Worried about partner being alone with our son

[Reecex]

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half, we've been friends for 9 years and 6 years ago had a very brief period of dating. My partner was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was 16 and has had 9 years to accept and deal with his condition. I, in no way whatsoever, can even begin to imagine dealing with this condition, however, he forgets to take his medicine sometimes days at a time, I've tried everything to get him to remember like setting an alarm on his phone, buying him a pill key ring so if he's out and about when his alarm goes off he has pills on him to take. I've also bought the Monday to Sunday am and pm pull boz and I've even brought him his medicine to take. He still has seizures, he almost went a year without one but unfortunately on boxing day last year he had a very serious fit and lay in the snow with his 2 front teeth knocked out and a suspected neck or back break. Thankfully he was okay and we have managed to get the NHS help on our side for his teeth (he's getting implants). We're only 24&25 but had our first baby in Feb this year. It's been a very VERY tough start (my son and I almost died) and in the last month he's had 2 seizures, one on his own and one yday. Yday was the first time I have ever witnessed it and it scared the shit out of me. My son was safe but all I'm thinking about now is leaving my partner alone with my son for extended periods of time. This may sound harsh but he doesn't get any warning before a seizure and I'm scared he gets hurt. I had only been in the house for 5 minutes before he had a fit and prior to that was alone with my son for hours as it was father's day. AIBU to think like this??

You seem to be doing an awful lot trying to get your dh to take his medication.

What is he doing?

Oh this is so hard.

You are totally correct he can't be left with your baby just in case and it also sounds as if , in the immediate, he shouldn't be left alone full stop.

But I can totally see where he is coming from and probably feels quite suffocated in fact that most people gain independence from the age of 16 and he last his then. Sounds like contacting the charity will be a great move as hopefully they can provide some counselling .

I think a stark message from you that you want to be able to leave him safely with his son and them to build a relationship but he has to also play his part. (Medication etc).

Maybe try telling him it's not about him now but about your son?

Does he get any PIP?
What about him taking to public baby groups so he's not alone but feels some freedom?

You should NEVER leave ds alone with him, even if he's completely on top of his meds all the time. Why risk it?

I agree, in the short to medium term. If he can be seizure free for a few years when DS is 4+, the risks will be different.

I think he’s not as bothered as you about taking his meds.

Well after all those reminders you have set up he is not “ forgetting “ to take his meds is he. It sounds as if he just can’t come to terms with his condition.Could the epilepsy nurse arrange some specialist counselling?
Now he is a father. This may be a good incentive for him to face the future.

Try also Brain and Spine Foundation. They have a telephone helpline staffed by neuroscience nurses who can talk through concerns. Lots of helpful stuff on their website too.

They key here for me is that HE is not taking responsibility for his condition, by not taking his meds. I’d be wary of leaving a small baby with him. You can’t make him do what he’s not going to do, but don’t be pushed into doing what you know is the wrong thing for your child. Your partner can look after himself (apparently....) but your baby cannot. Your baby relies on you to keep him safe, so keep him safe.

If you DO was taking his meds and engaging with the whole thing I would be much less cautious - yes he might have a fit but if he’s well controlled it’s much, much less likely and he if he is engaging with treatment he is more likely to engage in parenting safely IMO. The key here for me is that he seems to be pretending it’s not happening, and then making the child safety problem your fault. This isn’t about him and his needs and feelings etc, this is about keeping your child safe.

My brother was the same with his late onset epilepsy (he was older than your DP actually), for the first few years he wouldn’t take his meds, had some huge fits in really scary situations. Took him about 15 yrs to get on board and get himself sorted.

Yanbu. Being in sole charge of a baby is not compatible with uncontrolled epilepsy. He must not be left alone with your child under any circumstances.

Sounds like he is still struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis and the treatment.
Can you access some counselling for him? Might help to talk it over with someone.
He really needs to take his meds and he knows this. He is putting himself at risk as well, two broken teeth are bad enough. It could be worse than that.

Sounds like you have two children to look after, and you're only 24 :( He's not taking any responsibility.

What does he say about it? Why isn't he the one trying to find ways to remember to take his medication?

Not my area of expertise, but my dsis has epilepsy and has got on very well with her medicines. Maybe he could talk to his neurologist and see if there is a treatment that does not have unpleasant side-effects. I'm just listening to the news about cannabis treatment for epilepsy.

It does feel like I have 2 children at the best of times, he is in complete denial about his condition and would quite like to think he isn't actually epileptic. I've never first hand seen his fits until Sunday and after that I actually seen the impact and severity of them. It scared me and although through my pregnancy we spoke about epilepsy around our son he's always has 'signs' before hand so I have never felt as though I couldn't leave him alone with our son. And then on Sunday he had no warning at all and I had only just returned home by minutes before he had his fit. It's scary to think what could have happened and I've tried today and yday to get him to understand that it doesn't matter if it didn't happen on Sunday, it can happen in the future. He's very immature regarding this and feels like I'm "punishing him" by saying he can't be left alone with our son. I spoke to his nurse today who advised that he should never be alone with him especially since he's had 2 fits in a few weeks and 3 within 6 months. She gave me a leaflet that is very helpful and gives guidelines on how to care for a baby if you're epileptic, I'm going to send him this as I hope it helps. He was also shocked his nurse told me what she did. I think he thinks I'm the only person who is thinking like this. Epilepsy Scotland also emailed me back and I'm going to get as much advice from them as I can and hopefully we can find a support group close by for families or even one on one counselling for him. For his and our sons safety he needs to accept that he has a condition and try to manage it as best as possible. Regarding his meds, he can't change them as he's just changed them on Monday after seeing the neurologist, so the nurse said its too early to seal them again and it would be reviewed in 6 weeks if he continues to have fits on these meds. It doesn't help though that he forgets to take them at nighttime. He's been under a lot of stress as briefly mentioned in my OP so I'm going to ask him to meditate with me each night. I'm at my wits end and am exhausted of feeling bad for trying to do what's best for all of us.