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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 yr old wants to hang out in town

32 replies

babyface · 16/06/2018 13:58

What's reasonable? We live near (2miles) a small town. Dss wants to cycle in to hang around with 'friends' (Not from his school.. not sure exactly who but around his age ). What age do you let them head off and what info/ rules do you ask for? Said no and it didn't go down well!

OP posts:
Malbecfan · 16/06/2018 14:01

Why not allow him to go for a short time - say 90 minutes to 2 hours. If he arrives back within your deadline (or calls/texts if there is a problem), then consider extending this. I would communicate this to him: if you prove you can be trusted to be sensible and stick to a deadline, we'll consider allowing you to spend longer next time. My DDs were definitely allowed out in the city centre for longer than this as long as they were with friends and had their phones on them.

Hoppinggreen · 16/06/2018 14:03

I drop my 13 year old dd off in Town, make sure she has found her friends ( who I know) and then either potter off to do some shopping myself or come home and wait for a call to ask for pick up or to say someone else’s mum is picking up. We live quite close
This is what I’m comfortable with and she’s happy too

Dvg · 16/06/2018 14:05

I think the bigger problem here is you not knowing who... I think 13 years old is fine for a few hours in town but i wouldnt be happy if the only details i knew was that they are friends .. that could be anyone for example are they friends from online? how has he met them? are you sure they are his age etc

MeyYael · 16/06/2018 14:10

I did this when I was that age...

Had a strict deadline / time to be home and my parents wanted to know who I was meeting (or whether we had plans).

A categoric 'no' seems a bit OTT to me personally.

Original poster
babyface · 16/06/2018 14:11

He was allowed to cycle in to meet up with friends from school and has met other kids whilst with them. Today none of his school friends are in town (it's a small school! ) but he wants to go in anyway. Both I and dp feel uncomfortable with him hanging around town with people we don't know but according to dss we are very unreasonable?

OP posts:
QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 16/06/2018 14:13

Sounds a normal thing for a 13yo to do. I might want to know a bit more about these friends, if they're not school friends. How/where did he meet them?

No mobile phones in my day. I just said to my mum 'I'm going to meet xxxx' and went and she saw me when she saw me. No dropping off or picking up, either. Everywhere I wanted to go was walking distance or accessible by bus, and in fact it was made clear to us that we weren't to expect our dad to run round after us at weekends. If we wanted to go somewhere, we got ourselves there and back, or we didn't go.

MeyYael · 16/06/2018 14:15

Both I and dp feel uncomfortable with him hanging around town with people we don't know but according to dss we are very unreasonable?

Not unreasonable. But next time he'll probably simply claim he's meeting friends from school...

Is he genuinely unwilling to tell you where he met these people / how he knows them? Who they are, how old they are etc?

Original poster
babyface · 16/06/2018 14:37

I agree, MeyYael! I think we are so fazed as usually he is unsociable.. He was ment to be going to his cousins today (no major plans, just to play as they had a sleepover here last night. He is the oldest by 2 years) but instead demanded to go to town

OP posts:
Stillwishihadabs · 16/06/2018 14:42

For context DS is 14, DD is nearly 12 they are only allowed if I know;
what they are doing
Who is going to be there
What time they will be home

Otherwise no potatoes

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/06/2018 14:43

I was expecting to come on this thread and say YABU but I've got mixed feels especially since you don't know who he's meeting, he's not normally sociable and has cancelled plans and is demanding to meet people you don't know.

That would concern me and tbh I think I'd say no or I'd go with him and say I have to meet them first.

mrsm43s · 16/06/2018 15:12

No problem with hanging out in town/going round the shops with school friends, or other friends of his that you know, that's totally age appropriate behaviour.

Big problem with him hanging out with friends you don't know, don't know where he met them etc.

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 16/06/2018 15:19

DS is 14, DD is nearly 12 they are only allowed if I know;
what they are doing
Who is going to be there
What time they will be home

How does the 14yo feel about being treated the same as an 11yo?

