To expect my ex to be on time?!

[MummytoCSJH]

My 4yo DS goes to his Dad's every other weekend then half of school holidays. We live quite far from each other and he does not drive, so he has to get the train to pick DS up which is no bother as DS loves them and the station is next to DS school. It's only about an hour and a half journey. I have a car but I am not allowed to drive at the moment due to a medical issue. The problem is, on the Fridays when he is meant to pick DS up from school, he misses the train! I don't think he's been on time once in the last year. This has meant I've been late for work or had to leave early, missed and been late for uni, missed or been late for important medical appointments (and not so important ones like hair and beauty, but where I have lost out on money because of him. I have told him I'll be expecting the money back from him if that happens again). He has just text me now saying he has missed the 1:40 train again and sorry, he knows I have plans and he will be there about 4 which means I have to stop working at home, go to school, bring DS back home and then meet him at the train station when he does arrive. He always apologises but I'm starting to think he's deliberately taking the piss. I've tried having a serious conversation with him, I've tried reminding him and texting him and sorting out the train tickets myself, I've even spoken to his mum - DS Nan - to get her to have a word ffs! I would never stop DS seeing him but I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone I've spoken to says I should 'threaten' to not let DS go if it's more hassle than it's worth but I don't think it's the right thing to do - also, slightly selfish, but why shouldn't he have him and I have a break? I enjoy my weekends where I can catch up on sleep, work, housework and friends. If I let it continue I know he'll just keep doing it as he doesn't care! All he has to do is get to the station a bit earlier. Its not as if it's 8am, and he lives a 5 min walk away. He knows what time he needs to be there for as he does it repeatedly! I struggle to understand why it is so hard for him to be on time! Any suggestions... I hate rocking the boat because apart from this hes great to co-parent with and he and DS love each other dearly. AIBU to expect him to be on time for his son or am I just going to have to accept this is how it is?

I think you need to make it harder for him to be late. So don't take ds to the station later. You cant control him being late and you have to pick up your son. But then he has to come get him from you. And if you have a medical appointment you ask a friend or school mum to be backup and then he has to get him from theirs. You aren't preventing him from seeing his son but also aren't making it so easy for him to mess you around.

He needs to sort out after school childcare for his fridays.

Make it clear to him that you are no longer available on those days - it is his responsibility to sort it if he has missed the train.

So, decide ahead of time which week you are going to put your foot down. Whatever plan you have for that afternoon, decide in your head that it can't be dropped. Tell your XP that you are not available (hence why you decide ahead of time that it is important enough to be incommunicado), that your phone will be off, and that if he misses the train, he will have to sort out an alternative himself. And then turn off your phone so that he cannot contact you. (You may want to warn the teacher in advance, to have some sort of "emergency back up" plan with her/him should XP turn out to be late, and that SHOULD include getting an earful from the teacher, or better yet, principal.)

Doing it once should show XP that you are, in fact, serious about this and that your time is precious to you, and that he has got parental responsibility for that time and you have made other arrangements on the back of that. And that makes it easier to say that it will be the same every week, as it is HIS responsibility and you have to be able to make your own plans to get things done when you don't have that responsibility - as you DO have it so much of the time and there are other things that do need to get done that he can manage for himself much easier given his lack of caring responsibilities.

Mine has a 15 minute buffer otherwise the door gets locked. Took the piss far too many times.

I agree you have to put your foot down - that's ridiculous. What would ex do if you weren't available? Do you have another mum who could pick DS up and ex can go and get him from hers? Is there after school club at his school? If so ex should pay for it and pick up DS from there.

But you're not the one rocking the boat - HE is! You are bending over backwards to enable him constantly (and probably deliberately, despite what you say) missing the train. He must know it causes you inconvenience.

I agree with the others - stop making it so easy for him. At the very least, don't take DS back to the train station. If you have to go on elsewhere, take DS with you and let your ex make the journey from the station, by taxi, and back.

