They are family and we put up with family

[HulaMelody]

It’s getting to that time of year with birthdays etc that i have to put time in with my in-laws whom I’ve consciously been LC with for the past few years for various very valid reasons.

I nearly had a panic attack the other night at the thought of it, and made the mistake of saying to DH how anxious I was.

Apparently this wasn’t on as it gave DH a sickening feeling in his stomach; and he came out with the gem that they are family and we put up with family (a new twist on the ‘that’s just the way they are, you’ll never change them’ I usually get).

They are selfish and thoughtless and have treated DH like shit on a number of occasions (which he can’t see). Of course I can’t say anything as I’m always the bad guy. He is in the thick of FOG.

How do I get through the next couple of months, and how to explain to DH that he doesn’t need by default to appease these people?

I should add that we are in the midst of relationship counselling where his family relationships have recently been analysed out in the open, but I think he feels guilty about talking about them so is trying to get us to increase contact.

So it's not on that you're stressing him and sickening his stomach but it's ok for you to be stressing to the point of a panic attack? You have to love a good double standard!

Family do not get to trample all over your boundaries just because they're related. If he's so concerned about appeasing them then let him toddle off on his own and do exactly that.

You're already at the point of relationship counselling so I'm guessing they have caused problems between you for years, this is your chance to draw the line. Separate yourself from the situation and regain your control. He should not be expecting you to put yourself in a situation where you feel so much stress.

I don't know if you're getting individual counselling as well but it might be an idea if not. It can help you figure out the best way to re-draw your boundaries with your husband and his family. You say you have valid reasons for low contact so you should be able to refuse him this and for him to support that.

No, we do not have to put up with family.

no one "has" to put up with family. Many would be much happier going NC.

So sorry OP.

I don’t put up with shit regardless whom it comes from (family or not)

It took my DH several years to go NC with some of his “family” after rolling over and accepting the shit.

Turning point was me refusing to go to FIL on Father’s Day. That didn’t go down well withDH, we’ve had the blazing row. FIL has come to see my DC and completely blanked me out while visiting, not a word spoken.
When the shit started rolling over towards ourDC to put them last in the pecking order in the “faaaamilyyy” DH found his newly grown balls and told his DF to go away and not to contact us again.

That’s it. FIL is gravely offended but oh, what a bliss. No drama, running after him and his “faaaamilyyy”

Flying monkeys told to fuck off with their “ he’s old and infirm and one day you will regret it”

He poses as the GP of the year, he hasn’t asked after our kids more than a year before
We went NC.

We put up with family ? No, we don't. Life is too short.

I would love to go NC but unfortunately DH insists that his mother looks after our kids one day a week (he sees this as a way to force her to treat him and his sister equally, there are lots of issues relating to being treated differently - interestingly his DSis calls him the ‘golden child’ but in my experience and on paper it’s so the opposite!)

So I’m trapped into having some contact. When there have been issues relating to childcare DH has raised it with MIL however he’s so used to pussyfooting around them that I don’t think it has impact.

We put up with family I do, why? well because they are family I suppose.

OP that doesn't mean you have to attend parties or whatever is making you feel sick

He can take the DC and go. Job done. I know people who do this if that helps.