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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on ds and remove screen limits

26 replies

theduchessstill · 17/06/2018 21:47

I just don't know what to do with him and after the weekend from hell just feel like giving up.

He is nearly 9 but tantrums like a 2 yr old. He's NT afaik and doing very well at school behaviourally and academically. At home life seems to be increasingly dominated by his tantrums and he is unbelievably narrow in his interests and stubborn about what he will and won't do . His dad and I split 4 years ago and dc spend 2 nights a week there, and, from what ds1 says the tantrums are as bad or worse there.

He is obsessed with Roblox and music. He accepts there are limits on how long he can spend on Roblox at mine but then all he wants to do is go on YT or Spotify and look up music stuff/play songs. He has a microphone and amp and would just sing all day if he could. He puts instrumentals on Spotify and then sings to them. It was fun at first and I didn't limit it much because he was dancing and learning lyrics, so it felt quite active. But it's just relentless now and he won't do anything else. He likes to have the curtains drawn so we're in the dark and it's so bloody loud.

No matter what limits and warnings are set he tantrums when it's time to come off and moans about having to do anything else. Yesterday he cried for 2 hours in the morning when it was time to turn it off and cried all the way to his activity, which is performance arts related and he has previously loved. He was ok when I picked him up, but I was drained and so was ds1. Ds1 is an appeaser and peace-keeper, and it worries me terribly what this is doing to him. After that we went to the cinema, which he hated (Jurassic World - ds1' choice) and, when I said no more screen when we got in he cried himself to sleep on the sofa at 7.30 before eating -totally unheard of. He slept right through so had no dinner. I thought he may be ill, but today he was well.

Today he went cried for 20 mins about going for a walk after lunch until I lost it and shouted at him and forced him into his shoes. He carried on whining for first part of the walk, then cheered up and we stopped at a park - all good. At home, he went straight to songs after homework and couldn't be persuaded to play a game with me and ds1.

He speaks constantly in a good but ridiculous American accent, which makes him sound really cheeky, and just has no interest in anything apart from music (2 singers only) and Roblox. The atmosphere this weekend has been utterly shit. I tend to blame everything on their dad, who lets them get away with everything, but I don't know how fair that is as I can't seem to achieve anything. I think screens in the morning is the problem as they are both up before 7 and on them at weekends, but I'm so shattered as I get up before 6am all week and I just can't get myself up before 8ish on the weekends, so they start off shit. Ds1, however, has no problem turning it all off between 9 & 10, it's ds2 who can't seem to move on from it.

WIBU to insist on homework, some chores and some outings and other than that to let him do as he wants? I'm on my own with a stressful job and I just can't do all this conflict at weekends. Just feel like a total and utter failure as a parent tonight.

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 17/06/2018 21:48

I think you need to take it all away for a few weeks. He's 9 and you need to set the boundaries here. I know it's hard.

Postymalone · 17/06/2018 21:51

Take it away altogether.
The singing in the dark is weird.

Unsure123123 · 17/06/2018 21:56

Complete electronic ban! It's getting out of control.

ReadingRiot · 17/06/2018 21:57

I agree, remove it altogether for a while and let him "reset" and remember/discover the rest of the world.

He'll be bored - - and - - a - - pain-- for a while but you'll see a vast improvement in less than 24 hours ime

FASH84 · 17/06/2018 21:58

I worked in a summer camp thing when I was a student for kids 7-12 and he sounds like a lot of the drama school kids (not all, a few were lovely). He's becoming a bit of a drama llama, what are the other children at his performing arts activities like? Do they go to mainstream school or drama school? He might be picking things up.

Orlandointhewilderness · 17/06/2018 22:01

remove the screens!! you have the power, yes it will cause tantrums but they WILL END. if he wants to work in the arts then endless screens won't help, he needs to interact and engage.

thethoughtfox · 17/06/2018 22:03

Isn't the American accent thing, often a ASD sign? (Apologies if this is wrong/ hurtful)

LovingLola · 17/06/2018 22:06

I think a total removal of it all is warranted. For at least several years. His mental health must be suffering at this stage.

DashingRed · 17/06/2018 22:07

I think it would be a shame to take it away completely as it sounds productive and fun. However, he cannot dictate how, when and where he is allowed to do his singing.

So I would say to him firstly, that you are not sitting in the dark anymore. He has to go upstairs in his bedroom and if it gets too loud, you will turn it off.

Secondly, give him a clear timeframe - so he can play on it from 12-2 but after that, it goes off and if he starts complaining it will go off permanently - and stick to it!

If he is going to have a two hour tantrum, then he won't go to his activity at all. I know it means you'll be stuck with him instead but that's just ridiculous behaviour.

Switch your wifi off at night so he can't get online in the mornings. Again, tell him any whinging and it won't go on at all. You deserve a bit of a lie in at the weekends and do not want to be woken up before 8.

You need to set firm boundaries here. You might have a few shitty weekends whist he learns the new 'rules' but he needs to learn that he does not dictate what goes on in your home!

DashingRed · 17/06/2018 22:10

Oh and also, any prolonged tantrums, if he cannot be reasoned with at all I would just put him straight into his room and shut the door. If he wants to kick off for two hours then crack on.

