A bit of background.
I live 3 hours away from my parents. My sister lives about 20 mins from them.
She's a single parent of 3. My parents have supported her financially, ( and babysit on school days) she gets money from the kids dad and tax credits etc so whilst she only has a part time job she has no rent or mortgage (the house is fully paid for) and can keep things ticking over. I have 2 kids, both from our other sister who died 10 years ago. They are both autistic. I am married but my oh had depression and has been out of work 11 months in the last 2 years. I can keep things ticking over, old cars, no hols but I manage. As long as I keep working. I've also given my sis 100s of pounds when she's needed a hand, and taken her youngest away with us a few times to give her a break. I visit at least every couple of months and she has come to visit me 2 or possibly 3 times in the last 30 years. This is ok with me.
So our mum is very ill in hospital near my sister. I have only visited three times in nearly 2 weeks, she has gone every day and has been very stressed about it. I call and text mum but haven't called my sis much as generally she doesn't answer. She is also keeping an eye on Dad who is disabled and as mad as a box of frogs. However he seems to be coping, certainly the house is cleaner now than when mum was at home and he's doing hoovering etc. By himself.
So there has been little news from the docs as more tests were needed, until today. She needs a big op, very risky. It might happen next week or the week after. I was going to visit her tomorrow anyway but my youngest she's 11 is in a mess, had a huge meltdown yesterday attacked me, trashed the house, and there's no way I can risk driving her down 3 hours in the car, so oh had gone with our eldest.
My sister has been really upset with me, I have done nothing, I don't call, I have left her to deal with everything on her own. Should mum survive the op she'll be in intensive care and will then need looking after for a few months. She wants me to stop being selfish and come look after dad. She is talking about giving up work and I should do this too.
I can do bits and pieces, and drive back and forth, but I have 3 other people living off me. The kids have to go to school - I can't bring them with me. If I stop work then that's that.
My mother in law had a similar op last year, was much much sicker and unfortunately died. My best mate had a similar op, and lived. I know it's s huge op and she'll need a lot of tlc. But my dad can actually cope without her, if he can't then he can move up here to me or we can get carers in. I can work from home or in another office closer but that still doesn't help with keeping the kids in school.
I know she's very upset but I am really gutted that she thinks I am so selfish.