AIBU to ask how to get angry without crying

[Griefbacon]

I posted this in a reply to a feminism thread about examples of men not realising what women face but how can I change it?
I had s work call where I was talked down to, aggressively pushed and tried to excuse myself to collect children and faced real aggression. I get angry and I cry. It’s rage not upset but I hate that I cry. How can I keep the voice steady and not cry (until in private anyway(. Any tips.

This situation (may out me) was a request for info by end of day 30 minutes before end of day. The guys who rang me sprung it on me. I answered the call. That was first error
I said I had to be quick because of kids - should have said I had 5 minutes
What enraged me was them assuming I had what they needed but just wasn’t helping them to get it “this info is within the company somewhere “. “Copy CEO if you can’t get it”. He’ll care if you don’t. I say I’ll work on it at home but must now leave. They carry on talking. I restate I need to go. Do I not realise the importance? Etc etc
I said their request was impossible by the end of day - wavering angry voice by this point to be told “Grief you weren’t listening. We have until tomorrow”. I finished and burst into tears. Felt like a dick. Got no reply until middle of night but had a reply this morning.
I need a script in these situations to cut them dead

Well they sound like absolute charmers! Don’t worry, my boss reduced me to angry tears this afternoon despite my best advice above. I think it has a lot to do with the frustration of not being listened to and then the same request is made in different ways, almost as if to catch you out. Just horrible behaviour.

Frustration is just it. I know my stuff. I don’t lie. I help out so much I’ve had it listed as a weakness in appraisals by my boss
We lack customer focus sometimes but I really try to see others’ point of view. I got them what they wanted by when they needed but sort of wish I hadn’t.

I have mixed feelings about this - on one hand I feel like crying should be more normalised as it is a normal human response, and agree with MrsTerry that it is healthier than showing aggression. I avoid difficult conversations/discussions at work because I cry easily when I feel strongly about something, so it’s easier to say nothing.

On the other hand if coping strategies are required, my tactic is to distance myself and secretly laugh at the in my head, e.g think of something about them that makes them look stupid and have a silent giggle to mentally diffuse the situation, like when a child is crying and you distract them by making them laugh.

I really think these situations and how we feel during them has an awful lot to do with socialisation and girls being brought up to be 'nice'.

I found the trick is not to feel defensive, "never explain, never apologise" - well, not 'never', but don't apologise for something that was not YOUR error or YOUR failing.

"This information is currently not available"
"I am unable to provide this information at this time"
"I will have to finish this conversation now"
"You are of course free to inform the CEO if they are still in their office at this time"

You are right, mentioning you children was a mistake and not one a man is ever likely to make

I can talk the talk, I am not as good at walking the walk....

I help out so much I’ve had it listed as a weakness in appraisals by my boss

A-ha! You are a people pleaser!
I have had that beaten out of me a looooong time ago.

Look at assertiveness training. My quick google of TED talks brought up a multitude of talks on that subject.
I find the trick about going to the bathroom and for a minute or two making yourself BIG by stretching up high, taking deep breaths, consciously uncrossing your arms, dropping your shoulders and TAKING UP SPACE really helps with maintaining my position, as does standing up when taking a difficult telephone call.

Also, have a look at the broken record technique: repeat the same thing, maybe with slightly different words, over and over, as many times as required.

"I cannot provide this information just now"
"This information is currently not available to me"
"I will be able to provide you with this information by x o'clock tomorrow"

I pinch the palm of my hand, or dig my nail (discreetly) into my hand. It sounds mental but helps me to focus and distracts my emotions.

I have a meeting on Friday with my female lm who has been humiliating me and bullying me I am returning to work after 5 months because she broke me and am reading these posts with huge interest eye contact deep breaths calm calm calm I AM STRONG

I think there are some excellent tips on here. I'd add to look on this as a project rather than aiming to manage perfectly from now on. See it in developmental stashes. You know what your end goal is, identify stages to that. Practice controlling your emotions, steady breathing, gaining clarity and focus to your thinking.

Gardengeek,

will employ these tactics on Friday when I have to confront my LM I have my union rep on my side of the table and have a list of points that I want to get across

I just want this to be over and get back to work and be normal

I cry when I'm angry too. Particularly at work, which drives me mad.

Usually, it's because I'm angry about something that I care about. I'm quite an emotive person, and unfortunately most of my feelings manifest in tears. Happy? I cry. Sad? I cry. Tired? I cry. Hungry? Yeah, sometimes I'll even cry about that!

I'm still struggling to control it, but I refuse to be let it seen as a weakness. When anybody tries to frame it as such, I remind them that the tears are there because I'm passionate about what I'm arguing for/against. I refuse to be shamed for my emotions.

I've been reflecting a lot on this recently, and for me I think it's the emotions beneath the anger which make me cry. Generally powerlessness and injustice. I've found now that I can recognise it I can respond to it more productively.

I'd forgotten those TED talk tips. Thank you whoever posted

I cry in anger too and I hate it! I don't know what's wrong with me but I get watery eyed when talking about anything meaningful these days even if I don't feel upset!

Ugh, I do this too. It happened recently with my mobile phone company; they were passing me from helpline to store and neither were resolving it and I burst into angry tears on a phone call. It's the frustration of it all, the thought of how much time I'm wasting and how much more hassle is still to come.

Very interesting reading. I have low self confidence despite knowing my stuff. I also suffer with anxiety and my default position is that I have to try even harder.
People pleaser is a horrid term a bit like do-gooder. But true. I do like to help people and do the right. If something goes wrong I have to try and fix it and don’t have the confidence to push back and state my case. There are some helpful techniques in here and phrases I’ll do well to remember in future. Also remembered one which is staying quiet while people rant...

Ok, I'll take credit for linking to the TED Talks and apologise for using 'people pleaser' - I truly did not mean to sound sarcastic or mean. I was raised a people pleaser and I had to work HARD to un-train myself.

Warning: kitchen sink psychology coming up -

IMO valuing oneself comes from loving oneself, truly loving oneself, warts and all, strengths and weaknesses. Loving oneself is different from liking oneself (there's plenty I don't like about myself, but I have learnt to accept that I try hard and do the best I can in any given situation). If a person loves themselves, they will not put their own needs below somebody else's; they will view themselves as as valuable and 'worthy' as any body else. They will see their need (to get away from work to pick up kids or whatever) as just as important as the other party's need (for information) and that will become obvious in communication.

I am less defensive and less likely to become flustered when confronted with unreasonable demands (which are legion in my line of work). There are things I cannot do and I no longer apologise for that.

OP, you are worth as much as the dick at the other end of the phone. You need to really believe that and he'll not rile you any more.

Now, if only I could follow my own advice when speaking to STBH...