LovingLola · 17/06/2018 22:11

Secondly, give him a clear timeframe - so he can play on it from 12-2 but after that, it goes off

The op already does that.

No matter what limits and warnings are set he tantrums when it's time to come off and moans about having to do anything else

DashingRed · 17/06/2018 22:13

Yes but I think she should clearly explain to him that you can play on it, but if you whinge at the end then it is going off permanently - for a prolonged period of time.

Give him a chance at least, set the expectation, and if he falls short just turn it off indefinitely.

LovingLola · 17/06/2018 22:15

I expect from what the OP has said that she may have done that already but maybe she could clarify.

Mogleflop · 17/06/2018 22:16

Have you ever thought about autism? The obsessive interests, accents, meltdowns sound very familiar.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 17/06/2018 22:17

Find some articles on how too much screen time and gaming affects children and show them to him. Tell him you’re on his side and it’s really important that he isn’t exposed to as much screen time he’s been having and you’re going to take it away while he ‘resets’.
Have outings, activities, films lined up to distract him.
It won’t be easy initially but it’ll be worth it.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 17/06/2018 22:18

Yes well, I was thinking along these lines myself, but have 2 major problems:

Resentment between the 2 brothers- ds1 doesn't behave like this but also isn't perfect, and ds2 is adept at pointing out ds1's misdemeanours and calling 'unfair' if I try to impost a ban just on him.

When they go to ex's it will all go to shit and he won't co-operate at all and I'll have to start from scratch each time I have them. It means the majority of the time they spend with me is filled with conflict.

OP posts:

elephantscanring · 17/06/2018 22:21

Cold turkey.

It’s not doing him any good and it’s affecting the entire family. All the hours of crying?! Ffs.

Clear boundaries about the chores he has to do, more outside time... oerhaps he can earn back screen time in a few weeks?

Children’s brains are not designed to cope with screens and the constant mental stimulation.

elephantscanring · 17/06/2018 22:24

My dc do this all the time. I tell them they are different dc and I parent them differently.i also say they can only criticise someone else when they are perfect themselves...
That’s tricky. Is your ex happy with dc 2’s behaviour? Get him on side if possible, so you’re both being consistent. Otherwise, tell your dc that there are different rules at yours and daddy’s. But this will be harder for dc2 to understand...

Original poster

theduchessstill · 17/06/2018 22:28

I have thought about autism frequently. Not sure what I should do if I do suspect that though, as, from what I have found out, school play a crucial role and they have no concerns at all about him. If he was autistic, his obsessions would be best left alone, from what I have seen. I get the thing about screens being bad for children, but the singing is not really screen related.

OP posts:

Boooommm · 17/06/2018 22:37

My ds sounds just like yours and has recently been diagnosed with mild aspergers. Best thing we did was remove all electronics for two weeks and then returned with a 3 day on (with a 1-2 hour limit] 4 days off. Hugely improved all our lives. definitely re-set him. We now have the odd electronic free week to make sure it works. He now has lots more interests too.

DashingRed · 17/06/2018 22:37

singing is not really screen related

Exactly, which is why I think it would be a shame just to ban it outright. It's more his reaction when you say 'enough' or try to get him to engage with something else.

I do think that you need to treat them both fairly. So you could say that they both have to do an hour of chores in the morning, then you go and do something as a family in the afternoon. In the late afternoon/early evening they are allowed a bit of screen time/singing or whatever, with the strict condition that if there is any whinging then it goes off permanently for a week. Whatever you do, you have to stick to it. I'm sure he will tantrum the first time, but that is when you must enforce it.

I'm not entirely sure what you do with DS1 who will then be punished by default when the wifi is switched off!

DashingRed · 17/06/2018 22:39

Or, as others have suggested, just turn the wifi off so neither of them can indulge and your younger DS will just have to get his singing fix at his drama class!

BustopherJones · 17/06/2018 22:49

Would you get anywhere expanding his interest at all? Singing lessons might channel the obsession a bit, or piano/keyboard so he could accompany himself?

OliviaBenson · 18/06/2018 07:57

I don't think you should be concerned that your ds will compare himself to his older brother. He's older and has obviously earned your trust with using devices responsibly. I'd be pointing that out to him.

As hard as it is you need to put your foot down as it will only get harder, not easier when he's older.

Tessliketrees · 18/06/2018 08:25

When I tried to limit my oldests screen time (he was around 8/9) he began to do things like get up at 5am ( I don't know how he woke himself up) to play or stay awake until the early hours and sneak down.

I was tearing my hair out with him. We would also ban screen time as the default punishment (only for an hour of the two).

He just became more obsessive.

Me and DH decided to lift all restrictions and stop making it "forbidden". He absolutely hammered it for about two weeks, he was on the PS (which was the only screen then really) every waking hour.

Then he suddenly self regulated.

He is now 17 and has had a very healthy relationship with screens ever since. I remember feeling really sorry for him one summer holidays when he was about 13, he was on his headset begging his mates to come out and play football but they just wanted to game.

It worked much better than we had hoped, the original plan was to "reset" the dynamic the PS had created between us all (us as gatekeepers, PS as his ultimate goal etc). I can't say if that would have worked.

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