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to not care if ds doesn't have a relationship with his auntie (sil)?

10 replies

furReal · 22/05/2007 18:02

My ds is 4.5, my sil (dh? sister) has seen him maybe 10 times since he was born. In the beginning it really upset me that she didn?t seem to be interested in him, but as time went on I just realized that she?s not maternal and just doesn?t see my child in the same way I do so her loss. The last time she saw him was over a year ago.

Now dh is saying we should go and visit her, and that it?s important that ds has a relationship with her.

I would never discourage any family relationships, but I don?t care if ds doesn?t see this particular auntie. We?re not close to her, imo she takes an interest in ds just because she feels she should and for no other reason. She?s never made the effort with ds, for example two christmases ago she sent him a t-shirt which she'd bought the year before when on holiday and just hadn't ever given to us. it was a short sleved one so definitely not appropriate for the time of year - clearly just a present for the sake of having to have one. so I don?t see why we should make the effort with her either.


OP posts:

cornsilk · 22/05/2007 18:05

It's obviously important to your dh so I would say yes. When your ds is old enough he can decide for himself!


HonoriaGlossop · 22/05/2007 18:09

Yes it does sound as if she's a 'duty' aunt rather than someone who sees the joy of it all.

Does she have other qualities that you do like? For instance my DS has an uncle who is utterly clueless with kids, is like a bit of wood when it comes to talking to ds or interacting with him; he wants to talk to the adults and that's it.

however, he's still a lovely bloke and we still see him! He's just no good with kids and I accept him for who he is.

If she's nice in other ways, or if your dh wants to keep in touch with his sister (not unreasonable!) then I can't see that the odd visit would be a problem?

I dont think you're unreasonable though, I can see why you don't feel you shold have to make a huge effort. But is the odd visit that huge an effort? Just asking, not judging!


Tommy · 22/05/2007 18:09

I would say that this is something your DH has to deal with. If he wants to take him to see his sister then let him. You don't have to go if you don't want to.

At least she is taking an interest even if it's because she feels she should. She could not bother at all!


furReal · 22/05/2007 18:39

well she's alright I suppose but she's probably not someone I would have ever been friends with if it wasn't for the fact she's related to my dh.

She is a very shallow person, loves to be the centre of attention and can be very nasty.

She doesn't particularly like me although I don't really know why as I've always tried to include her in things in the past, she was bridesmaid at my wedding for instance, but I didn't even get an invite on her hen weekend.

Dh speaks to her occasionally but even they don't really have a close relationship now, although to be honest i think that's become more distant since ds was born as dh's priority is now with his family (me and ds) and because she doesn't have children she just doesn't think in the same way as dh so they don't have that much in common any more.

OP posts:

PeppermintStick · 22/05/2007 19:23



beckybrastraps · 22/05/2007 19:31

I think you should keep the possibility of a relationship in the future open. She may not be great with small children but really come into her own when he hits his teenage years. My relationships with different members of my family have changed over the years.


purpleduck · 22/05/2007 19:43

What example do you want to show your children? That family is important or that they are to be chucked away when they do not act as you want them to? Do you want to show him to act from his own ideals, or just react to what other people do? I am in the same sort of situation, and I know its hurtful because everyone has a fantasy about what family life should be like, but you can't control others. In the end you have to set the example that you want your children to follow. (no matter how many vodka and cokes it takes to do so!!) Plus, its your dh's sister, and no matter what you will never feel the same way about her, but it is unfair to expect him to cut her out. Good luck


Jenswish · 22/05/2007 20:23

I've just found out i'm pg and i dont know what to do about my auntie (I think it'll be the childs great auntie?)

she and my granddad had a fall out and when he went into hospital very ill she said that she wouldn't see him even when he "finally packs up and dies" I swore then I'd never speak to her again but do I do the same when I have the baby? or do I force myself to play nice with her for the sake of my baby?

Personally I think you should just call her a couple of times (or better make DH do it) then arrange to go visit (on the way somewhere else) for 1/2 hr, then make DH do it for longer. After that let her do the walking, don't do all the work but don't sit back and just watch.


lizziemun · 22/05/2007 21:06

My brother has seen our dd (3.4yrs) about 2 or 3 times since she was born. He just doesn't do children

It is different because he isn't shallow or nasty it just the way he is and for us and dd to have a relationship with him it is just this way.

To be fair his job does take him all over europe at short notice so arrangement do tend to fall through at the last moment.

From what you have written it seems that it is important for your dh to have a relationship with her, perhaps you just have to bite the bullet and enjure the few visits a year.


Sixofone · 24/05/2007 13:46

I agree with Purpleduck, regardless of how you feel about her, it's up to your ds to make up his own mind but he can't do that if you make it up for him.

I never got on with my own aunts, (my dad's sisters) because I remember from a very early age always hearing my mum telling my dad that they didn't really care and that side of the family weren't bothered about me and my sister. Most of the time, nothing was actually said directly to us but kids pick things up. I've never completely forgiven my mum for that.

Swallow your dislike of her and count yourself lucky that she at least acknowledges that she has some responsibility as an aunt, even if it's not in the way you would like her to show it. She may not know what aunts are supposed to do, and you have to remember that people without kids often don't understand how to treat kids. As a sweeping generalisation obviously

Both my own sister and hubby's sister are the same as your dd, my sister cant' even be ar$ed with 'duty' aunting, so I do sympathise with you as I understand where you are coming from, but it also means I feel I'm justified in saying....YABU It's one of the crosses us mums just have to grin and bear

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