Its at times like this that I understand why some mothers choose to end their lives and take their children with them. I'm not going to do it, but I understand.
I found out I was pregnant last week. Unwanted, contraception failure. Ive only been with my partner for around 5 months and we both have 2 children from previous relationships. He basically broke up with me the day I told him, after initially saying he'd be there for me no matter what I decided to do. We had a silly argument, I said some things I shouldn't have fueled by hormones and emotions. He said he couldn't deal with that side of me, so now I'm dealing with pregnancy symptoms and a broken heart.
My children's Dad hasn't seen them for over a year and it has absolutely destroyed my daughter. She's struggling, and I'm struggling to know how to help her. It's absolutely horrendous.
I live with my Mum. I share a bedroom with both of my children after moving here over a year ago with the intention of saving money so that I could move to a larger (rental) property. I have no money saved. I don't earn enough to save and I can't work any more hours due to childcare. I do work, and am working on plans (qualifications etc) for my future, but right now this is our situation. The council have so far refused to help because they want a reference from my old landlord and he is uncontactable. The situation is making me quite severely depressed.
And last night, i checked my emails and found that over the past 2 days my daughter has spent over £200 on fucking roblox. Shes done it before, she spent about £40 on it a couple of months ago, fortunately amazon refunded me then but whether I'll be so lucky this time I don't know. I didn't find out until after she was asleep, I'm trying to figure out a suitable punishment. The tablet has of course been taken away and she isn't getting it back.
I need that money. I only got paid last week and already I'm back into my overdraft. My bills are thankfully all paid, but if I cant get that money back I'm fucked for the rest of the month. I had a bad month last month as I didnt earn very much and then when I got paid this month I treated us all to a couple of takeaways as treats, and also because I'd just had the pregnancy realisation and was dealing with that whole fall out and had no energy to shop and cook. Now I'm regretting spending money that I shouldn't necessarily have spent. My bills are paid but now I'm broke.
I'm so, so down. I can't see this ever getting better. I think deep down I know it will, but on the face of things i just feel as though I'm drowning in sadness. If I killed myself, which I have thought about more than I'd like to admit, my children would have noone. I mean, they'd still have my family who adore them, but they wouldn't have parents. And I couldn't do that to them. So that's why I get it. I won't do it, I couldn't deal with knowing that the last thing they'd feel would be fear caused by me. I promise I wouldn't do it. But I get it.