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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding invite thread....

18 replies

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 21:17

My best friend called me on Sat night. He’s engaged! Wonderful news, really happy for him. He tells me it’s going to be soon, and very small. So just both sets of parents, a brother, me and my husband. All good. I call him yesterday to ask how the plans are coming on, he then tells me my husband can’t come to the ceremony “for political reasons”. As background, my friend is a really popular guy and has many close friends who adore him. Three or four people might be upset they have not been invited. So as not to drip feed, he and my husband are really close. They hang out together without me for example. I am a bit upset he is now excluding my husband. I am not going to be that person and try to impose my wishes on him, it’s his wedding, his rules. But I just feel sad my husband won’t be there to share it. That he’ll be hanging around then come to the lunch afterwards and be the only one there who wasn’t at the ceremony. It sucks. AIBU?

OP posts:

Whocansay · 14/06/2018 21:33

Yes. YABU. I assume the bride probably wants a mate there too!

OneOrNone · 14/06/2018 21:36

YABU. In the nicest possible way, the wedding isn't about you and he and his future DW probably have closer friends than your husband that they haven't invited.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 21:53

Thanks. I know. I really am not going to say anything. I need people to reinforce that so if I’m out with him and we are up late talking (as we often are) I don’t just blurt it out. I don’t want anything to taint the wedding. He is so precious to me. But I just can’t imagine excluding his future husband from anything special......I’ll suck it up. I think also the way he said it me was quite blase so that didn’t help.

OP posts:

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 14/06/2018 21:56

Yeah I think you do have to suck this up a bit. It’s nice you’ve been invited to such a small do. You must be very close! Hope you all have a lovely day.

Shumpalumpa · 14/06/2018 21:57

The wedding party is tiny - 6 of you plus B&G!

You are honoured to be invited. It's sad for your DH but it's sweet that your friend wants you at what is a tiny, family only ceremony.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 21:59

Yes we are so close. Sometimes I am amazed by our friendship because everyone that meets him absolutely loves him and for some reason I am his best friend. A few noses will definitely be out of joint when word gets out. I do understand. But I guess I just thought no one would bat an eyelid about my husband being there because everyone knows my friend and I are like brother and sister.

OP posts:

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 14/06/2018 22:03

Political? Is he Tony
Blair?

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 22:08

Ha ha! No, not Blair! Friendship politics, probably more dramatic than the House of Commons!

OP posts:

OneOrNone · 14/06/2018 22:10

Sorry for assuming it was a DW.

FWIW, my male BFF and I sound just like you and yours; like brother and sister and he is amazing so I feel so lucky to be his BF. You seem like a lovely friend to him so I'd try to hang onto the fact that he wants you to be at his extremely intimate wedding above any other friend!

I'm sure once you've got used to the idea you'll come to peace with it and will just feel gratitude that you are "the chosen one". Deep down, I'm sure you understand that he'd be upsetting his very close friends if your DP was there and not them.

BottleOfJameson · 14/06/2018 22:10

YABU it's not like he's being excluded as it's such a tiny wedding it really is only immediate family and you his best friend.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 22:19

Oneornone yes you’re right. Thank you. I am so thrilled to be included, it really is an amazing honour. I think perhaps if he had said only me at the outset it might not sting so much. I had him on speaker on sat night and my husband was on the phone to him too. My husband was really excited and already bought a new suit. I felt awful telling him, it was a shit conversation. But he is fine with it, I knew he would be. And no problem re Assuming DW. I wasn’t clear in my OP.

OP posts:

Dopplerineffect · 14/06/2018 23:17

I think its rude not to invite partners.

They expect everyone to celebrate their love with no regard for others love and the time and money others spend on them.

I have read many threads on this, had it happen to me. I would not do it to any of my guests.
It’s Just bloody ridiculous.

TheCraicDealer · 14/06/2018 23:23

Normally I'd think it was well off but this is a very small wedding. The faux pas on the groom's part is more inviting your DH and then rescinding the offer, rather than not inviting a partner iyswim. That's not on but it sounds like he was excited and then in the cold light of day could see the impact it would potentially have on other friendships.

I'd think you'd have to agree with your DH that it's disappointing and shit they way it's been handled, but hopefully he'll take the same line as the numerous other good friends of the groom who also aren't going to be there.

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2018 23:25

I agree with Doppler. As I said in a previous thread it lacks class and manners to exclude long term partners.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 23:29

Doppler yes I think that’s what has been running through my mind. The brother is single but if not almost certainly his partner would have been invited if he had one. My husband is not some random, he has known my friend for as long as I have and we have a deep connection - or so I thought. Maybe it is just a realisation that he doesn’t like my husband as much as I thought. Or I could be overthinking it. Nevertheless, I would not snub his future husband in the same way. They are a team, I thought it would be the same.

OP posts:

Skittlesandbeer · 14/06/2018 23:30

If I were you, I’d ask for a distinct job as part of the wedding. Not a ceremonial title, something really practical. It’ll get you (and them) out of trouble with the other mates and your DH. It’d help you and your guilt, too.

People sure can get funny about these things.

iheartmichellemallon · 14/06/2018 23:32

Totally understand where you're coming from Op but if you don't want the friendship to be tarnished, you need to let it go & not take it personally/ read too much into it.

Original poster

ilovetomatoes · 14/06/2018 23:34

Skittles I am a witness. So will be signing the register. I know, weddings bring out the worst in people despite the fact that it is supposed to be about love. I don’t want this to be about me and I have no intention of doing so, I just need a bit of help working things through in my mind and managing my feelings.

OP posts:

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