MIL - help me deal with her with grace.

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

My MIL and I don’t get along. She’s no worse than most, means well, has a terrible habit of just saying whatever thought is in her head rather than thinking it through - so has said some atrociously awful things to me over the years. But she doesn’t mean it and in her head thinks she is a very kind and sensitive person. She lives abroad and stays with us for 4-5 weeks at a time. It’s very trying, but my family are also a bit tricky sometimes and my DH has put up with a lot for my sake over the years. He’s a good sort and I do not have a DH problem as they like to say in these parts. I know I should have zero expectations from her but I find it hard. Today DS (7 mos) tried egg for the first time and appeared to have an allergic reaction. He broke out in a red rash, and I rang 111 from the hall to ask for advice. I think MiL most likely could have heard the entire convo in our tiny flat. Didn’t come to enquire or anything. I had a callback in a while from the nurse which I took while changing DS in our bedroom. She sends me a text saying she is stepping out for some sightseeing. I don’t think iabu to be flabbergasted she didn’t even wait to see if I needed to run to the doctor’s or anything? I get it, my baby, my responsibility. I’ve bf exclusively since he won’t take a bottle and done all the night feeds and haven’t had more than an hour or two “off” in seven months. I love DS and I’m not asking for anyone else to look after him or anything, but isn’t this extreme?
I’m assuming her explanation will be she didn’t pay attention to what I was saying so didn’t know I was calling NHS. But I find it weird that you wouldn’t even take a peek at my face or see how flustered I was etc.
Anyway, ramble aside please help me with strategies on dealing with her with grace. I just want to be light and easy with her and not feel like a grumpy difficult person. I have PND and anxiety (although of course she wouldn’t know this), and she makes it worse. I hate sort of listing out to my DH all the ways she makes me miserable - I think a big chunk of it is just her negative personality. Lately I’ve been fantasising about just leaving him so I don’t have to deal with his family anymore. That makes me sad because he is genuinely lovely and I love him tremendously. After 3 weeks with her though I really wish I could just punch the walls really hard. Sorry if I’m not making much sense. I just want some suggestions on changing my view of her behaviour so I can deal with it. I’m trying to get therapy for my PND but that’s going to take a bit more time.

It’s actually quite possible she wasn’t aware of what was going on. Why didn’t you ask her to stay just in case? It’s hard to judge from your post what sort of woman she is but 5 weeks is FAR too long for a visit. Anyone would be getting on your nerves by now.

Try communicating with her a little more. Her going out sounds as if she’s trying to give you some space. Your PND may be clouding your view.

Ask her to watch the baby for a while and go out. Talk to her a bit more. And next time keep the visit shorter even if it means her going away somewhere for a week during their stay.

Finally, I say as someone who once felt very unwelcome during a holiday with relatives, do ensure you both make her feel welcome and one way to do that is to include her in general chores and outings.

Best wishes.

Well, perhaps she genuinely didn't hear your conversation with the NHS helpline, or not enough of it to make out what it was about. Did she know you were worried the baby had an allergic reaction?

You do seem to be expecting your MiL to be able to just somehow know what was happening - maybe because you find her irritating to begin with, so any little thing is just more fuel to the fire.

I honestly don't think she's done anything terribly wrong in this scenario - if she'd known you were phoning for medical advice, would she have waited to see if everything was OK before going out?

How much of this is the PND/anxiety talking? Fantasising about leaving your husband is fairly extreme. Are you projecting some of your anxiety and difficult feelings on to MIL? She doesn't know you are struggling, so you can't expect her to react differently.

I'm sorry you had a fright with your DS this morning and I hope he's OK. If MIL had swooped in and started making a fuss about it, that would not have helped either, would it?

I think you're right to try and adjust your expectations, because it's a whole lot easier than changing her behaviour. Having anyone staying for weeks at a time is very draining and would drive most people mad, so it's partly just the fact that you have a long term guest in your house. It sounds as though MIL is giving you some space, so enjoy those moments when she isn't there and try to do things that you enjoy for yourself at those times, when she isn't around to comment or criticise.

Would it be possible to get her to come for shorter visits in future (maybe trade off for slight increase in frequency?) - would that make it easier to cope? Would you be able to tell her that you are in a bad way at the moment and finding it hard to cope with visitors? Could your DH put this to her, maybe when she is leaving and before she books the next visit?

You need to work out some strategies for yourself - maybe set a time limit on how long you spend with her - find a reason to leave the room after 5/10/15 minutes. If she starts annoying you, walk away and do something else. Can you find some regular activities outside the house that mean you have a reason to leave each day for a while? Even just taking your son to the park or popping to the shops for one item?
There are all the Mumsnet favourites for when she is making unwelcome suggestions - "Thanks, but this works for us" etc. Try not to rise to the bait if she says things you don't like. You could think to yourself "You'll be gone in x days and then I don't need to see you for ages". Give yourself points for good behaviour/ restraining yourself/not getting drawn in to her nonsense and reward yourself with a treat when you get to 10? (Daft, but it works for me!)

