Aibu to think my partner is a CF and got it easy?

[IrisTs]

Need a rant, badly... So I think my partner has got is easy. He helped out a handful of times with the DS at night... Literally a handful! Every other time it's me....I have to take DS to the doctor, I have to deal with DS through the night since day 1, I'm the one that always have to call work and tell them I cannot come as DS is unwell and I haven't slept all night. I'm sick and tired yet he looks like the perfect employee, never calling in or requesting time to look after the DS. If I didn't work fair enough, but I work FT just as he does. AIBU to think he should get of his arse and help more? It causes a lot of arguments as he says that I blame him. He calls me crazy and storms off to work. How to deal with the issue ?! I'm at my wit's end !!!

I'm not sure AIBU is the place for this thread if you want serious advice abut how to deal with this.

But really, you need to talk about this when you're both calm. Agree in advance how it suits you both to share this burden, and do that next time the need arises.

If he refuses to own up to the responsibility of being a parent, then you need to find a new partner. Either that or look forward to a lifetime of resentment and frustration. And ffs, do not have any more children with this man.

Oh yes he's definitely a CF! My DH is military and still manages to cover half of time off for ill children as why should it just be me?! You need to tell him to start pulling his weight or get rid, lets face it you'd be no worse off if you already do everything!

Either he starts pulling his weight or the relationship will be over.

The resentment this harbours will destroy any relationship that remains. He chose to be a parent so needs to act like one. If he doesn't then he needs to leave as he isn't adding anything but the burden of another person to be in the way!

Yeah the first one is the taster kid. Don't have anymore because it's just more work for you to juggle.

Things get easier but the resentment might not go and if you have to do everything yourself anyway then what's the point of him? He have to step up and do more if you split up, which might be worth telling him.

Of course YANBU. You both work full time and are both equally responsible for DS. I think you need to wait for a calm moment and come up with a plan for how you're going to share the workload more fairly. If DS is sick and needs looking after could you not take it in turns to have a day off. If DS is up in the night could you not take shifts? (e.g. one of you responsible 10-2:30 the other 2:30-7). If you plan it in advance and each know what you're responsible for you won't end up having a huge argument when you're tired and angry.

Thank you for your responses. BottleofJamesons it doesn't work... Tried...
Yes at times I think I want to be rid but worried how I would cope financialy?

The long and short of it is that if you come up with a workable plan and he refuses to co-operate, or even does co-operate for a short while before slipping back into old habits then your resentment will grow and you will end up breaking up. Of course yanbu but you are not the first, nor will you be the last to fight this particular battle.

I work 4 days and my husband full time and he earns 50pc more than me...and we still loosely take it in turns, or have a discussion first to see who is busiest / has an important meeting etc (both jobs are quite variable as to what we have on). So yes unless your husband works somewhere where lives will be at risk if he's not in, or a zero hours contract etc then I think he is being unreasonable. With maternity leave now possible to split between both parents, and employers recognising work life balance a bit more, I think it is more and more expected that men will increasingly take time off for child related things as women used to.

I don't understand why he calls you crazy? You need to agree to a plan now that will be implemented next time your son is ill. Whether that's take equal time off or he takes him the week end afterwards etc so you can recover.

The night wakes and all the other things...how does he justify this? If you both work you both need to do an equal share at home. You need to find a way to calmly explain how unfair it is that you do everything. Maybe write down a list of everything you do in the house snd with your son and everything he does so he can see in black and white how unfair it is? If this is the way he has been brought up though it may be difficult to change his point of view though. Good luck

Yup CF, YANBU! I work 3 days, DH works FT. If DS is ill we work out between us who's work would be most impacted if they don't go in (who has meeting etc) and then that person goes in. We're lucky that both our works are fairly flexible, but it should never fall to one person. But then my husband isn't an arse!
Night wakings are done by either of us, though I will do them on the nights when he is working the next day and I'm not. On those days DH will get up with DS in the morning and give him his milk, and bring me up a tea so I can get 5 minutes peace before the day starts. We're a team.

