This is a long story but I wanted some opinions.Becoming a parent has made me see things in a different light and realise that maybe things aren't so black and white.
My relationship with my father sucks. It's not terrible but not great either (I am aware I could be in a far worse position). But I'm starting to wonder is this partly my fault and have I been telling myself a story to justify my feelings and actions? We speak at Christmas and birthdays. We send each other cards. The only other time my father speaks to me is when someone has died. Not great.
Background:
Parents split when I was 7. Dad had an affair (quite publicly in front of church members and in front of my Mother - very embarrassing for her). He was abusive. Verbally and physically. Though not toward me. Just other members of the house. The things we had to witness and endure were awful and certainly not a good environment for children. I have never had an explanation or an apology. Dad is not a communicative person.
I loved my Dad... so much so that when my parents split, I cried every night. We used to phone each other during the week and see each other on Sundays.
Sundays however, consisted of visiting him at his girlfriend's and kids. Dad would watch TV whilst I went out and played. Holidays were the same.
Musical family too. I play the piano and sing. As does my Dad but he never paid for a single lesson or encouraged me into it. My grandparents did all that.
Wasn't supportive of my mum putting me in private school despite it being a brilliant education.
Barely contributed a penny. Child maintenance £17.55 a week back then. Like getting a blood out of a stone if I needed more for uniforms etc.
As time went on I became very resentful of the fact that OWs kids got to spend more time with him than I did. A natural thing to feel, I think. I made a mistake though. A stupid, misguided mistake. I stole something. I think it was a chain and a top from one of the kids. But I was so, so ashamed that when my Dad asked me if I knew where they were, I lied and then didn't want to visit anymore. On top of that the OWs kids knew and would openly accuse me of it. Another reason not to visit.
It is NOT something I'm proud of. Learnt some lessons from it though. I was 12 at the time.
For a long time, I have resented the fact that I always have to make comms with my Dad. He would rarely phone me. He would have to be nagged to coming to my concerts to support me. He would rarely help out. My mum a d stpedad did all the schlepping to uni and back. And I resented the fact that he was more of a father to them than me. Like he had a new family now and I was an inconvenient reminder of the fact that he was married before.
My question now is... was maybe my Dad too hurt by my actions? That I suddenly didn't want to see him anymore? So much so that he didnt want to bother with me anymore? Or am I justified in my years of resentment?
I have now accepted that my father and I have this sorry excuse for a relationship. I don't dwell in the resentment anymore. It is what it is. But sometimes I wonder if it is what it is because of what I did?
What do you think? Dad's particularly I would like to know your opinion. Surely one teenage mistake doesn't warrant barely talking to your daughter any more?