With this division of labour

[Vodawoah]

I know this is done to death but I can't see the would for the trees at the moment and want to write it all out to get a good perspective.

DH does - most of the gardening (but quite a small garden and I do some), all DIY, taking the bin out, cleaning (although we have a cleaner), some tidying but not a lot, plays with the children, never really doing his own thing (doesn't go out much, wouldn't for example be messing about on his phone rather than spending time with the family), does bedtime a lot, works full time in a job that he finds stressful but is well paid and is worried about his career, handles things like car insurance and mortgage, would be very happy for me to go out in the evening/for the day/away for the weekend and do all the childcare if I wanted/needed to.

I do - all cooking, food shopping and meal planning, all child based organisation - play dates, school stuff, childcare, paying for childcare, all drop offs and pick ups (for several children), temporarily working part time (using holiday to do this as needed right now) in a decently paid job (also quietly very stressed about my career - have made countless cut backs, forcing flexibility at work, missing important things etc etc), cleaning, most of the tidying, laundry etc, all family organisation and admin (remembering birthdays, making plans, buying things people need, packing if we were going away or something etc), all night wakings (of which there are many), also would be happy for him to go out/away which he does but not often, spend more time on my
Phone than I should aribitrarily reading news articles, Instagram etc, household bills, bedtime every night for youngest and other bedtimes often. When I return to work full time this will be essentially the same I think apart from drop offs of one of the DC.

So how does this compare to other people's lives?

DP and I both work full time. We have one DC, who attends nursery full time.

I don't drive, so DP does all the drop offs and pick ups, including dropping me off at the train station, as I commute, and picking me up. He also usually does all the DIY, gardening, and is usually the one to remember to take the bins out. He also sometimes takes me to see my family at the weekend.

We share the dishes and general cleaning, morning and night routines, and recycling.

I do all the cooking.

He pays for the rent and his car. I pretty much pay for everything else, including food and the astronomical nursery bill, as I am the higher earner. Most things are on direct debit so there is very little admin.

I'm not sure why people seem to have so much admin to do tbh!

I read all these threads and wonder why everything has to be done so rigidly.

DH and I work really hard. He works approx. 50-70 hours a week (including a long commute but with some days working from home) and I work 35 hours a week (1/2 hour commute everyday each way). We both get up at 6.30 and aim to sit down for an hour in front of the telly before bed about 10.30/11.
At the weekends we try to balance home/kids/family commitments alongside a bit of down time or going out time for ourselves.

No way can it all be done. We communicate things that have to be prioritised and have a robust diary system; some things just slide, it's no-one's fault.

For instance if I don't get a chance to do the dishes after tea, DH will do them. If he can't get the car to the garage, I'll see if I can take it. The hoovering hasn't been done properly for weeks, ditto dusting. We iron rarely, and then just as and when needed. I usually cook and do the laundry, but dh will do it if I'm not around, don't have time or just don't want to.

I just don't get this my job / your job division of labour. Surely you just pull together as a team.

It’s not really clear who does more from your description as you list things like cleaning on both lists.

I would write it down with times allocated and see who has more spare/rest time if it’s bothering you.

I agree with Pascall

There are some things I always do(cooking) and some things DP always does (the lawn), but generally we are quite fluid and just try to get things done when we can. After a month, the bedrooms finally got hoovered yesterday!

Thats a good point. Maybe you need to lower your standards.