To be pissed off with DP over these conversations

[feelingannoyedwiththem]

A few months ago a woman joined the company DP works for. He said they get on really well and that she's good fun and attractive. I was fine with this as I get on with most of my colleagues. However he has mentioned some of their conversations and they seem to be overly intimate. She confides details of her relationship with her fiance and says she's unsure about moving in with him and that he's much keener than she is. She said also she finds the sport that her fiance plays very boring. She also told DP recently that her ex (who is married!) has been back in touch with her and wants to rekindle things and she's now in a quandary as she was very keen on her ex. Personally I think she's over confiding in DP and that he should tell her this. I think her conversation signals to my DP that she's not averse to having affairs with people who are already in relationships. AIBU to tell him that he should keep conversations more neutral or am I over reacting and is it ok for her to talk to my DP about such personal stuff. So as not to drip feed, I've met her and she's very flirty around men. DP is a good looking man and we have been together nearly 12 years and have one DS. He's never previously done anything to cause me concern.

Why would your DH be saying another woman is attractive? I would be more annoyed about that than about the fact that they appear to be friends. Friends do talk about these things. Friends don't tell their wives and husbands that they find one another attractive.

If you DP is fine with her confiding in him I don't see the issue. Only your own insecurity. Sorry, just from what you've said in your OP I would say you are being unreasonable.

Why wouldn't you say someone is attractive? If it's just a fact? Doesn't mean the DP wants to have an affair with her.

She is over confiding but for all you know she does that with everyone including women. Some people are just more like that I know all my staff’s personal dramas (whether I want to or not).
I think if you had anything to be worried about with regards to your DH he wouldn’t volunteer the details of these conversations. If his done nothing then you should let him make his own decisions about his work friendships.

Java Java I guess I thought perhaps she was telling him about her having an ex who was married to signal to my DP that she's ok with having affairs with people in relationships. I read about the definition of an emotional affair and one of the things cited was the sharing of relationships details especially saying negative things about one's partner.

Thanks gamerwidow - that sounds very reasonable and reassuring.

I don't see anything wrong with saying that someone is attractive if it's true. It would be stranger to deny it.
I don't think you should start telling DP what he can or cannot talk about.

Yeah it sounds like she's gotten very close to your DH very fast and I can see that would be annoying. If she's very flirty she's probably great at making men feel good around her and that their opinion is important to her.

She sounds attention seeking more than anything.

You on the other hand sound very chilled out and like you have a great relationship if your DH doesn't think twice on commenting how his new colleague is attractive.

My advice would be not to ruin that dynamic between you both by dictating how he responds to her. I suspect he will get bored listening to her droning on about her personal life and distance himself naturally. She sounds annoying frankly and the novelty will wear off for him.

I would find it concerning, intimate conversations should be between people who are intimate, i.e. you and him not him and her.

Katgurl yes she seems to be very self centred and attention seeking. When DP introduced us at a staff party she talked about herself incessantly and didn't ask me a single question. She also boasted a lot. Personally I feel she is slightly over stepping the mark and DP is too nice to tell her. He did say that he tries to change the subject when she talks about very personal stuff.

Why would your DH be saying another woman is attractive?

What sort of insecure Stepford Wives world do you live in where that's a threat?

busybarbara

How unbelievably rude you are. Why do you think that's a reasonable way to talk to a stranger?

clownfaces

There is a difference between someone saying to their husband, "Is she attractive?", him saying, "I suppose she is, yes," and the husband saying to his wife, "I'm working with a new female colleague, she's attractive."

I wouldn't mind the first, I definitely would mind the second.

JavaJava

It's just my view. I don't tell my DH other men are attractive because I believe it's disrespectful. Different if he asks.

She sounds very self-absorbed, but that said although I would find it uncomfortable that she is having such conversations with my husband, I would be relieved that he was sharing it with me. If he suddenly stops mentioning her then I’d be more concerned.

Having said all of that, I used to be awful for being an over-sharer, but I have trained myself not to be. I would hate to think I had made anybody think I was interested in their spouse. I certainly never was.

@busybarbara loads of women wouldn't like to hear remarks like this. Fine if you're not one of them but it's not unusual for people to keep those conversations or observations for anyone but their partners.

Back to op - god she sounds loathsome. I can't stand people who talk relentlessly about themselves constantly.

I would box clever here. Your partner will get bored. Give her enough rope to hang herself. Much better than making the topic of her an awkward one - he might not want to mention her and you will be left wondering if they are still as friendly. It really sounds like you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Katgurl yes she does talk relentlessly about herself and her fitness regime and her son and how good at her job she is. I think the whole situation isn't helped by the fact that I don't like her but DP thinks she's good fun and he hasn't really noticed how self obsessed she is or how boastful she is (although that said I don't think she boasts to him - she just did it to me!)

I think the fact that he's happily relaying it all back to you means that right now he see's it as simply a friendly colleague offloading.

If i were you OP i'd continue to listen and be interested. Maybe ask a few questions and see if he's done the same. See if it's a two way thing with them or if it seems she's literally just talking at him. Have you lightheartedly asked if he's bored with it?

My DH has a work colleague who talks non stop about their relationship troubles to him. Drones on nearly all day. DH tells it all to me (i've met the pair) and i find it all fascinating. He's bored solid by the whole thing but tries to stay tuned in because
a) it's the friendly thing to do and
b) he's under instructions from me to listen because i want to hear the juicy details!

In my case this colleague is a bloke. But i think you should act the same way. Stay in the loop.

She sounds boring!

Re your OP. Discussing a relationship dilemma in isolation is not a sign of an emotional affair. If the messages were flirty or he were hiding them, that would be different. Are there any other signs at all that make you feel uncomfortable? I'm guessing not because you haven't mentioned them.

She was nervous around you because she's been giving your dp the glad eye. How much do you trust dp?
She is oversharing, he should tell her tmi. He will,prob get bored but keep your eye on it. Ask him how his girlfriend is?

Laiste - I would be the same in your situation as I find other people's relationships fascinating.

Supersupersuper - no not really however I suspect that if he gave her any encouragement she's be all over him like a rash. The reason I think this is because I've met her fiance (at the same staff party - I got stuck with him for about an hour) and he's a dull and not very attractive man. My DP is much more attractive (people remark to me that he's good looking) and likeable. Her and I are about the same age btw - not sure if that's relevant.

Missingstreetlife - possibly! I do trust him yet I still feel she is over sharing. I think she likes to tell my DP that men are interested in her to make her look more attractive in his eyes.

The thing is, let's imagine you're dead right and she's after him ... what is there that you can do/say if you know your DP isn't actively encouraging her?

If the situation were reversed - you have a colleague who you think is ok but goes on about his relationship to you. Your DP one day says you know, i think he fancies you and i don't like the way he's oversharing, i'd like you to ask him to back off. What would you do? How would you feel? Genuinely.

Laiste that's a good point and I'll give it some thought!

Laiste you've helped me realise that I'm probably over-reacting and although I think she's out of order for telling my DP all of this stuff, I don't think he's done anything to encourage it and she probably tells it to anyone who'll listen. Thank you.