AIBU to expect DH to be more patient in the car?

[Knackered1234]

Hi All - I’m currently learning to drive and trying to get private practice in between lessons as baby #3 will be arriving in October (and I really need to pass before then!) Test is booked for late July.

Only issue is everytime I get into the car with hubby he turns into a shouty, horrible ogre. He belittles me at every opportunity and there’s never any positive feedback even when I do things perfectly. I still make silly mistakes occasionally, but my instructor thinks I’ll be ready come test day it’s just bay parking and parallel parking I still sometimes struggle with (but my last lesson I aced both every single attempt so progress is definitely being made!)

I had built up quite a lot of confidence over the past 2 weeks, but today I feel that’s been completely destroyed. He called me thick because I struggled with my bay park initially 🙄😔 and then when we were out driving I asked for clarification on directions and he basically said I would never pass because my sense of direction is so poor! If I make a mistake when driving he will say something like ‘well that’s an instant fail there!’ Etc. He makes me want to give up!

AIBU to expect him to be a bit more patient and understanding? I really need the practice in between lessons and am worried that if I just have my weekly lessons up until the test I won’t be ready. There’s a 9 week wait for tests at the moment so if I cancel the one I have booked or take it and fail I will have to wait until after baby is born as I’ll be full term (37 weeks) and think I’d prob be too big then to take it again.

Any advice?
TIA

That’s a shame he is making you feel like that. Is there anyone else you could go out with, to practise?

How would he like it if you pointed out every little mistake he makes when he drives, I wonder?!

My experience was similar, when i was learning my mother loaned me her car, DP has licence but no car.

First time it happened i was just flustered, and couldn't get home quickly enough. When we finished he was suddenly all happy again. Once i twigged that he was just being difficult, the minute he started being horrid, 8 pulled over and offered him the option get out or shut up. He decided to keep quiet.

Sorry, hope you find what works for you.

Practice with someone else.

Teaching is a skill, he doesn't have it.

The kind interpretation is that he's expressing frustration, at your imperfect skills, but actually more at his own inability to offer effective advice on how to improve. Realising that he knows how to do the manouvre himself but has no idea how to explain to to you, in a way that helps you get it right, must make him feel a bit foolish (though, once he recognises that this is the problem, the obvious solution would be to keep his mouth shut).

Some people are more suited to helping a learner than others. I know I wokld be shit at it! Just beinb able to drive pretty well isn’t enough.

Find someone who is more patient or you will probably be best just sticking with the instructor for now

@4mogirl unfortunately no other options for private practice. Most of my friends have little ones so no time to take me out and my extended family all live too far away. Stuck with impatient, shouty husband I’m afraid. It stinks! Hmmm yes pretty sure he’d find it incredibly annoying if the shoe was on the other foot!

@FinallyHere my DH is the same. When I point out what an arse he is being he will stop for a while and be all nice, but then revert back to shouty mode before I know it. He just can’t shut up and let me drive! I’m a safe driver and have never done anything dangerous when we’ve been out practicing I guess maybe he just doesn’t trust that anyone can drive as well as he does... sigh

I feel your pain @Knackered1234

Keep in mind how satisfying it will be once you have passed. Promise yourself, you will not allow him in the car unless he behaves, once you do have your licence.

Any chance you can tell him clearly that he needs to STFU unless it's a real emergency?

Then, every time he comments, pull over, then ask if he's able to exert some contol over himself, before starting up again.

Mine was a bit like that too. That kind of thing works for some people but not most. Just tell him to keep quiet from now on or just don't go out with him snymor

@lottiegarbanzo ah if only! He literally cannot keep his mouth shut! I threatened to pull over and get out and walk home (about 15 miles!) earlier because he was pissing me off so much! Then when I do need help or advice he refuses. I was on a unfamiliar route today and simply asked if I should take the next left and he went mental and said he wasn’t going to help me anymore and that I should know by now (basically that I’m useless!). I was a shaking mess by the time I got home. We had the two kids in the back too getting tetchy so all together a stressful, unpleasant journey

My only practise was driving lessons with a qualified instructor and I passed after 12 lessons.
I remember my mother having lessons and insisting my father took her out for practise with sister and me in the back of the car. My gentle easygoing father turned into a tyrant and after a (mercifully) short time DM stopped the car in tears and made him drive us home. This was in 1961 and she was never brave enough to continue with lessons so was dependent on DF for lifts till he died. And then she had to sell the car and use public transport.
Forget practise with DH.

@llangennith yep my Grandma had a similar experience...she went out with my Grandad (ordinarily a lovely bloke!) and it was so awful she never got back behind the wheel again. My Mum doesn’t drive because she was in the back witnessing the whole experience (this would have probably been 60s too) and she always believed she’d be terrible so never tried!

I don’t want it to stop me after I’ve come so far (Driving is a huge deal for me as I was in a nasty motorway accident at 17 as a passenger and so had avoided lessons due to anxiety ever since and I’m 32 now!) but he has pretty much destroyed the little confidence I had built up. Doh

Sound like me and my husband. I threatened to castrate him if he said another word! I was so angry with him by this point as driving with him used to leave me a gibbering wreck and I almost gave up because of it. It took months after I passed my test before I could drive comfortably with him in the car, even my DD used to notice how badly I drove when he was in the car.

I think you are going to do your confidence a lot more harm by going out with him, than by not going out for extra practice.
I'd just have the lessons, or, if you can possibly find the money, find a way to pay for an extra 3 lessons with your instructor or something. I know lessons are expensive, but they don't cost as much as having to take your test again.

OP, honestly it's unacceptable and poor behaviour. If you were teaching a skill to your DH and he had trouble mastering it, would it be acceptable to scream and shout?

I taught my DH accounting, he was appalling and I remained calm. He's an experienced driver but doesn't have a UK license so I drive for the family. He would rant and belittle like your husband. First, I had a calm word before we set out, letting him know screaming was unacceptable and counter productive, as it made me more nervous.

The next time he screamed, I calmly turned the car around and drove back home. I asked him if could manage without losing his temper, if not I was unwilling to continue.

It worked!!! He really holds his tongue in the car now. Remain calm and hold your ground.

@HopeSpringsEternal2017 it’s so horrible isn’t it? I was literally shaking today. It’s a wonder we got home in one piece to be honest...at one point he shouted at me to calm down when I made a stupid mistake due to nerves and I said how can I f*ing calm down you are making me so bloody nervous!!!? I definitely drive more confidently in my lessons

Well, while I realise inability to bite ones tongue is quite common in this situation, this sounds like horrible bullying and a terrible example for him to set your children.

Book daily lessons and stop driving with him.

I had an abusive ex who was so nasty about my driving after I passed my test that I lost all my confidence. He used to criticise everything in a nasty way, grab the steering wheel dramatically, beep my horn etc. When I’d be on the verge of tears he would laugh hysterically at my face. I couldn’t have been that bad as he still expected my to drive him everywhere Luckily he’s an ex now.

If you think he’s going to do more harm than good then don’t have practice with him. He will wreck your confidence