Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send it all back?

25 replies

NotForMeNow · 17/06/2018 20:59

Sorry am long time lurker but really need some advice now please. I'll try to keep it brief...

My dad passed away last month - he was ill - divorced - living in social housing 100 miles from us. I'm only child and have 2 young kids myself.

He didn't have any money that we knew of at the time but we knew he didn't want a funeral so arranged direct cremation and paid on credit card. Also arranged to scatter ashes and have a wake so the family could say goodbye.

All this went fine but the problem is my dad's brother has asked his other siblings to contribute to the costs (which were minimal and covered) - I told everyone I didn't want any money. It's also transpired that Dad had actually saved some money anyway - not a lot but enough to pay for his cremation.

This week I've had 5 contributions from family - I've spoken to my uncle and explained that we don't want or need the money. But both my husband and uncle say that people would be offended if I send it back. I would obviously explain politely that we are very grateful but just don't need it. I feel terrible taking money when there's no need to and my dad was a proud man despite his circumstances.

Would people really be that offended? Or would they actually be pleased that my dad was OK to pay for himself in the end?

I feel terrible guilt about everything and this is tearing me up even more. Sorry

OP posts:
aldaniti · 17/06/2018 21:02

I don't think I would be offended in that scenario. Is it relatively small amounts? How about donating it to charity?

Sorry for your loss Thanks

Picklepickle123 · 17/06/2018 21:02

I think you should accept the money. Its not been given maliciously, and there have been costs to cover.

Crunchymum · 17/06/2018 21:04

Sorry for your loss but

"Despite his circumstances" ????

Is there something wrong with social housing?

Send the money back, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder about it?

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 21:04

If it's older relatives, don't give it back, it will be insulting. It was the done thing for a Family to contribute.

If it's people your own age, who haven't just got it spare, then explain and see what they say.

BMW6 · 17/06/2018 21:05

Give it to a charity that you think your Dad would approve of.

DragonMummy1418 · 17/06/2018 21:06

Oh dear, sorry for your loss Thanks
Maybe you could use the money to buy a headstone or a bench in his memory?

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 21:07

Crunchymum fuck off with that, she's here for support.

It's a well known saying, poor but proud. It means that you'll do without before asking for a handout. Even if those offering it won't miss it.

DragonMummy1418 · 17/06/2018 21:08

Crunchymum - nice reply to someone grieving. Hmm

I wouldn't give it to charity, it's a nice idea but people have sent it for the funeral, not for charity - that might upset them.

Igmum · 17/06/2018 21:08

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers. Why not use the money to plant a tree or something in memory of your dad? Looks like it is kindly meant

HollowTalk · 17/06/2018 21:10

I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

Flowers

If your dad was my brother I would want to help out and I'd be a bit upset if you objected to it. Your dad belonged to many people and they're trying to help now. That's what a good family's about. Let them show their respect and love for their brother. It comes from a really good place.

Rocinante1 · 17/06/2018 21:11

@Crunchymum

OP obviously doesn’t mean anything bad. But funerals can cost a few thousand and honestly, an elderly, single person in social housing on a very fixed income will quite often not have thousands saved up. But not having much money in the bank will not change her father’s pride, nor should it. He wouldn’t want them giving money, and if it would hurt him for people to think he needed it then I’d want to tell them that he was actually ok.

greenlynx · 17/06/2018 21:13

I also second tree or bench.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

millymae · 17/06/2018 21:15

Sorry for your loss OP. Is there a book of rememberance at the crematorium. If so, how about using the money to have his name added to the book?

moreismore · 17/06/2018 21:22

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I would reply thanking them, explain that the money not actually needed for the funeral and offer to return it or donate to a charity your dad would have approved of.

Original poster
NotForMeNow · 17/06/2018 21:24

I think a tree or bench is a really good idea thank you everyone. But I am worried that some of the younger family can't afford it - they are all older than me but not sure they have the money really. But then if I send it back to some and not others - that would be really rude I think? A bench sounds like a good plan then at least we've done something nice for him and others hopefully thank you

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2018 21:27

I think the tree/bench sounds like a lovely idea. Smile. It looks as though your dad was much loved.

MimpiDreams · 17/06/2018 21:28

I think some people expect to give money at funerals. For some it's the done thing, a mark of respect. Sending it back would be a bit rude. Perfectly fine to send them a message saying 'thank you' and that you've donated it to x charity in memory of your dad.

TypingoftheDead · 17/06/2018 21:30

I think I would use the money for some kind of memorial. The funeral is paid for but it might be nice to have something tangible to remember him by.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/06/2018 21:31

Crunchymum do you have to go out of your way to get so easily offended or does it happen naturally? Cop yourself on

troodiedoo · 17/06/2018 21:34

If people have already given then accept it graciously. It'll help them grieve to feet they are contributing. Sit on the money for a while and I'm sure it will come to you how to honour your dad with it. No rush.

Hohofortherobbers · 17/06/2018 21:36

If you're planning a wake later on then put it towards that, a buffet or money behind the bar? Then they will get to benefit from it. It was given in good faith for his funeral arrangements so spend it on them

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 21:37

I would be happy to contribute to the costs of my siblings wake and cremation. I really wouldn't offend them by sending it back. You could use the money to have a plaque done at the crematorium and let them all know about it so they can leave flowers if they like or donate to a charity or to the hospital/hospice he was in if appropriate.

CheeseyToast · 17/06/2018 21:42

I think that when grief is raw, many thinks hurt that perhaps might not at other times.
I think your dad's siblings want to be supportive so please don't be upset that they've given, but perhaps earmark it for something in your dad's memory.
I do feel for you. Fresh bereavement here too x

Oldieandgoldie · 17/06/2018 21:45

I’d send a letter of thanks, saying thank you for the money. All donations have been put towards funeral costs, with any balance being used for a memorial stone/bench/tree/plaque etc.

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/06/2018 22:00

Contributing at the time of a funeral is traditional in some cultures.
Its something people do without really minding what the money goes on. Its a sort of token.
We had people knocking on our door with cash, we live in the East End.
I went through some condolence cards years after and found ten pound notes in some of them.

I wouldn't worry too much really. A bench is a lovely idea. We have one.
They can cost up to 2k. Thats how much ours was but they may be less outside of London.
I am sorry for your loss and for other's on this thread Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread