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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am so afraid of tomorrow, please do not be mean on this thread

50 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 18/06/2018 00:08

Dh has ptsd (and yep, he is seeing a therapist because this is what people always ask first) and he told me he was really not feeling well yesterday. Actually feeling really lousy... and I am afraid of going to bed today though I am very tired. I am so afraid of tomorrow. I a, afraid of what the future might bring.
I must be nuts to discuss this with strangers on the internet but I needed to talk.

OP posts:
ConfusedWife1234 · 18/06/2018 00:39

I do not want to be like a traitor discuss his health with his GP behind his back.

OP posts:
TooManyPaws · 18/06/2018 00:39

Is he ex-military, given the PTSD and the you talking about 'civilian jobs'?

Get in touch with Combat Stress as soon as you can. 0800 138 1619 for a 24 hour helpline. www.combatstress.org.uk. Everything they do is free for veterans. They will know this situation very well and will be able to help both of you. ❤️

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2018 00:40

From his comment about all civilian jobs are like this I assume he is ex services. They must have support groups that you can access on his behalf. Please also take time to look after yourself Flowers

BookWitch · 18/06/2018 00:41

Handholding OP

I am in a similar place, I'm not in the UK and DH has just gone to work. he has a meeting with HR today, which we are hoping is just a "'chat"about his sick days, he is finally getting counseling and therapy for his mental health, but there is no support through work and he has to take the day off sick when he has an appointment. Mental health still has a stigma here and he simply can't go sick due to his MH.

Or they might just fire him. (likely)

I have to get through the day, his appointment is at 2pm, either way it goes, I am predicting a downward turn.

Sorry to hijack your post, OP, I am with you on the powerless feeling

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2018 00:42

Darling - you are not being a traitor, you are being kind and loving and compassionate Flowers

ConfusedWife1234 · 18/06/2018 00:44

BookWitch You did not hijack. Sorry you are going through the same. I am not in the UK, too, btw but in Germany.
I think I should try to sleep now. BookWith, if I can help I will be very happy to do so. P,ease feel free to discuss your situation here, me and the others will try to help.

OP posts:
TooManyPaws · 18/06/2018 00:44

I do not want to be like a traitor discuss his health with his GP behind his back.

If so, go and discuss what you are feeling. You need help and support in order to help and support him. Your health is vital for both of you.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2018 00:44

Bookwitch - my thoughts are with you too Flowers

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2018 00:44

I suffered with PTSD,quite a while ago now,but what helped me was talking to someone at the hospital,I hadn't told any of my family.

Is he getting outside help?Is there anyone he would consider talking to a dr,friend,family somewhere like the samaritans,if he doesn't feel like he can talk he can email the samaritans,that's what I did and the lady who replied to my emails was really lovely,no judgement at all and she just seemed to really get what I was going through and how I was feeling.

Don't forget to reach out for help for yourself as well though Confusedwife1234

This page has got some tips for when your worried about someone else
www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/#worried-about-someone-else

I've heard good things about Mind as well
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.WybyDSAnbDc

I'm really sorry your both going through this PTSD is a bloody horrible thing to have to suffer. Flowers

musicposy · 18/06/2018 00:45

You would not be being a traitor, honestly. Also, if you help yourself to cope, you help him Flowers

musicposy · 18/06/2018 00:47

Hope you get some good rest, and Bookwitch too.

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2018 00:49

Sorry just saw your in Germany after I posted.

This is a few years ago but hopefully you'll find something that would work www.toytowngermany.com/forum/topic/315402-getting-mental-health-treatment/

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 18/06/2018 00:50

OP I echo what previous posters have said, if your DH won't go to the gp shelf, then you make an appointment and you go...GP appointments are confidential and your dh won't know that you discussed it with the dr...and the dr will be able to give you some really good advice over what to do and how to get dh some help as it sounds like you are stuck in limbo (you want help and you are scared incase dh does something to harm himself,)

Please speak to the dr...imagine if dh did harm.himself or God forbid did kill himself, you would regret not going to the gp and asking for help and advice...dh probably won't want to seek help, that may be part of his Illness, so you may have to help him get help...don't be worried about him getting angry at you,..you aren't doing anything bad , you are a concerned wife, seeking help

SneakyGremlins · 18/06/2018 00:53

Bitte mit dem Artzt reden.