A couple of times of that and I reckon he will miraculously start catching the train on time!

WAs he always late when you were together? If so, well, that's just the way he is, and it's not personal, though you will still have to find a way to work around it. If he was generally punctual before, this is a passive aggressive way of ruining your day.
Either way, make sure your son is collected from school, but don't make any other concessions for him. Hopefully then he will stop dicking around.

'Oh I am in Brighton/Scarborough/somewhere miles away - you will have to send someone to pick him up as I can't'.

Have you asked him why he’s late? Is it cutting it fine finishing work or something?

Thanks for all your messages so far. I don't know what he'd do if I wasn't available - The main reason I always am there when he doesn't turn up is because I don't want to let my son down.. I know I'd feel awful if I just left him at school. The first thing he said when he came out today was 'is my Daddy here?'. Him paying for childcare is likely a no go, he doesn't earn enough and/or has DS enough to not pay me any maintenance through CMS so doubt he will voluntarily. I think there is an after school club but it has to be paid upfront and I know I'd never see the money. My son also does have a childminder but he leaves it such late notice (ie I have missed the train 15 mins after the train was meant to leave rather than I am running late) that she usually can't have him. I am going to mention it to him though, maybe 1 hour at the after school club and then even if he's there on time he still has to pay it, if not then my son will still be ok. My Mum actually goes to the same school as I have a brother who is 3, and she's quite willing to have him for half an hour but when it can be an hour/an hour and a half later I just feel it's so unfair to put that on her every other friday just because he's inconsiderate! No, he never used to be like this and as far as I know hes not repeatedly late for anything else either. It is really getting to me, especially since I've had to stop telling DS that his Dad is picking him up. But he's not stupid, he knows when he's supposed to be there, just like today, and it breaks my heart.

The problem is there really is nobody else who can get him for him due to him living far away. Without outing hopefully, he is near Hull and I am near Leeds. I have asked him why, it's always just some excuse like oh I had an appointment, I was in the queue for my train ticket, the cash machine wasn't working, my wage hasn't gone in on time so I've had to lend some but it hasn't gone through etc. Just things that really aren't acceptable. I never know what to say other than don't do it again but then he does!

I reckon if he had to pick your son up from your mum's a couple of times he'd start getting his act together rather than face the inconvenience of having to go to your mum's for him AND having to face her disapproval!

I get why you won't just abandon your son at school - I'd feel the same - but you need to start making it harder for him to just be constantly late. He's messing you around because he can!

Then he is doing it deliberately. Make him come to collect your son from your house or your mother's. No more waiting around for him at train stations. We always try to be peace makers but you can't make peace with someone who doesn't want to. He is taking the piss

Whether he can afford after school care or not is really not your problem.
Go into the school, explain that Friday's are when your DC is picked up by his dad and if he is not there at the end of the day then your son goes to after school club and they send his father the bill.

He will only do this a few times before he realises that it's cheaper for him to be on time.

I agree no more taking to the station and tell him how upset and disappointed DS is that he is never there to pick him up.

No more taking to the station. He could go for an earlier train.

You could argue that the dad not appearing to collect his son places the school in a position they should not be in. If a mum was repeatedly failing to collect their son, you can imagine what would be said or done.

There are 2 or 3 times for him to be on time this term- if he fails I suggest the arrangement for the autumn becomes collecting him from the OPs house at a later time.

So, including today there have been 2 Fridays where DS's dad was meant to pick him up. On the 29th I was in Birmingham so completely unable to pick my son up. I let him know this and he went for the earlier train and was there on time. Success! But today he is late again!!! I texted him yesterday and this morning to remind him to get the earlier train but apparently he didn't see the texts until after the second (on time) train had already been. Poor DS... :(

So what are you going to do? Why are you reminding him?

I think the only he will learn is if you tell him "I am out on Fridays so if you are not on time you will have to sort it out with the school, I will not be available from now on"