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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about scattering ashes?

19 replies

sj257 · 19/06/2018 11:24

Lost my grandma earlier this year and am struggling with this a lot and miss her very much. I am the only grandchild and we are a very small family. Without going in to too much detail my grandad has scattered her ashes in a place a few hours away from where we all live and I’m very upset that we weren’t invited to be there and I was informed by a text! It’s infuriating me how things aren’t spoken about in my family and this has just really upset me. My mum is looking into getting a tree planted as a memorial. Sorry this is badly written, I just can’t think straight.

OP posts:

Bakingberry · 19/06/2018 12:04

I'm sorry this happened to you. Sometimes family members can do things that seem so thoughtless in times like this. Planting a tree in her memory is such a lovely idea.

Nikephorus · 19/06/2018 12:06

I'd guess that he wanted her near where he was & maybe wanted it to be a private ceremony where he said goodbye to her. After all, he had the longest, deepest relationship with her and therefore his feelings should 'trump' yours. It's a bugger but reasonable enough.

Original poster

sj257 · 19/06/2018 18:12

He lives in the same town as us....he has travelled to scatter them. My mum has actually had the longest relationship with my nan, he isn’t her real dad, so if that’s what trumps everything then it’s still wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

sj257 · 19/06/2018 18:12

Thank you Bakingberry

OP posts:

Sirzy · 19/06/2018 18:16

As hard as it is for you I can also understand why he wanted to do one last thing for his wife alone

Mummymummums · 19/06/2018 22:31

Hard as it feels, this was his decision to make. I can see why a spouse might want to decide where the ashes go and perhaps do it privately, without involving others. It was his right. I assume the place had meaning for them as a couple.
Texting wasn't the best way to tell you though.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/06/2018 22:46

They may very well have had a private conversation and he is carrying out her wishes.

And as her spouse, he's NOK and it's his call. I know it's hard, but some things in life just are.

gillyweed · 19/06/2018 22:52

My mum died a couple of years ago, my family were (and still are) living with my parents at the time, so close and seeing my dad day in day out. She was cremated. On her 1st birthday after she died, I suggested a family get together and said to my dad 'We also need to think about scattering her ashes'. Calm as anything he just said 'I've already done it'. None of her children were there, or her grankids. He just did it one day.

I know 'where' she is but not exactly 'where'.

I will never forgive him. I don't care if his relationship with our mum trumped ours, it's unforgivable.

We have no closure, but in the end I don't do afterlife/religion so perhaps it's just dust. Not really her.

Sorry, Not sure that was really helpful but your not alone.

Pinky14 · 19/06/2018 23:00

Hi I think sometimes when people suffer grief they become slightly selfish without maybe meaning to be. They all deal with it in their own way just to try and get through it. I’m sure your Granddad didn’t mean to upset you but probably just didn’t think.
My dad scattered my mum in all corners of the uk and abroad there is about a spoonful of her left in an urn and no headstone anywhere. It fucked me off but he did what he felt he needed to do and so will I. Your Grandma lives in your memories and what each person does to cope is unfortunately sometimes upsetting xxxx

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:03

Oh op it’s tough but I have to say it’s his call.

After a dreadful event me and dh have a pact they we would scatter each other’s ashes in our special place. None of our beloved 6 kids or grandkids will know where this is.

It’s just for us. As a couple.

Maybe your grandad thought the same.

Remember her as she was and do something for you to remember her by.

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:06

But gilly his relationship with his wife did trump yours.

It’s not up to you to forgive him but just support him in his choice.

It’s better for you to feel that way and not be bitter. I truly understand though

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/06/2018 23:07

You're not unreasonable at all. How people feel about ashes is very personal, me personally, i can't stand the idea of scattering my mums, ever.
I personally would have preferred burial but she wanted to be cremated. My mums Sisters and my grandmother all wanted some of the ashes each to spread in their own gardens, but my dad said no because of how i felt about it. As far as i see it, you wouldn't split someone up to bury a bit of them in your own garden, and you wouldn't throw them away, so why do that with ashes. I can't stand not knowing where she is, so by not scattering i know shes whole and where she is. I'm sure my aunts and grandmother are annoyed/disappointed, but its not like we've scattered her somewhere without their knowledge and it is ultimately my dads choice as her next of kin.

BigGreenOlives · 19/06/2018 23:07

Gillyweed my dad did exactly the same. I wish he been nicer to her when she was alive, he was quite mean & grumpy for most of their marriage.

gillyweed · 19/06/2018 23:14

Yeah BigGreenOlives has it - He wasn't exactly a doting husband when she was alive (He wasn't terrible though.). My mum would have berated him for this kind of behaviour.

I think what bothers me is that he did it and didn't tell anyone. If I had not asked would he ever have told us?

A text is a shitty way to find out.

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:17

A text is shitty I agree.

Rachie1973 · 19/06/2018 23:21

Its hard for you, but ultimately his choice.

Ohmydayslove · 19/06/2018 23:22

I was watching a programme about the London Bridge attacks and parents who had lost their son in borough market.

Dad wanted to scatter the ashes and give them to friends to scatter in mini urns and mum just wanted his whole ashes to be scattered and not kept.

Dad said ‘we don’t know what to do but it keeps a lid on the misery’

Think that days it all really. No one has the answer to grief or loss you just muddke through to everyone

nokidshere · 19/06/2018 23:26

As her spouse it's his choice really and just another reason why death and subsequent actions should be discussed in greater detail while you are alive.

My husband is very clear about what he wants done after death, including where he wants his ashes scattered. We have discussed it fully with our teens and everyone is clear about what will happen and when. It is something personal that I will do alone.

The funeral/cremation is for everyone else.

But I'm sorry you are sad about it

SleepIsForTheWeek · 19/06/2018 23:33

I agree that it was his decision to make but I also understand. When my lovely aunt died I was her only relative and after the funeral called the directors to arrange for the scattering and they had already done it without my knowledge. Take solace in your memories, they are real. Wherever else she is she is in your heart.

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