When I was 13/14, sometimes we wouldn't decide what to do until we'd met up. Or I'd go round to a friend's house and we'd decide to go and call for another friend. And you might be invited to stay for tea, or you might not be. All perfectly above board, but I wouldn't have been able to meet your conditions.

BlueBug45 · 16/06/2018 15:26

You need to know who they are first and keep this rule even if they are from school. That way if he decides to lie next time and say it is "Dave from school" you can phone up Dave from school's parents and confirm it.

BTW I use to lie about where I was going as a young teen not who I was hanging out with.

Stillwishihadabs · 16/06/2018 15:32

TBH 14 year old is much better than 11y with this. Going round to friends' houses is of course absolutely fine, I thought this thread was about "hanging out " in town. Completely different to me. I do t treat them the same for example Ds is allowed to take the train to visit his cousins/grandparents alone (1 and a half hours with a change) Dd is not. DS is also allowed to do unknown journeys alone, I wouldn't let Dd. But open ended hanging out with an unknown cast list to me = risky behaviour (sex, drugs,alcohol) so not allowed.

KittyHawke80 · 16/06/2018 15:34

I actually don’t like the sound of it. An ordinarily unsociable boy is suddenly eager to bin off a plan to go to his cousin’s house, to go to town to meet vaguely nebulous ‘friends’ of whom you know nothing. I can tell you I wouldn’t be letting my son go.

Original poster
babyface · 16/06/2018 15:46

Yes the issue is definitely the 'hanging around' part.. We just happened to hear that the kids we know are off doing something else. I think I will listen to the sixth sense telling me it doesn't quite sound right!

OP posts:
KittyHawke80 · 16/06/2018 16:36

I’m not an alarmist: I think there’s always been evil under the sun, and I’m not even particularly sure that out children are substantially more at risk than they were in the ‘good old days’. But then I think of things like Breck Brednar, and of a child only a few miles from me, who got involved in that bloody ‘county lines’ business when he was only just 13. So I’m very, very careful about things like this.

MeyYael · 16/06/2018 16:44

Maybe he just made friends and things are completely above board.

Or maybe they aren't.

Couldn't you tell him to have some of these people over for ... Idk, playing video games and pizza?
Or meet them at the local swimming pool, cinema etc...?

Just 'hanging' out with completely 'new' people does sound like it could be something potentially harmful.

Especially because he usually isn't a particularly social boy.

MissP103 · 16/06/2018 16:47

Yanbu op. If you dont know who these people are how do you know if they are good people and your son is safe. Hes not an adult that doesnt need to be questioned. Hes a child and if your gut feel is against it then dont allow him.

DickTERFin · 16/06/2018 16:59

Spidey senses say no.

It’s the vaguery that is suspect. If it were my son I would only agree to this if I could come into town too. Drop him off to meet the new “friend” briefly and then leave them to fanny about for an hour or so until meeting up at a specified time/place to go home.

I would not let him cycle off to god knows where to meet god knows who. A bit of freedom is good at this age but it needs to be tempered with caution - teens are not known for their excellent decision making skills, even the sensible ones.

AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 17:21

Agree the vagueness is worrying. I have a 13 year old who has met friends from other schools but it's through current school-friends whose parents know the parents of the new friends...iyswim.

Mine is a girl but her group is made up of boys and girls who meet in town to do something specific...cinema or laser quest for eg.

"hanging around" sounds like trouble to me

GrannyGrissle · 16/06/2018 17:37

Had no idea about the Breck Brednar case (just googled) His killer was described as a 'Baby faced killer' on Wikipedia. Given your user name OP that gave me the goosebumps.

lljkk · 16/06/2018 18:12

"Don't do anything that will embarrass either of us" would be my mantra & let him go to town.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 16/06/2018 18:13

I think that sounds like a totally normal 13 year old thing to do. I would not have any issue with this at all.

OublietteBravo · 16/06/2018 18:18

My 13 year old DD has been hanging out with her friends for most of the day. They’ve been into town and up to the park. They’re currently making a mess pancakes in the kitchen. At some point soon we’ll doubtless be pressed into service to return her friends to their parents (we live v. close to town, so they always end up round here). I think this is totally normal behaviour for the age group.