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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely had it with ExH (in regards to kids)

23 replies

ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 19:57

Ex has the kids at the weekend. He pays no maintaince.

He lives in a horrid 1 bed flat and we have 4 kids.

He's grumpy with them. I know it's hard being a single parent but he just has zero patience.
He tries to get out of having them at any opportunity.

This weekend went as so:

Friday, he picks them up from school. But instead of going straight home he brings the kids to mine to wait for the 2 that go to high school.

So even though it's 'My day off' the kids are here from about 4 till 5.30, often later.

I have to sort clothes out for them and get them ready as he won't. If I don't do this theybwear mismatched crumpled clothes he has at his house.

So Saturday he asks me if I want to go swimming.

I tell him I'm busy doing a massive clean out. He says he will bring the kids and help. The kids rooms need doing so I agree.
Once he gets here he pissed off for 45 mins 😒 then when he gets back he spent help clean and orders pizza for tea.

It gets to about 7pm and the kids are moaning that they want to stay here. He tries to say they can.

I say no as I am up every morning at 7am and I want my Sunday lie in.

He tells the kids he will bring them back in the morning (they are supposed to come home at 4!!)

So today I'm getting messages from 8am saying the kids want to come home.

I tell him I am gutting the kitchen.

He says he will come help.

He turns up at 1pm with kids. Stays 10 mins. Doesn't help and then leaves.

This is a regular thing.

Other things he does include swapping his days constantly for nights out or events then refusing to help me out by doing same or picking them up from school when I'm stuck.

AIBU to have had enough and tell him I'm just keeping the kids from now on and he can just take them out for a few hours on a saturday.

They don't want to be there and he doesn't seem to want them. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 19:58

Sorry when he got back Saturday he didn't really help clean*

OP posts:
Fucksgiven · 17/06/2018 20:00

The message they're getting at the minute is neither of you want them, so yes; keep them with you and let him take them out.

Catmum26 · 17/06/2018 20:01

I’d say you’re being reasonable to suggest he just sees them for a few hours instead of the whole weekend if he can’t handle it but id check how the kids would feel about that arrangement first. From what you’ve said I’m sure they wouldn’t mind but you don’t want them thinking you are keeping them from their dad. Also it might be worth getting that agreement legally drawn up as it could easily be twisted back on you to make it look like you’re keeping him from having them if he decided to take it down a legal path later on.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 17/06/2018 20:02

You are enabling him to be a feckless fucker by letting him in your house + managing the needs of the dc in his time.
Write him a list of all he needs to be a fully functioning df.
Stick an iron on the list.
And back away.

Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 20:04

That's not the case at all.

I want them to have a relationship with their father.
I hate the fact he has them every weekend.

I want them here but I want them to see their dad. I just think weekends are too much for him and them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 20:05

And I didn't say that I wanted a lie in in front of them. It was in the kitchen away from their ears.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 17/06/2018 20:10

Could you suggest making it every other weekend so you get more quality time with them and he has some weekend time off and the chance to miss them in between. This popping by when it is his time needs to stop. Let him pick all kids up from yours on a Friday when the eldest are back and he must entertain them until the agreed time on Sunday.

Other alternative is that he has them for just one full weekend day and night.

However, if you want them every weekend with him just taking them out one day then yanbu to ask.

lardass88 · 17/06/2018 20:10

Can't you alternate the weekends? And just make yourself unavailable if he texts? He's a grown man and needs to look after them himself. Make plans for yourself so you won't be around if he turns up at your house. Or just don't answer the door lol. As for the clothes. Let him worry about that! You're doing too much and letting him get away with it. My kids used to look like tramps when they were with their dad but that's up to him.

WallisFrizz · 17/06/2018 20:13

By the way, even if you had have said you wanted a lie in in front of them yanbu. I’m sure your children are secure in your love for them.

Alienspaceship · 17/06/2018 20:15

Why on earth are you responding to his messages, explaining yourself (I’m cleaning) and letting him in your house?? You are enabling him.

