weeks, and I am respectful (they don't always manage this but it's about 80% okay). They are better behaved in front of DP as they see him as the "man of the house" (rolls eyes) and also look up to him as he ticks a lot of their snobbish boxes (privately educated, works as lawyer etc). Even though this is shallow of them, I am at least grateful that his presence means they are often better behaved. Only occasionally do they let the mask slip and say something awfully snobbish, judgemental or racist - which I hate and have to work really hard to manage my emotions and not get really upset.
So there is the history but on a daily basis 80% of the time they are my parents and I love them as most people would love their parents. They have nice sides to them at times, if old fashioned and fussy / difficult. Paradoxically they can show kindness in some moments and they love their GC. Sometimes I can have nice conversations with my dad about music, which he loves. I do not want them to be unhappy and I am grateful for the positive things they did give me - enough food and clothes on my back, holidays, after school clubs, toys at Christmas etc.
As we get ready for our wedding however, I am feeling an increasing sense of panic. All the friends I have made in my job will be there, and I am worried about my parents' reaction / saying things that are rude, staring or being snobby. I am white British and many of my work friends are ethnic minority / Asian / Black etc, as are many of our friends we have made through DC primary school etc. I have a number of gay couples attending and I am worried my parents may stare, or worse, remark. I also know my parents don't 'get' why anyone would work for the prison system so have snobbish thoughts about this which might come up in earshot or in front of one of my work friends.
I know the ideal thing is just to let it go as it's their issue and not mine (I know therapists would advise this). However I have been panicking and embarrassed at the thought my friends will be shocked at my family and equate me with them. I have been thinking of ways to keep my parents apart from my friends / chaperoned - which I know is laughable! They are elderly and won't be able to circulate freely but at the same time I don't want them to be sat on their own. I have a few other family members and IL who can chat to them.
Above all I want to feel relaxed and at ease! I also don't want to exclude them from my day, and on a good day I think this could actually be a nice step in my relationship with them.
Does anyone have experience of this tension - managing offensive or embarrassing relatives at your wedding?
Thank you!