To think it's not only my responsibility

[foreveranxious]

Really here for a rant!

My DM passed away several years ago so my DF is now on his own. He has many health issues including diabetes, which I know he does not manage very well.

So popped round for Fathers Day & my 2 Dsis's went round at the same time. My DF was clearly unwell with a bad cold & sounded very chesty. I instantly made him take some paracetamol & made him a doc appt for today. Neither of my Dsis's did anything but watch me do this!!

So today I thought I would give him a quick call & he said he has a chest infection & been given antibiotics. Being kindly I have just given my Dsis's an update. Neither one of them have bothered to call or text him instead they were going to message me to ask how he was!! When I asked why text me, one of my Dsis said 'because I knew you would know before us'!!! To which I replied 'because I bother to call DF and you know you could call/text him yourself'!!!!

This has seriously p*ssed me off. I am the only one who bothers to check on him regularly & have him round for dinner. Both Dsis's always expect me to look after him. I am the youngest sibling & the only one with young DC to run around after (their DC are adults) plus I work almost full-time. My DF also calls me & DH if he needs help with anything because he knows that we will always do our best to help him.

AIBU to think that my Dsis's should buck up & help with my DF's needs? DF is still fully mobile & self-sufficient but does find certain DIY jobs harder these days. Plus he is on his own a lot during the week, so I think it's nice to have him round for dinner at the weekend. However I think this should be done in turns so that it's not all on one sibling.

Just feeling really fed up that I am the one that seems to think about my DF & whether he is healthy/lonely etc. (They will happily take any inheritance when he pops his clogs though!!!)

(FYI we all live a 5 minute drive from DF so distance not an issue)

People will take advantage as long as you let them.

Maybe you could talk to them both properly and say this just isn't on. Point out your situation with your work and children and tell them you are no longer going to be the main contact. Discuss between you some ideas as to how you can share the load a bit.

Do they not like him??

Arrange a rota, make a group chat on What's app to share details of calls /visits..

Tried the rota thing but they are always 'busy' when it come to putting it into practice. Plus my DF is a very quiet man so conversation does require a bit of effort to get going. He's just not a very chatty person. But I see it that you don't always need to be talking, sometimes it's just about having company. They simply can't be bothered & just rely on me.

My DF has an appt coming up for a potential skin cancer scab thing on his ear. He only told me because I noticed it when cutting his hair. He wouldn't have said anything otherwise as he wouldn't want to worry us until he knew for sure. I have suggested that we offer to go to appts with him, taking turns. Both said yes to that idea but I know it won't happen because they won't bother to find out for themselves when appts are. . (This would only be if DF wanted support with this appt).

I think from now on I will leave it up to them to find out about DF's health themselves and not go out of my way to tell them (DH agrees with this). If they ask, I will tell them to speak to DF directly. I will continue to invite him for Sunday roast etc just cause I have already lost one parent & want to appreciate the one I have left.

Arrange a rota a week or so in advance. Start a Whatsapp group and if you're siblings DC are much older than yours include them as well if possible - surely they can visit their grandad for a couple of hours a week ?

That's so sad to hear! I am glad you are there for him. I think you can't force people to care and if they don't want to know they will just continue as is. I wonder if you could get some carers in place It might be a lot of paper work at the beginning but then at least he won't always be on his own and the appointmenta you can't attend the carers will be able to. Just food for thought x

Look, you really can't (and shouldn't) be forcing siblings to become unwilling carers.

do NOT make rotas or start demanding they pull their weight, because you (nor any of the other posters here) know what else is going on in their lives.

i'm sorry but the bit about their children not being young any more so the automatic implication is they have oodles of free time to dedicate to helping your dad in his old age is really uncalled for - you have NO idea of health worries of their own, commitments they have, financial details, of their own lives.

YANBU to feel like it's all on you - that must be a horrible feeling. but YABU to start dictating how much other people have a duty to get involved in elderly parents lives.

It is about the company my DM is no longer very chatty or able to get out much, but we make sure she doesn't go more than a day without a visit from one if us, even if it's just half an hour for a brew or to go and have a sandwich for lunch. Today I have popped in for an hour on my way home from work and made her tea. Not sure if anyone is going tomorrow (but I will phone her) but I know my DSis is calling on Wednesday. It's hard work sometimes and tiring but I hate the thought of her being on her own all the time.

You can't force the relationships between your dad and your sisters.
Do what you feel happy with for your dad, and do it because you want to.

I know you say there is a lot more OP tbh what you ve described is giving paracetamol, making a GP appointment and then a follow up phone call. It’s hardly being a carer, the sort of thing you’d do for a neighbour really.

What is it that you don’t really like doing for him? Is it really too much? It sounds more like you’re just irritated with your sisters

He sounds like he is able to go to apps on his own, do you really need to go too? It sounds just a little like you are a bit of a martyr to be honest and feel better than your siblings in doing more.

I have suggested that we offer to go to appts with him, taking turns.

This is why women end up doing the bulk of caring in families, to the detriment of their own physical and mental health. Stop putting that on them!

If your dad wants the help, fine, he could ask them. But it's not on you to push people into it. And when he NEEDS care, it may have to be outside professional help that can support him best. Again, not on siblings if they cannot or will not provide that level of involvement.

Definitely agree that you need to take a step back here.

Is your father cognitively intact and does he WANT all the extra help? If he's cognitively intact, it's on him to manage his own health. If he can't do that, then HE needs to step up to the plate and start looking into services.

Now, I understand that you want to take care of your dad. I also understand that maybe he doesn't feel comfortable or capable of looking into services for himself. But then, your responsibility only extends as far as making him aware of what's available. It's his choice, at the end of the day, to decide whether he goes to the doctor and whether he adheres to the treatment the doctor recommends. You can't force him, and you can't take full responsibility for him.

If your dad is not competent to make decisions, you need to determine the laws in your area regarding who can make decisions for him and the process to have him declared incompetent. (IME, generally the rule is that a person is considered competent until proven otherwise.) Then you may need to start looking at alternative arrangements, such as home care/district nursing or maybe even living in a facility.