I know it’s not a competition, I know I am BU but...

[SleepBU]

...DH was working last night. He got in at 4am, slept until 11am (so 7 hours), and has just had a 45 min bath

He came in to where I am with baby to say hello and I asked how he was and how work was etc and he said something about how tired he is.

I know he must be, so I wouldn’t voice my frustration, but 7 hours sleep and a 45 min bath?!

We have a new baby and I haven’t had more than an hour’s unbroken sleep in months and probably get three hours altogether a night.

He’s working now too so can’t help today but I should ask at weekends I guess

I know IABU

Ahhhh!

Bloody hell he should definitely be helping more. When DS was little I got a lie in both weekend days without question. Those two hours each weekend morning were the longest stretches of uninterrupted sleep I got. Pure bliss.

It’s not a competition though. Your tired becuase of baby that’s fine and his tired becuase his been at work that’s also fine. Your loooking after the baby for your family and his working for your family.

Yes ask/tell at the weekend and take some time for yourself even a couple of hours to sleep

I know, I am being unreasonable and he’s working hard

But posting about it makes me feel better! Instead of moaning I will be proactive and plan some weekend help

It's not the amount of sleep that makes you tired/not tired when working those kinds of shifts, it is the effect of having to turn around your body clock. I have had small babies and I have worked nights, I definitely feel more tired/sick working nights than I did with babies (and my son was a bloody nightmare, never slept for more than 90 minutes at a time overnight). That said, he does need to step up to the plate and do his fair share of parenting.

Obviously he should be helping with your new baby but working nights does awful things to your body clock and sometimes no mater how much sleep you get it doesn't make you feel better (DH does shifts and is always like that after a set of nights and I have felt the same when doing the occasional night).

He needs to do his fair share, work or not your never getting a rest and that's 24hr shifts your doing every day. tell him to take some interest in his baby otherwise how is he ever going to be able to bond with the child.

I don't think YABU a baby is completely different to work there is literally no break from a baby.

He's being a little self absorbed and selfish having a 45 minute bath but it can be easy to fall into that trap he's working hard and adjusting to being a parent and everyone can be self absorbed at times.

The difficulty is if you continue with this pattern it will always be like this so start knocking it on the head now. Small things to start with, like when he gets up from bed, say oh good I'm off for a shower/ going for a nap keep an ear out for the baby. Don't even say can you look after the baby it's his to not yours alone to care for.

I've seen far to many friends whose partners think because they work more they can opt out of parenting when at home, it doesn't work like that but they got into bad habits from the start.

I’ve realised I’m being dramatic and exaggerating as he has taken baby occasionally so I have had a couple of hours here and there

It’s not his fault at all as I’m happy to and probably just need to ask more

It was just the offhand comment that for some reason made me feel resentful in comparison. I’ve manned up now though and feel much better after a cup of tea 😊

Thanks for the replies

I will take on board these suggestions though as I think I do need to enlist a bit more help so that I can be a better mum!

It is really hard having a newborn. Its really hard working shifts. And it's really really really hard having a newborn and fitting round a shift worker.

You are right it's not a competition but there are things the shift worker can do to get better quality sleep and I think if they do that it is better all round. So ear plugs should be a MUST. Then you are not tiptoing around so much. Blackout blinds or an eye mask also essential. Eye mask is best so you can sneak into bedroom and still see if you need to get a hair brush or whatever. Then, on waking, the shift worker should get up and spend 30 mins in daylight straightaway.

They can't help their shifts but they can help their habits.

Sorry can I pull you up on what you are saying when your DH has the baby he is not "helping" he is being a parent.

At the moment I work FT my DH is the SAHP is do not "help" with the children as I am equally their parent and when it was the other way round he was the same.

But when we had our first we fell into the trap of him helping me, until we realised and changed things.

I'm afraid once you are a parent you can't stop being one cause you tired...which I've seen happens with a fair few DH.

I don't want to seem harsh I just wish someone had said this to me when we had our first.

Of course you should ask for more help at weekends - also in the evenings and at other times. Apart from anything else, he won't develop a relationship with his child unless he starts doing his share now.

You don't 'ask for help' - the baby isn't some silly project that your DH might be nice enough to assist with, he's the baby's father and it's as much his duty to look after him/her as it is yours.

Oh bless you.
Hugs to you. Nights are awful. Sleepless baby nights are awful. There isn't a winner here. Use weekends to split the load and both get the rest you need.

My husband works full time and puts our daughter to bed each night and does at least one night time feed most nights. Sometimes he'll do all of them so I can have unbroken sleep.

YANBU!

One reason I was back at work full time at 2 - 3 weeks expressing milk at work - for the rest! I recommend it. Then sunny Jim, your other half, will have to chase home from work to collect the baby from nursery etc and start doing his bit.

Sorry can I pull you up on what you are saying when your DH has the baby he is not "helping" he is being a parent.

Yes, this. This idea that men 'help', like a kid helping Mummy make cupcakes, gets right on my tits.

You both have draining jobs with difficult hours. You need to sit down and look at both of your work patterns and free time, and make sure you have a fair divvying-up of leisure time/time to catch up on sleep.

Yes I agree with PP I think you need to change your mindset - he is not helping you he is doing his bit as a parent, what he should do. A 45 minute bath is a luxury you just dont get when in the early stages of parenting

Nope it’s not a competition but YANBU to feel that way either.

Because when your DH got up after a good night of sleep (yes not as restful than if he had slept at night but really is it also as bad as having such broken sleep??), he didn’t have I got uo and tend to a baby straight away.
He had the luxury of having a bath, taking his time like if he had no responsibility in the world.
Whereas as a mum, what happens is that you don’t sleep well, you are knackered but the minute you wake up, you are in duty.

The difference is not the amount of sleep etc... it’s the fact you have a responsibility that he doesn’t (well he should but clearly still doesn’t behave as if he did)

And I dintbthink yiunahuod ask for more time off for yourself. I wouod ask for a proper 50/50share if the responsibility of looking after your baby when he isn’t working.