Good luck. PND/anxiety is the pits, and no-one should have to endure MIL visits of 5 weeks.

Op plenty of women on here have fantasised and actually left their dh due to Mil issues, no pnd.

She’s actually here for six weeks, split as one week at the start, one week a big family holiday and now four weeks. This is after a lot of negotiation downwards based on the horrendous time we had last year. We’re south Asian and it’s very par for the course, so cutting it short would come across as a slap on the face.

I’m finding it hard to communicate with her because I dislike her quite intensely. This anger is something I’m trying to work out in therapy. I want to be able to be pleasant with her because of my lovely husband. But she is very difficult. And she is used to living with a cook and cleaners etc so doesn’t pick up after herself, and consistently expects me to do so. Even when I was heavily pregnant or having a lot of morning sickness. But if my husband had to so much as throw a piece of paper in the trash she’d rush to help him.

I should try to involve her a bit more, it’s the sensible thing to do. I’m just finding it so hard and feeling really petty as a result.

X posted with a lot of helpful suggestions and fair comments. She probably didn’t realise what was happening and I am probably projecting a lot of my anxiety into her.

It is probably just too long a visit, but DH’s brother and SIL have taken to cutting her visits extremely short (presumably because of some similar issues that I haven’t priced into) and he feels the need to compensate a bit. But I think next time onwards I’ll insist they are 3 weeks or shorter because I really can’t take this anymore.

I do think maybe your anxiety is clouding your judgement. She may well not have heard or just heard that DS had a rash and thought it wasn't a big deal. I do think that living with someone you're not close to like MiL for such a long time in a small flat is bound to be trying for anyone, let alone when you're dealing with PND and anxiety. I think you need to give yourself a break from her as much as possible. Can DH get her out of your hair at the weekend? Maybe take DS too for lunch or something so you can relax?

5 weeks at a time in a small flat that is home to a young child.

YANBU. Count the hours until she leaves. The less involvement she has, the greater your autonomy. Every cloud...

How often is she coming?

I hunk this morning she very likely didn’t hear the convo and perhaps she wanted to leave you be and not fuss? Sounds like she can’t win with you.

If you need help- ask for it. Don’t be afraid to be assertive and drAw some boundires.

6 weeks is a long time. I would be spending a bit of time away within that, with my family to have a break!

Just reading about this makes me feel stressed. You need to insist her visits are no longer than 2 weeks. It is likely she is feeling stressed too and unwelcome. She may find you hard work too, and not know what to say or do. I would plan lots of activities with her, keep busy and maybe ask her to babysit so you and your OH can go out. Don’t just sit around. It’s possible she doesn’t even understand about phoning a helpline for advice if this is not part of her culture.

5 weeks is ages.

But that aside if it was me with my MIL I would've said "hey MIL can you come look at this rash, I think it might be a reaction to the egg. What do you think?" I would've called 111 regardless but nonetheless I'm sure i would've included another adult in my clapping instead of stoically keeping it to myself IYSWIM

*flapping.

I really feel for you - it sounds like you are having a tough time. I know when my mum comes to stay I am happy to keep that to a week and I like her!

re. the phone call - not knowing her my instinct would be she didn't know the full content and understand how worried you are . (particularly if english is not her first language as you mention her living abroad and coming from an asian family suggests. There is a difference between being able to follow a face to face conversation and overhearing a phone call in another language, when you might have been speaking faster as you were worried.)

There's nothing stopping her helping you though, though you may have to ask her. For example can you ask her to help run a bath/ set out the changing etc. little things that might help you a little bit.

Definately have her for less time next time: suggest dates that you would be happy to have her stay, and have 'things' either side that mean she can't stay. maybe suggest that she goes stay with her other son at the same time and she would have twice as much family time without it all being with you.

but don't think too much about next time right now, just focus on getting through this time with tbe knowledge that it's not going to happen like this again.

I don’t think it’s the anxiety speaking. I would commit unspeakable acts if I was in your position. I have negotiated down to 1 week a year with my in-laws. The gendered assumptions that you would cook, clean and pick up after her but her son doesn’t would drive me crazy. Can you get out of the house more? Go to baby groups? Put some space between you? Can your husband take some leave with her to ease the burden? I really hope you get through the next wee while with your mental health intact.

I think it’s good you came here to let off steam.

You said your dh is tolerant of your family too?

There’s no guarantee the woman knew you may have had to go to hospital?

You can only leave the baby for two hours? A&E you might be there for wayyyy longer

I do think your emotions are running quite high. Hence the hatred

There is also cultural expectations at play too!

This will pass. Visit your mum overnight if possible