To think 'MIL' shouldn't have said that

[LavenderGarden]

I'm genuinely wondering if I am overreacting or not.

Me and my partner are not married. I'm not from the UK and English is not my first language. I think I'm doing okay with the language tho given the fact that I have been living here for 6 years and my partner is a native English speaker. I know I make mistakes but trying my very best.

Anyway so as I said my partner and his family are native English speakers but my parents don't speak a word of English. My mother language is very difficult, my partner knows a couple of words but that's it.

So sorry I feel like it's getting really long now so I try to get to the point.
I heard my partner chatting to his mum and he was telling her that my parents are coming over to visit us(he's never met them) and she asked him if my parents speak English and he said no. Then she asked (tad bit sarcastically) if he speaks any of my native language and of course he said no. After this she just asked how on earth will he communicate with them?! I think my 'MIL' is nice normally, sometimes she makes sarcastic comments but I try to get on with her but this kind of hurt a bit.

I mean they are my parents and I wanted them to meet my partner and it is what it is.
It made me feel awful though. I mean yes they can't speak the language but we are a couple and I would like to have good relationship with both families. I feel like with that comment she made my parents 'worth' less

Ignorant and rude. Plenty of ways to enjoy each other's company, a meal, a walk, music. Yes op should try to learn, otherwise you will forever be piggy in the middle.

Is it not too much to expect from my partner to learn the language?

It's not too much to expect that he would make the effort. I would think that any partner who wanted to be part of your life long-term would want to learn your first language. So he definitely should be trying. However, it may well be that he never gets very fluent, especially if it is a 'difficult' language for an English speaker to learn.

My sister's fiancé speaks a foreign language as his first language. My sister has spent their entire relationship trying to learn it (had lessons, studied with books, CDS, used apps, spoke to him ...) but still only knows a few words. They've been together for several years. She just isn't very gifted with languages. Otoh, other people in our family have also tried to learn it so that we can talk to his family, and some of us have got on better. None of us are fluent but I could hold a basic conversation and if I practised more I'd get fluent. It's just different talents and skills between people.

So I think it's reasonable for your parents and partner to try to learn each other's languages, but it may well be that they're still not going to be able to have heart-to-hearts without you to interpret.

it sounds more like she was admonishing her son for not bothering so unless there is a backstory...

Even when trying to contort the various meanings and inflections behind her comment I cannot see how it means she (your MiL) is inferring that your parents are less 'worthy'. I think you need to take a few deep breaths and let it go - you'd also do well to stop eavesdropping on your partner's conversations with his mother.

I appreciate that some people have a more natural aptitude for languages than others, but it's only in Anglophone countries that people seem content to accept this. In most countries of the world, if you want to progress in academic study or to any level of seniority in a profession then you have to learn a second language to a decent standard. It's considered no different to being functionally literature and numerate.

Unfortunately there is a certain cultural arrogance amongst a lot of Britons that they don't need to learn another language because everyone speaks English. Perhaps your DP should consider how he'll feel if your future children are able to converse in a language that he can't understand.

It seems to me that some people on MN try hard to find something objectionable about their MIL to post about. Like trying to join a club.
Often the objection is tenuous, as it would seem to be here.

I’m guessing that you feel your MIL is implying why/what is the point of your parents visiting? If that’s the case then yes she’s being unreasonable, obviously they’ll want to see their daughter/you, your home and your partner.

I think the criticism you felt was a mum to her son, (he should learn the language) not about your parents.

OP, I've read your post several times and I really can't see any criticism of your family, or that your MIL is looking down on them. I think this is right:
I think the criticism you felt was a mum to her son, (he should learn the language) not about your parents.
After all, they can't speak English and her son can't speak your language so that makes them equal.

I think it's poor that he hasn't made more effort to learn your language, but to be fair to him it's much easier to learn any language when you live in the country and are surrounded by people speaking it, as you have been in the UK.

It depends if you think she would rather he wasn't with you and/or was pointing out that it will be awkward, in a "That's what you get for not finding a nice English girl" way, but we have no back story to go on.

Another vote here for your MIL just asking a reasonable question - obviously we can't hear the 'tone' but on the face of it, you've nothing to worry about.

My DH didn't learn his mother's language (she's from another culture and simply never taught it to him in the UK) and he had the same situation with his maternal grandparents. He loved them to bits but was never able to hold any kind of conversation - I thought this was such a shame but they managed to build a loving relationship without words!

As I'm sure you've discovered, as a nation the English aren't that good at learning languages, and not that good at non-verbal communication, gestures and so on.

What a load of offensive, generalised bollocks. Do you have facts to back up your groundless statement?

I’m guessing that you feel your MIL is implying why/what is the point of your parents visiting? If that’s the case then yes she’s being unreasonable, obviously they’ll want to see their daughter/you, your home and your partner.

I agree with thatwould

Dp and my mum (and dad when still alive) don't have a language in common. They get on brilliantly, helped by the fact that I do the translating.

Of course I do a lot of the translating but it's so tiring and sometimes I'm scared to leave the room to go to the toilet. It puts so much pressure on me. I don't get on with my mother and had a rubbish childhood. I honesty just want to get on with everyone both my partners and my family but it's been so hard keeping it together. I feel like my 'MIL' and the rest of my partners family accept me but no I don't think they like me.
My mother was the most controlling person I'd ever known. She is bloody hard work but I just want all of us to get on to the a degree. Obviously this can't happen if I'm nervous of leaving the room or thinking that my partners family thinks it's pointless to even try to build some sort of a relationship between my partners and parents and they can't communicate.

Sorry I hope this makes sense. There is so much on my mind.

OP, from your description of your childhood I suspect that you've never felt particularly worthy of parental love and affection, never having received enough of it.

I'm not saying it's the case, but please don't project your mother's motivations onto your MIL, or see rejection where there is none. I self-sabotaged for years following rejection from my own mother and it took a long time to trust that others loved me without fearing that something would happen to take it away.

I'd keep your own DM at arm's length and embrace your new family if I were you. At the very least you've got a fresh start with them! Good luck