Your husband needs your support. I understand he may not want to see the doctor but it's what is best for him. I would go with him but please try and insist that he goes. Flowers for you OP.

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2018 00:53

Fingers crossed for you and your DH Bookwitch I don't know where abouts you are but if you haven't already try looking under charities for mental health support if the medical system where you live isn't so good charities usually do they're best to try and cover some of the needs of those living locally.

melodybirds · 18/06/2018 01:09

Gosh op thats a lot for you to deal with. I think he's in a closed mindset of I have to go to work or I have to harm myself if I cannot (due to a breakdown). It's very black and white. He needs to see the grey that not going to work doesn't matter; that there is no difference not going before you hit the wall or not going after you've hit the wall.

I think you could have a really frank conversation about his thoughts and ask leading questions rather than how are you ect. He needs a direct outlet to talk and have a cry if he's only given the odd sentence. Easier said than done though. I think just tell him you are taking him seriously and it's not his fault he feels like this. He is ill and it is no different to being ill in a pysical way. Only suggestions and really feel for you both.

hellokittymania · 18/06/2018 01:19

No advice here, but lots and lots of hugs. My sister has mental health issues and is unpredictable, so even if it’s not quite the same, I do understand you.

BookWitch · 18/06/2018 05:41

Hope you have managed to get some sleep OP

We're nearly at meeting time here. Just want to know either way now.

Helpthem2018 · 18/06/2018 06:26
Flowers
LuMarie · 18/06/2018 06:37

I have PTSD, have for a long time. Textbook apparently. Sometimes I am absolutely fine, happy and I cope with the symptoms.

Other times it takes over to the point where it bothers me to a point I think it not something anyone should normally be consistently be suffering. Usually if not always there is a reason, it isn't like other conditions where things seem to inexplicably happen.

I do recognise when it is difficult enough to be able to say "It is bothering me at the moment" or "I'm concerned that this isn't improving and it's too much".

With PTSD it is possible to have this kind of clarity of thinking, the "This feels unpleasant and I am concerned it is going to become a problem" before it is actually a serious problem.

It is then a case of trying to ease things so that it doesn't continue and that is very difficult. It is an exhausting condition because it is always present, it is distressing circumstances that you always end up questioning and therefore not escaping from and reliving that have lead to it and it is permanent work and effort trying to keep in a good way. Sometimes it feels to exhausting and can just be at a loss.

I do think that the mention of suicide and nervous breakdown is serious. Definitely the therapy is important and I hope your DH is benefiting from it and sharing these things. The obvious answer may seem "time off work, change role at work etc" and sometimes that is a good approach, but sometimes the stress as it is in this case is actually more complex because PTSD is very complex, sometimes it's not practical and sometimes it just feels almost worse to choose to be limited in a way not fitting to your natural character and wouldn't be the case if it weren't for the PTSD and the things leading to it. It then becomes a bit circular, because stepping away from something to ease PTSD difficulties actually is a big reminder of PTSD and the trauma, which is not something you want.

It is good that he is sharing with you how he feels and because of that I think it's fine to follow up with him. Ask how he is, ask if therapy helps with these things, tell him you are worried.

As for talking to a doctor yourself, you are absolutely not betraying him and I would have no problem with someone close to me learning more about the condition in a way that doesn't need me to have to try to explain it. Also, you can ask for yourself, how do I cope with a partner with these challenges. What should I be massively concerned by, what should I do in certain situations, what is normal, how can I interpret and understand what is going on. I would not for a second feel betrayed by someone doing this. I would appreciate it.

You also need support. I'm very aware of the people around me being upset because I am, so I try to take on everything myself because I worry for them. That of course doesn't help me, but I don't want them to be harmed. If I knew someone was going to therapy or talking to a doctor about their own health in the circumstances quite honestly I would be thrilled.

I would feel so much less worried about them and the effect on their wellbeing, I would not feel that I had to carry it all myself to protect them because I would know they have support and good understanding, I wouldn't feel as guilty about my experiences causing my family worry and distress, all of that would make me feel much better.

