I'm sorry this might be long. I try to keep it as short and on point as possible.
Huh, this is hard. So me and my partner have been together for some time now-almost 4 years. I love him and truly do but recently my trust is questionable. It's gut feeling. Here are the facts :
My partner is lovely. He's very hardworking, down to earth, realible and caring person. He's fun too we have lots of fun an good banter. I think he's great. In bed he is very generous too 😳 Which I didn't really experience with some of my previous partners. Altogether he's a great guy but sometimes I find it very difficult to communicate. We haven't really talked about our future, and i noticed that it takes him a long time to commit /make decisions/ to new jobs or other big life questions (not related to me)
That's probably the only thing I can find wrong about him.
Myself:
I'm totally fucked up. It goes back to my childhood. Rough memories from back then. Relationship with my family is shit, I tried to hold it together but with a controlling mother and a troubled sister it has been hell and eventually I started cutting contact as I really couldn't cope any longer. I don't have friends, struggling to find people with similar interests and even if I do they just don't seem to last. I'm working hard on myself. I'm working on my future tho. Planning changing career path and challenge myself.
I also have very low self esteem.
I have a lot of time on my hands though and I feel like I might have been overthinking a situation here which is the following:
I don't know if my partner is cheating on me. Yup, I genuinely don't know.
I don't think he does . I don't think he's the type of person who would cheat. Also he has a friend whose wife cheated on him. I remember how disgusted my partner was and upset (he is a very good friend of his)
I also don't know when he'd have the time to cheat. He works his socks off and when he doesn't we spend most of our time together. Known him for 4 years and we have been through so much I can't believe he'd cheat.
Now here is the rough part. I discovered he was on an adult website. I confronted him and he said he just likes to look as it's more real than porn.
I myself watch porn and I'm so not bothered if he does but that website crossed a line. I did look on there and I agree with him on the fact that it is more real than porn. It's raw and as much as I'm ashamed some bits can be a turn on. When I looked at his profile it was very plain. No photos l, no verifications that he met anyone nothing really.
The other thing I find odd about him is how he doesn't like me to look in his phone. I mean I get it I wouldn't want him to go on my phone and he never does. The truth is I am nosey and I don't like myself for it but I have so many questions and as I said he's so hard to communicate with him and that triggers my overthinking off and we are back to square one. Nosiness is probably my only 'quality ' I truly hate and I don't want to do it. I do want to stop being nosey and questioning our relationships I want to talk to him. But how? How do I start it when he's so difficult to speak to?
I want to clarify things. I want to be honest and I want him to be honest. And I don't want to fight. I think communication is so crucial in a relationship and I need to stop OVERTHINKING.