Ds2 and cousin on spectrum

[Anditstartsagain]

I didn't know how to title without being weird and cryptic.

My kids are 6 and 1 (almost 2) they have a cousin who is 8 and on the spectrum he has significant social issues. When ds1 and cousin were little no problems ds1 knew to give him allowances however cousin hates ds2 likes to hit kick punch and shout at him. I think it's because ds2 doesn't do as cousin tells him.

I've always tried to keep ds2 away so far however now I've had to leave 4 family partys due to ds2 being hit. Today we were at a 60th lunch ds2 was kicked tripped up then while I held him punched on the side cousin doesn't hit the older children who are all 6+ just ds2 and will seek him out to hurt him. I understand that cousin doesn't like him but feel it's unfair that we have to leave everytime. Parents say thats not nice but nothing else to be fair not much else they could do but leave.

Aibu to think they should leave sometimes if cousin is hurting our toddler? I was happy to leave when it was cousins grandma's birthday since they are closer but other times I feel its not fair.

I admit my judgement is clouded seeing my baby punched and nothing being said was hard.

Additional needs or not, an 8 year old should not be allowed to hit a one year old.

If the cousin is unable to understand that it's not allowed them his parents need to prevent it happening.

I had this with friends DD who has Downs Syndrome she used to deliberately seek out our youngest (3 years younger) and hurt her and I ended up having to police it whilst they chilled

Stopped socialising in the same circle in the end.

DS2 is 4 and undergoing assessment for asd. He will lash out and also become very aggressive during meltdowns, and even though he cannot help his issues, I would not be standing by while he was hitting someone. In fact, we would be the ones leaving, not letting someone else feel they had to go.

I would ask the parents repeatedly and in front of everybody to please prevent their DC from hitting yours. If they need to physically stand between them then so be it.

Whose sibling is the cousins parent? The siblings should be sorting it out so no one feels alienated from every family gathering.

its the parents responsibility my son has autism and learning disabilities hes 8 but functions around 2 or 3 he can lash out but i dont let him and when other childden are around im ultra aware.

I have three (now adult) dc on the spectrum. Two of them hit when they were frightened or didn't understand what was an appropriate response to getting their own way. It had stopped by year three. Completely unacceptable. This comes down to their lazy parenting. Shrugging their shoulders and saying 'well they're on the spectrum' is not good enough. I accept that it can be impossible for some parents to prevent their children from lashing out, but more of an effort seems to be required here.

The child is probably struggling in that social situation and his parents either need to find find ways of him coping with it or cut those sort of situations short.
You can absolutely say something directly to the cousin if his parents are doing nothing. He also may be targeting a younger child because he doesn't know how to play with the older ones.

It's impossible for any of us to say whether his autism is of a nature where he could eventually stop this with the right tactics, or whether no matter what he won't ever be able to fully control it.

Either way, whilst his autism might be the reason as to why he does it, it doesn't excuse whoever is supervising him at the time for allowing other dc to be hurt, even if the only thing they can do is be a physical barrier between him and your ds2.

I’m not sure they should leave but they shouldn’t be letting it get to the point where your children are being hurt.

It’s two separate issues, autism, and their lazy parenting.

DS1 would lash out, a lot, as a smaller child and I was like a meerkat trying to keep him from hurting other children but also allowing him to be part of social occasions.

So there’s no excuse for just sitting on their arses ignoring it.

What you describe doesn't sound like lashing out in a moment of distress but more like doing something that gives a predictable response in an unpredictable situation coupled with poor social skills.

exactly@TheHogFather my son is severly autistic and whilst its not his fault as he doesnt have the cognition to understsnd its wrong i would remove him from the situation asap.

What you describe doesn't sound like lashing out in a moment of distress but more like doing something that gives a predictable response in an unpredictable situation coupled with poor social skills

I fully agree with this.

Thank you all.

I do not blame the cousin it's actually dps cousin though as ages with our kids so the mum is dp's aunt. We were quite close and I am very fond of cousin however it's got to a point I feel I need to avoid. If I say anything they tend to apologise followed by but he can't help it I do agree he can't help it ds2 doesn't give him the allowances he's used to then crys when hurt so which then upsets cousin even more.

It's really shitty all round but generally life is easier for us as a family than them so I feel bad adding to their full plate by complaining. The mums very touchy just now becausr the school have said he needs more rules and consequences but she doesn't agree, us saying anything could go all wrong.

If the school are saying he needs more consequences then I would say she is not parenting him and using his condition as an excuse not to reprimand his bad behaviour. I could not leave it go if an 8 year old was purposely hurting a 1 year old baby and would expect the rest of the family to be telling her to do something about it. The 8 year old still needs boundaries and support regardless of his special needs

but he can't help it

As the autistic mother of 3 autistic children this phrase makes me want to fucking scream! Maybe he can’t (some can, some can’t) but they fucking can! It’s not a carte blanche to abdicate yourself from parenting ffs.

And it’s really, really, really unhelpful to autistic people when this shite is trotted out by lazy parents who can’t be arsed. All it does is fuel stereotypes.

If ds2 is under 2, how come he's roaming far enough from you at someone else's house to get hit? Toddlers need supervising!

Especially when you know that the older cousin isn't good at coping and is prone to hitting.

If ds2 is under 2, how come he's roaming far enough from you at someone else's house to get hit? Toddlers need supervising!

I would probably have s word with the parents but having a child with severe ASD myself, it can be bloody hard and it's not as easy as some people think it might be behaviour wise.

but I agree with PP, I would not leave my toddler unsupervised. that's half the battle won for now.

DS2 was hit while being held by the OP. Where does it suggest that he isn’t being supervised?

Who said op isn't supervising her ds? In a safe environment she shouldn't need to be next to him every minute, I imagine like most parents she/ her dp are watching him. It's not unusual to allow a toddler to be across the room from you provided you can see them. But given op has stated he was punched whilst she held him it isn't going to solve anything if she does stay beside him.

What is needed is for someone to shadow the cousin, perhaps all the family adults including his parents could take it in turn at gatherings to be on hand to get between him and your ds.

Sounds like they need to do some parenting tbh.

My son can lash out at other kids so either me or DH or his nan shadow him at all times. Makes gatherings a bit stressful and I have to decline some things if they are not suitable but that's life.

Could DH's mum have a word with cousin's mum about the need for closer supervision of the boy? Not sure how your family dynamic works, but this would be the best way to tackle it in our family. Maybe grandparents could help deflect the boy from your DS, as well as the parents. It does sound like the parents are not doing enough, and it's not fair that you guys are always being the ones to leave. It's also not fair to the boy himself, as opportunities to help him learn appropriate social skills are being missed, by the sounds of it.