AmIRightOrAMeringue he was brought up by great parents who worked hard and always help out. His dad does loads of stuff and always did with him when he was a child too.
I think he is just lazy. We had lots of discussions and he does stuff for a bit and then slips back with comments like house doesn't need tidying up, or this is not urgent doesn't need doing.. then it builds up and I have to catch up on all of it!! I'm always tired and unhappy as on top of that we don't do anything as a couple. Never any money, don't think there is much interest either? Weekends are mine as well... He stays up watching telly so I have to deal with the baby pretty much every single weekend! From 6am...

YANBU at all of course he should be pulling his weight, why does he think all that stuff is solely your responsibility? Has he ever answered that question?

I would suggest perhaps couples counselling to see if you can discuss this with a third party, it should either help you figure it out together or figure out that it's not working. In the meantime, I would try to figure out what your financial situation would be including looking at benefits you may be entitled to, probably more financial support than you realise. I would check out this site: www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/separating/ it seems to give a lot of info....

Do you see a future with him OP?

Leyat thanks very much will look at it.

fruitbrewhaha - I don't know.. if he asked me to marry him I would not jump on the idea and say yes that's for sure. I think I'm starting to resent him more and more...
He does do stuff but I don't think it's enough. He thinks my demands are unreasonable and that I put too much on myself. Silly thing like yesterday I have cleaned up the house, done washing, hang washing, ironed, cooked dinner, dealt with DS apart from him watching over him when I was cooking but then he couldn't even wash the dishes? He sat in the same room as Ds with his phone watching telly while DS played himself saying he is looking after him? Then the night thing happened and no help. He never takes him out... Ever... Anywhere... And I demanding too much? I am used to seeing both parents doing a lot of things and on weekends tidy up together ? Here it's not the case...

OP, you are absolutely not demanding too much. He calls you crazy because he's trying to shut you down. After all, it's a cushy life for him right now.

Resentment will build up. I was in your position, and I finally cracked. Teens and I live quite happily without ex, all of us sharing the household stuff as we all pull our weight.

Your life would be a lot easier with just the one kid, instead of the two you currently have.

If finances are your reason for staying, look at a benefits calculator like turn2us. I would rather scrimp and save in a peaceful house than live with this.

What DOES he do, apart from go to work? He can't even look after your ds properly. What a lazy git.

Sit down and talk seriously about shared lie ins. Ask him why he thinks he deserves a lie in every weekend, and why don't you deserve one?

Same with housework.

You might be fighting a losing battle with this one.

And as for marriage? You should be running a long way in the other direction. Why would you? What positive things does he bring to your lfie?

elephantscanring I don't really know... He does do stuff but it's not continuous which is what you need when you have a family? I asked him ref lay-ins but got no response just calling me crazy and delusional and a bitch for picking on him all the time. I don't like to live in a mess but I'm nowhere near obsessed just so you have a perspective.
I never get treated to anything nice and was told that's my fault as I'm constantly demanding something ?

IrisTs what do you get out of this relationship? Because he isn't treating you nicely at all. His upbringing isn't at fault because as you say his parents had an equal hands on relationship. But this must have been an issue pre-baby?

NewYearNewMe18 I think it started more through the pregnancy. He blames me for his behaviour most of the time as apparently I'm not supportive, shout and demand. Yes I can be demanding but just cannot stand DS playing when the floor is not hoovered. He does help with bath times most of the time... I feel however like everything revolves around the telly. He won't get up and help because he wants to lie in and then whole day is wasted on tidying up rather than having family time.

I am sick and tired of it but scared of making the move really. I cannot bare DS not being near me either which is what would happen if we broke up... I feel like he won't be looked after properly as he cannot wake up when DS cries?

This is beginning to sound abusive, and abusive is known to ramp up or start in pregnancy.

OP, please see if this can be moved to Relationships, you'll get some good advice there. 💐

Thanks very much I will copy post into there.

Just report your initial post, MNHQ can move the thread.