Age gap second child

[bobbyoo11]

Hi all,

Me and my husband decided to try for another baby this year, and I found out I was pregnant back in April. Unfortunately we found out I had a silent miscarriage and we are going through that crappy process. We are ok we moving forward and we are nearing the end of it now.

We do have a daughter already she's 4 and due to start School in September. We was really excited about having another but I guess it just wasn't meant to be yet.

I'm now in a shit frame of mind of the age gap situation. There is 4 years between me and my brother and 8 between me and my sister. I've never been very close to my sister but she's not very grown up enough really, she's 19, I'm 27 nearly 28.

I really don't want it to be on my mind about the age gap but I can't help but think about it. Our daughter is very happy and has never asked about having a brother or a sister, she is very happy with her guinea pig.

Is nearly 5 years a major age gap or is it ok? My husband goes away the 27th June for 4 months so he won't be back till the beginning of November. So all being well we will try again.. I'm hoping to have a good few months with her before she's off to school.

So am I just being pathetic? I know nothing goes as planned sometimes but I do feel a bit rubbish, but I'm not angry. I'm quite happy to get back to me for a bit, even though I'd of loved another.

I have 7 years between my two dds and it is brilliant. They are very very close, far closer than me and my sister ever have been who have a four year age gap. I think it is mainly their personalities rather than the gap if you see what I mean xx

I have 6 years between my two girls and they get along just fine. I found it nice on mat leave to have some one to one time with the baby so it worked out well for me. They are now 15 and 9 and still get on.

My husband is 5 years older than his sister and 8 years older than his brother. He loathed his sister when they were children, but that was down to her being manipulative and his parents creating an environment perfect for sibling rivalry. He has always gotten along brilliantly with his brother.

My ex had a 5 year gap between him and his younger brother, they didn't get along as well at some ages but we're fine once younger was in late teens.

My sister and I have a 3 year and 3 month gap and I have always disliked her, because she's an awful person.

I've known loads with shorter age gaps that loathed or loved their sibling.

Age gap means nothing, some siblings just don't get along and never will.

*were fine

There's 5 years between my DH and his sister and they get on brilliantly and were best friends as kids - I wouldn't worry!

4 yr between me and eldest db. 10 yrs between me and younger db, 14 yrs between db and db. During childhood different sets of friends with me and eldest, not much contact between the dbs as eldest db left home at 15, I've always been very close with younger db until moving out at 16, once we were adults we were all 3 of us best friends, think talking every day, visiting constantly, holidays etc. Sadly we lost our oldest db 3 years ago we were so tight we'll never get over it. the distance in our ages growing up, didn't stop us having a strong sibling bond as adults.

I think far too much is made of age gaps tbh. There's no guarantee siblings will be close just because there's a small age difference. I'm one of 5 born over nine years and I wouldn't say I'm particularly close to my siblings though we're not particularly distant either. We get along well enough but we're all different people. Through childhood "closeness" ebbed and flowed tbh.

I also think there are plenty of advantages to your potential age gap. Financially you're not paying for 2 in ft childcare, eldest being school age allows you lots of time with newborn, both at different stages of childhood so not competing with each other etc. The real question is do you definitely want another? If so then go for it!

Wow thank you .

Thank you all for your comments. It's comforting to know that age gaps aren't a big thing. I think because of some of friends and there kids being 2-3 years age gap I think holy crap. But they have said it was really hard! Some were still in nappies.

Thank you all though . I feel better already.

I was going through exactly what you are going through now a little over a year ago, OP. I’m so sorry about the mc. It’s really shit and soul destroying, but you will make it through and there can be light on the other side of all this darkness and worry and second guessing.

I found out last March that I was having a missed mc. I opted to wait for it to happen naturally (it didn’t, had a d&c in April). At the time my dd was also 4 and starting school in September. I thought I had planned everything perfectly, then it all just fell apart. It was heartbreaking. I was 36 and after a d&c I worried if I’d even get pregnant again at my age. I felt so down and just dead inside.

We decided to start trying again right away and I found out at the end of May that I was pregnant again. It was an easy pregnancy and my ds is 4 months old now and sleeping in my arms as I write this. In the end, the timing has been perfect. My dd turned 5 the week before he was born and it’s actually been a wonderful age gap. She and I got loads of time together before he came along, but now she’s in school and has her friends and is a bit more independent, so I also get lots of one on one time with him too. Being on mat leave also means I’ve been able to be home and very involved with school and I think that’s really helped her transition. She’s been so helpful and it’s been lovely to see how much she loves her brother and he adores her. Even when he’s really grumpy and fussy for me, he laughs hysterically at her! 5 year gap also means we’ll have a couple years to recover before we have to pay nursery again and we won’t have too much overlap in school either (we’d like to do private school for secondary but it would be a struggle to pay for two at the same time). Honestly it’s gone better than I could have imagined and I actually wouldn’t have wanted a smaller gap.