So I would really like for people close to me to have their own support system.

The things he has said definitely merit more attention and understanding for you to work with and not worry about, as well as support and changes so that he no longer feels this way. I'm not sure how the dynamic is on talking about it, but maybe tell him you are really worried and can you please both together talk to a doctor to figure out how can hopefully figure things out.

I think a doctor or therapist for you is a good idea too. It's not betraying someone, it is a massive sign of love to join with someone in this and I know I would really feel better and likely benefit from people close to me being able to do this.

mpsw · 18/06/2018 06:39

Has he definitely had a proper diagnosis?

PTSD is a specific condition, not a catch-all term fro MH issues arising after stress/trauma.

It sounds as if he needs a referral to veterans MN services

www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/Militaryhealthcare/veterans-families-reservists/Pages/veterans-mental-health.aspx

You said in your thread yesterday that he does not want to do this, because of entirely misplaced concerns that someone would see him as 'weak". You need to see this as a symptom of his illness (whether it is PTSD or something else). Becaus the military has changed in their aspect enormously, and the services it provides have improved dramatically.

I also suggest that you get this moved to a 'health' topic, rather than posting in AIBU

LuMarie · 18/06/2018 06:48

@mpsw

OP has said that is the condition, I'm not sure there is a need to dismiss that. Also the military assumption was just an assumption, the OP has not confirmed this either.

I'm not sure you've read properly for the rest and it is fine for the OP to put this here. She is asking is she is being reasonable in her reaction. Try to be a bit gentler with wording please, the OP and her DH are clearly going through a great deal.

Mulberry72 · 18/06/2018 06:56

I dong have any advice OP but wanted to send a hug and hand hold Flowers

My DB is ex forces and really struggled when he came out of the Forces.

Hope you & DH are feeling brighter today xxxx

mpsw · 18/06/2018 07:02

I'm not dismissing it.

Quite the contrary.

But, given their his thread and the one yesterday, and her DH's unwillingness to see doctors, I am very concerned because the possibility of misdiagnosis, when someone has not seen a psychiatrist or other specialist in a MH unit is real and potentially highly detrimental.

Her DH's refusal to do this might be part of his condition, and the first step in getting him better is to get him to engage with the services which exist to treat and support. Not necessarily Combat Stress (which was much recommended on OP's previous thread) - but anything that would persuade him that his perceptions of stigma about MH issues is not accurate. OK, there are pockets of those who are are dismissive/unpleasant (just as you will find out-of-date people in any walk of life). Moving him away from making his health choices based on erroneous ideas of what 'people think' could be the single most important step that could happen now.

Getting him properly engaged with veterans MH and mil charity support (whatever the diagnosis) is going to be way more likely to produce a good outcome than seeing an (unspecified) therapist and considering aromatherapy (as described in last thread)

ConfusedWife1234 · 18/06/2018 09:56

Thank you very much. Thanks!

This morning he told me he was feeling fine. Actually he slept trough the night without waking for the first time in weeks and is feeling much better. He told me not to worry and that he would find himself help if he really has a nervous breakdown.

Yes, he has been diagnosed with ptsd. Actually he was medically discharged, ptsd being one of the reasons. The therapist he is seeing now is a ptsd therapist.

But nevertheless we sometimes question the diagnosis. Why? Because he has different symptoms than other people. Actually only hypervigilance but no flashbacks, no inability to recall bad things (in fact the opposite, inability to forget about things that made him unhappy), no aggression or risk taking.

And he has some things that could be OCD or hypervigilance. He is very much afraid of germs, extremely clean... he is afraid of the kids becoming sick with tetanus. They are vaccinated but he is afraid they might catch it nevertheless, when they play in the dirt and one has a little scratch, he has to fight back the panic he feels.

One of his friends had sepsis (but not tetanus).

He has such a twitch of his face like a tic and that drives him nuts and he is afraid that people think he stupid or pathetic because of the twitch.

He has trouble sleeping, often wakes up multiple times a night and cannot go back to sleep until he checked everything is okay.

Actually he did not see much action. Another reason why he questions the diagnosis, he always says others have been trough worse.

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