AIBU to not cancel my plans?

[TasteTheBloodyRainbow]

DH and I live an hour distance from our hometown. We visit one weekend a month with DS. I always ask DH to make plans with MIL/SIL/etc and let me know when they are so I can work around them. He never does, and I get bored and fed up sitting in his grandad's house all day doing nothing, as does DS. So I usually give it till a week before we go, then make plans of my own.

DS and I are going to a sea life centre with my parents Saturday (I told him earlier this week and invited him! He's clearly forgotten this) and made plans for breakfast then softplay with DS's godmother and her son Sunday as she never really gets to see him.

DH has just gone off on one saying I should cancel my plans because he wants to take DS out with SIL on Saturday or Sunday. For background, SIL is pretty nasty. But she's nice to DS so there you go. She never visits, calls, or shows any interest until he's in town. Other than that it's like he doesn't exist. So she's clearly not really interested anyway. She puts no effort in.

The point is, DH never told me of these plans! So why should I cancel mine? I asked him five or six times and he hasn't made any plans! We have to leave by midday Sunday, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room. I offered for her to come along Saturday, but that wasn't good enough apparently and I want to take DS along Sunday, so he can play with my friends DS and keep him distracted so we can catch up.

I probably am being a bit unreasonable, but this happens every bloody time we go down and I'm just expected to drop whatever I'm doing to facilitate his lack of organisation.

Oh. And so I don't drip feed, if I ever call/text the in laws about making plans to see each other they either ignore me, or never get back to me. That's why I leave it to DH.

Stick to your plans. From what you write, he had ample opportunity to make plans earlier.

Well Sunday if Father's Day so I wouldn't have made any plans tbh, I'd assume we'd do something with the men folk / spend out together.

Yanbu to not generally cancel plans because he can't preplan but sounds like you need a new plan.

Could you have half day each or one day each? If he doesn't make plans for his half then a morning hanging out with Dddy and Grandad in the house and you pop out for coffee with a friend?

Sleeping again, FD was something I asked about and he said he was bust that afternoon/evening where we live. He wants to be back by 2pm Sunday to go to a work BBQ, so we can't split that day. And I pre-booked tickets for Saturday, it's about an hours so by the time we go, have lunch, look around, and get back (potentially meeting my brother who's supposed to be back from a deployment on Saturday afternoon too if that goes to plan) so we won't be back till just before DS goes to bed.

The best solution I could offer him was SIL coming along on Saturday. But that's not good enough. They want to go out for a fancy meal with DS, and from experience, they no j get annoyed that he gets bored, and struggles to sit in a restaurant for two hours, like most kids. Then they end up shouting at him for crying because he's tired, or bored, or whatever the issue is.

YANBU, I don't see why she can't just come with you on Saturday if you only have a day and half there anyway, what's the issue with that?

I don't think you should cancel your Saturday plans Op, you asked and he doing reply. I think your offer was fair.
I meant if you go up every month can you work something so he has to make actual plans not just you spend the intervening weeks asking and trying to plan around him.

Those are my thoughts trinity. But no. I'm clearly trying to prevent DS from having relationships with his family I've done everything I can to facilitate this! I go and see them, invite them here, offer to meet halfway, invite them on days out. It's hardly my fault if they don't fancy it or don't bother letting me know what's going on!

I wouldn’t have even invited her along on Saturday if she’s nasty.
Nice guys finish last so fuck her.

Fuck that. I wouldn't be changing plans.

Absolutely do not cancel your plans! Firstly they sound like a lot more fun, and secondly it’s his own fucking fault and maybe next time he will not make the same mistake.

Plus, SIL not coming on Saturday and being a bitch is her own problem.

I would tell him next time he has till a certain date to tell you what plans he's made with his family otherwise you're making your own plans

Well, it'll teach him to get his arse into gear and book plans for next month then won't it. Or if his 'family time' with SIL is so important for this weekend, he can sack off the bbq! Bet it isn't then!

I've nothing of value to contribute, except to say that I empathize with you, OP!

No, you are not being unreasonable. He didn't make or communicate plans. His plan is easily moveable and yours has tickets.

Since you go there once a month, they can do this next time.
Once a month is quite regular. My children's grandparents all live overseas (I'm a migrant) and we see them every 2-4 years. They have a good relationship with their GP!

Do NOT cancel your plans

Why can't he cancel his plans and not go to the BBQ?

Don't cancel. Your plans ere first in so they are the ones you get to keep. Tell him to be better organised he t time.

I would not change plans.
An hour away is not distance at all.
Tell them to come to your house to visit. This monthly thing is not at all neccesary , it's an hour ffs.
My son and grandchildren live two and a half - three hours away and we all dash up and down to each others house frequently.
Sometimes we meet halfway for a day out all together or for us to collect the children from my son for a stay or for him to have an evening out.

Don't change your plans. It will set an awful precedent if you do. Looks like the only way he'll (possibly) learn is the hard way.

Do you have a family calendar in the kitchen - one with columns for each family member? If not, get one and write your plans on it in permanent pen. In future, if it ain't on the calendar it ain't happening .

If you imaging sitting in your house and by the time a television programme is over an hour has passed.
That is putting into perspective how close you live to each other.

No. Not only would I not cancel my plans, I'd be straight with him and say that there's no way I want DS spending time with he and SIL without me there, because I'm sick of them looking after him poorly and shouting at him. And if he doesn't like the weekend's plans, well that's a great fucking kick to let him know that next time he bloody listens and is proactive about planning the visits.

Don’t cancel. THe only way DH will learn to communicate properly WRT arrangements Is if he has to live the consequences of not doing it a couple of times.

Don’t cancel but tell him the next time he takes your DS on his own and you stay at home.

I'm glad I'm not being totally unreasonable! I agree, an hour is nothing. Yeah, with DS is takes about 1.5 if we have to stop, but it's no hardship. To them it clearly is, in laws visit maybe twice a year at most.

Weezol I admit, this is something I don't do! I'm going to start sticking stuff on the one in the kitchen. And the shared phone one as well while I'm at it!

Melons I wish you were my MIL I'd honestly do anything for DS to have a loving and consistent relationship with all of my in laws. I know I can't 'make' them visit though. Even if they FaceTimed him or something it'd be a step in the right direction!

Don't even THINK about about changing or cancelling your plans.

I wouldn't let my child/ren spend time with people were rude/nasty to me, so SIL wouldn't even be getting a look in under any circumstances.

I would suggest getting a calendar and writing the (weekend) plans on it. If they're not there, as in the case of DPs "plans", then they don't happen.