Hope that’s reassuring. Stay positive about it all and take care of yourself right now.

Oh I want another.. and so does my husband. Just now we will have to wait until he's back from over seas which is fine. Gives me a chance to get my body back and enjoy our daughter a bit longer before we add another.

7 Years between my DD & DS! They also have an amazing Bond!

Mindutopia,

Wow thank you. Your story sounds pretty amazing. I suppose these things happen for a reason? Even if you can't see it yet.

Unfortunately we can't try anytime soon because he goes away 27th June till beginning of November overseas so hopefully before Christmas? All being well we will see.

I think now I've got to recover and enjoy our daughter a bit longer .

A 5 year gap is very handy once you're past the baby and small toddler stage.

There's 5 years between my dc1 and dc3, she is brilliant with him - she helps him with his homework and teaches him things and listens to him read and cycles him to stop him off at friends houses so I don't have to (he's not quite old enough to go out of sight alone and she's a pair of eyes to dust him off or call for help or advise him or help him reach high up doorbells )

However I must say I found it harder having a school child needing to be kept on a schedule and ferried about combined with a non sleeping baby than I found the 2 year gap between dc1 and 2 when I could stick cbeeebies on until 9am and lie on the sofa with one eye open if I'd been up with the baby all night.

Dc1 and 2 were absolutely inseparable partners in crime from age 2 and 4 until they were 6 and 8, dc1 and 3 have never had that relationship but are close in a different way, I have to be careful she doesn't become a 3rd parent! She also spoils him rotten.

A 5 year gap is very different to 2, but it's swings and roundabouts which is better or easier (not necessarily the same thing).

Thank you catinasplashofsunshine

I suppose it's just one of them, some kids get on great with a small age gap, some don't and then vice versa with a bigger age gap.

It's just scary thinking about it all. You plan these things and not everything goes to plan. I plan not to plan anymore well to a certain degree.

Thank you though for your positive post, I think my emotions are still a bit all over the place but I'm trying to be positive.

Also in a near exact position as you OP my DC is 4 and starting school in September. I had a MMC in March at 12 weeks after having a scan at 9 weeks that was fine, saw heartbeat etc.
I won't lie that made it incredibly hard but I'm now pregnant again and just trying not to think about it!
I've stopped worrying about age gaps now.
Fingers crossed for us all in this position

DD1 and DD2 are six years apart.

They get along fine. At different ages it will be tougher than others perhaps, but shouldn't cause too many problems in itself.

Sorry about the situation OP

My DSis is nearly 8 years younger than me, 6 years younger than my DB. We’re all fairly close, our partners are all close, the age gap hasn’t been a problem, though at times I’ve probably been more parent than sister like. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

We are currently trying to conceive our second child. If I fall pregnant tomorrow then there will be a minimum of seven years between the two. I had a miscarriage in 2013 when my daughter was nearly two, and have been trying to conceive ever since with no success.

At the end of the day, it'll be what it'll be. You can't turn back time so if you want a second child then you just have to accept that the gap might be a bit bigger than originally intended.

I'm sure that if we ever manage to have another child then my daughter will be a fab older sister. Every age gap will have its pros and cons, there's absolutely no point dwelling on the negative though in this instance.

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage and good luck for future conceiving

Wow just a massive thank you to all of you.

Honestly it's so comforting to know. I feel today in society there is a bit of pressure to have a second quite close together.

It's really refreshing to hear some of your stories and feel really positive about hearing them.

I'm sorry for everyone that has had a miscarriage before conceiving their second or third etc. It's a crappy thing to go through but you have come out the other end and it's great.

Thank you

I was born 10 and 12y after my older sisters. Now have 6y between DS and DD. We have slightly different family dynamics from families with smaller gaps, but neither me nor the boss were or are bothered about it. Just grateful that no. 2 came along! Sorry to hear about your situation, but a slightly larger gap is nothing to worry about. In fact we found it lowered the stress to have child 1 established at school when child 2 came along.

Just to say i have been through a lot (bereavement etc) in the past few years, but without question the hardest thing. I have ever faced was the struggle to conceive DD2 and had two miscarriages As I say it took 6/7years and I too worried about the age gap. Be kind to yourself. Try not to over think it. Xx

I have two years between my brother and I and we never got on. I think a large age gap actually has less risk in that regard. There's much less likely to be competition between them. Even with a three year age gap there's quite a long time before they can really play together as equals (if they ever really do). Truth is you can't guarantee the sibling relationship you want with any age gap.

Thank you all