To think its OK for dc to see problematic difficult pils for a few times a year..

[Ohsuchaperfectday]

They are difficult but I think seeing pils for either a day out - or - all day at their house a few times a year won't damage DC.

I think older DD has a good strong sense of things now, and has herself mentioned Mils comment of - for instance.."we don't have play stuff here for you because we don't see you enough" is a bad thing to say.

Mil has traipsed over all sorts of boundaries in the past - we have had so many ups and downs and low contact and more contact but we are back to low contact again now. Lots of reasons but over all they don't value or seem to care about DH, Mil only cares how much he loves her. When I met DH he was struggling with his DP. They are very controlling, fil is also madly controlling BUT makes more effort to be smooth than mil does. In fact when a poster on here said on a thread - google "grey rock " and narcissist I realised its what DH did to minimse himself from Mil at least. Whether fil is also one I'm not sure he just seems to do anything to please her. DH would never say personal comments, everything he said was neutral...and I know why now.

I personally strongly dislike the way the way they operate, and their values. DH would never go home to just relax, or hang out. The atmosphere is not conducive to that. They are not violent or drug addicts but seeing dc more regularly I think at their current ages would be problematic to me. If they tried for example to take us to court for more access I would fight them tooth and nail.
However, in short doses the DC like going ( anything more regular they start to really protest) and the pils are on best behaviour to see them.

However, would anyone disagree that seeing the dc for days out or all day a few times a year would be fine. They saw dc with us at xmas, ( which was not fun and probably wont be repeated) then alone all day, on day out in March, one will probably go there all day in June then both again in August for a day /day out,.....after that maybe once more before xmas.

Personally I never saw GP more than that and never alone, pils always want hours alone with dc. Older DD is not keen to go and younger would rather she went....younger has always got on better there than older and I dont see why I should force older.

Personally I dont feel they can do much damage on those sort of time limits.....within very full active lives meeting all sorts of people, lots of friends over here and sleep overs...

But what are the issues? Difficult to offer opinions when you don’t say what the problems are.

Its more of a gently boiling Frog situation I think than dc being exposed to outright bad behavior, but MIl treating her things more importantly than people in her life, its pretty extreme as in - it would be amazing to be in her space without some reference to " Don't wipe that on my...don't sit on my" etc, very negative, treats DH vastly differently to SIL who I also cant bear. They dont respect or seem to like DH he is the runt.

Its all very superficial and shallow there. They are obsessed by money and doing well. Its lots more and they have not been nice to us BUT its not stuff I dont think would affect dc in short visits spaced out.

Lots of tension and things that are not said. Having GC for mil is to cook and be treated like a queen for cooking, mil is the best thing ever - must be adored and praised and then she will go and watch tv.

Its all about mil feeding her with praise.

From the OP's first post

Personally I never saw GP more than that and never alone

It would seem normal if you didn't see your own GP very often - do your DC not see your own parents very much either, do you live close to your own family or your in-laws?

OP, you do seem to be reading a lot into your in-laws actions. There's a lot of analysis there!

Yes lots of analysis I have never had experience like this before (well before I met them) it's kept me sane, we have also had dip in and out counselling over them.

If things have been to the point you have needed to see someone regarding them I would be keeping my dc away tbh.
You need professional help to deal with them yet you leave your precious dc at their mercy!!

We do keep them away this is what I mean.. A few days a year.. In busy life meeting lots of other people.. Etc.
They hound us to seek them out, turned up at random school stuff, Mil has even driven by school at pick up and we get enormous pressure from wider family. We have really retreated... But it's still hard they are so pushy.

I think what you're suggesting is fine. The DC will be able to spend enough time with their grandparents to know that they aren't missing out on anything by not seeing them often, IYSWIM.

My MIL doesn't do anything too damaging to my DC but does tend to be emotionally stunted. For example, if a DC disagrees with her she'll take herself to her room and sit in her bed and have a cry and wait for the DC to go looking for her and tell her they were wrong and comfort her. She will take a DC out shopping for their birthday and DC will always come back with at least one thing they really didn't want but she insisted on. She makes bitchy comments about strangers when in public and is always louder the man she realises.

As the DC get older they see through it all and it's become a bit of a running joke in the house. She has a pretty superficial relationship with my DC and the older ones don't have any interest in seeing her - they just grit their teeth and endure her. They joke that when they go to her house they only have to spend 5 minutes with her anyway as she's usually busy on the phone or with some trivial housework that could easily have waited. The younger ones still enjoy seeing her but will comment on how silly she behaved while with them.

I feel that if my DC spent heaps of time with MIL she'd probably screw them up but in smaller doses they've not been affected by her; when she does make stupid comments (like telling my 14yo girl that her shoes don't go well with her dress and she needs to go change) then the DC don't actually value her opinion enough for it to affect her and have spent enough time with her to know that they can disregard her comments because she's a little unhinged. When I asked 14yo if we should invite all grandparents to her dance concert she said my mum and dad could come but no way could MIL come because "she will just spend the whole time telling you that one girl's legs are too short and another girl is too tall and one is too fat for her costume and another is probably sad because her boobs are so big and she must get teased at school for that." And DD is not wrong - she would probably have said all that stuff and more!

So I think days here and there are fine and not damaging. It will be just enough for them to see what PIL are actually like.