WickedGirl · 17/06/2018 20:16

Change it to every other weekend so you both get quality time with the kids and away from them

elephantscanring · 17/06/2018 20:17

Go to CMS so at least your useless ex is paying something towards his four dc.Then, i’d say it wasn’t convenient for him to come to yours at all. When he has the dc, he looks after them. See how that works.

Ask your dc what they want to do. Then Change access arrangements so he takes them out on a Saturday if necessary.

What a useless, selfish knob.

MamaJaye · 17/06/2018 20:18

YANBU to keep them at weekends!

I know you want to try and help them have. Good relationship with their dad but if he's not bothering why should you?

My dad used to beg me to go and stay with him for a night every a couple of weeks. I reluctantly went while he proceeded to snore on the couch all night long, tell me to clean his disgusting flat or ignore me and read the newspaper. I don't know why he bothered. It was awful and I begged my mum not to make me go. She did stop the visits and I just used to see him for a short time during the days. Sure it didn't give my mum that well deserved break but I was a happier kid and she was much happier too. You can't make him be a good dad unfortunately.

MamaJaye · 17/06/2018 20:18

Sorry unexpectedly long reply 🙈 Must have triggered something! 😂

SnapCards · 17/06/2018 20:20

Must be a difficult situation for you OP and I understand you want him to have a good relationship with them and do his fair share (ish).

But reading your OP, the only emotion I could summon was feeling so sorry for your children.

What was he like when you were together? He must have been a good Dad at some point, or surely you wouldn't have had 4?

SoftBallSophie · 17/06/2018 20:21
  1. The message you are both sending your poor DC is that neither of you wants them.
  1. Your ex spends too much time at your house, not sure why you even have him over. You need to set boundaries.
  1. You and ex seem to spend a lot of time texting each other your every move.
  1. Send DC to school on Friday, clothes etc. all packed in advance, send a text to ex 'kids have everything they need, please don't text me this weekend unless it is a medical emergency, see you at 4pm on Sunday'
rainingcatsanddog · 17/06/2018 20:31

How old are the school children? My son has been packing a bag to go their Dads since y1 without help. (He has a list in his room)

As a pp said establish some boundaries. Why is he spending so much time in your house? You need to decline his offers of "help" Why do you need to tell each other what you're up to?

Why would you send them every weekend if he hasn't got a proper place to stay? Every weekend is a pretty big commitment even if you have a decent sized house.

I think you need to ask your ex to come up with a realistic contact schedule and that you won't be available then. Even if it's a few hours EOW it needs to be clear that he is responsible 100% and your home can't be the venue for contact. Boundaries!!

RedHelenB · 17/06/2018 20:35

No wonder they want to sleep at home if there are 5 of them in a 1 bed flat!

LokiBear · 17/06/2018 20:40

There are no hard and fast rules for how you conduct contact. If a day out with no overnights works better for you both then do it. Could he parent in other ways? For example, come over and cook the tea on a school night, make sure the homework gets done etc whilst you do something else out of the house? The kids are going to hate spending a weekend in a tiny flat. But there is more to spending time with his kids than putting them to be overnight.

Butterflyrosebud · 17/06/2018 20:40

Why does your ex spend so much time at your house? It sounds like an odd dynamic.

I agree a few hours on a Saturday/ Sunday would be better. A 1 bed flat isn’t appropriate for 4 children anyway. Is this something that he can change?

Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 20:45

I'm actually laughing at the people saying my kids think I don't want them. They love me to pieces and kbow how much I love them. We have a fantastic relationship and they know I want them. I'm their mother. I've never ONCE said in front of them I don't want them here. I've had an exhausting week with a D&V bug thrown in and I was up at 7am yesterday due to an appointment so me saying to DH in the kitchen quietly that I want a lie does not in any way equate to my kids thinking I don't want them

It's absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 20:47

My ex is my best friend tbh. We don't have a bad relationship, we do see a lot of each other because we are friends but I think this had led to the situation as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShitOnItBobble · 17/06/2018 20:48

I'm going to ask for fortnightly visits instead of weekly.

Thanks for the advice.

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