Consequences for 18 year old?

[AnonymousNumber]

If your 18 yo DS or DD, who were off school/college but right in the middle of A level exams, had their GF/BF over during the day and did the following:

• left the gas on to the extent you could smell it when you walked in the front door
• used every pan you own to cook a simple pasta dish with a jar of sauce
• burnt pasta to the bottom of your only rice/pasta pan and left it for you to deal with when you got home from work
• left plates on the side with food still on when you have a dishwasher

how would you deal with that and what consequences, if any, would there be?

we have a good relationship for the most part - right up until I ask him to do his bit. I don’t think he knows how depressed I am, I don’t put that on him and he’s pretty obsessed with his own life as most teenagers are.

He has been talking about moving out with his GF and I’ve been supportive of that whilst helping him be realistic. But whilst he’s here, I just want him to have some respect and help out a little. I don’t think that’s too much to ask but evidently he thinks it is.

Maybe let him go?

Have some peace by yourself for a while.

It might be great.

Have you answered his text?

put the chain across have a good night sleep and make decisions in the morning, does he have many exams left and is he expecting you to support him through uni?

I don’t think he knows how depressed I am, I don’t put that on him and he’s pretty obsessed with his own life as most teenagers are.

Tell him. Tell him you need his support. He's an adult, and if he's going to move in with his gf, then he'll need to learn to be less selfabsorbed.

I will. I have. It just hurts. There are so many other issues I have going on too. I feel so alone. I have a thread in chat if anyone wants to read it.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow will be Groundhog Day #572 but I’ve got no choice but to put one foot in front of the other no matter how much I don’t want to.

I answered his text. But I was stupid and answered in anger. I wast unkind but I was defensive. I feel worse. I feel like I should text him saying I love him but I’m upset with him.

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time, OP. It sounds incredibly stressful and draining. You say, however, that he's "a really good lad 99% of the time" - are you sure this is an accurate reflection? It doesn't sound like it.

I am honestly sympathetic, I have parented teens myself. My eldest dd was a lazy arsed horror at the age of 17, and I had no clue how best to deal with it. She went off to uni at 18 and, in hindsight, she had actually just outgrown family life. Three years down the line, our relationship has totally fallen into place - she's sensible, great at budgeting and, whilst not a cordon bleu chef by any stretch, manages to cobble together reasonably nutritious meals.
Maybe your Ds is just ready to move out?
It's so hard at this stage. I wish you all the best

Tell him you love him, tell him the reason you are so upset is because you didn't think he was a lazy selfish teenager, that's not the way you raised him and its time for him to man up and not risk blowing up the house.
Forget 'consequences', he is an adult. When one adult is pissed off with another adult they love they tell them how they feel.
But a burnt pan is not worth losing your relationship.

Maybe text him along the lines of you love him out can't tolerate his behaviour so him moving out for a while is for the best. That way it's not him dictating what s happening. Tell him if he does want to movie back in he is welcome but there will be ground rules.
I agree to getting some support with you mental health too. Concentrate in you and your younger children for a while.

I can’t talk to him about it as he has a massive tantrum and moves out to my parents’ house for a few days, where there are no expectations or rules.

Calm, rational family meeting with everyone where you explain your expectations and ask what his are. A natural consequence of lack of safety somewhere is not being allowed access to that space alone. So no keys for him if he can't be safe.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I don't think the middle of his A levels is the right time to be fighting him. My DD is younger and finishes her GCSEs tomorrow. I've made a big effort NOT to give her any kind of hard time during the exams, because I have wanted her to be in the right frame of mind to sit them/revise.

Also, from what you say it sounds like your DS DOES do his bit, just not around you. He sounds like he's helpful with his GPs, so he does have the capability. He's just choosing to show the worst of himself/being lazy around you. There's a compliment in that, I think (I appreciate it doesn't feel that way)... You're the one he trusts enough (in who's love he trusts enough) to behave that way.

Obviously, you couldn't let the gas go without comment, but I think you should let the rest slide for now.

i Reread his message once I was calmer and read it with clarity and realised he was saying he felt I didn’t care about him. I said I was sorry and I that I love him and stopped being defensive.

He’s messaged back to say he’s sorry too and that we can talk about things. (P.s. you’re a good mum - which made me cry as I feel anything but at the moment).

Anyway, a tiny bit more positive that we’ve made up. Now to get through tomorrow - I have a meeting with DD’s head about a safeguarding concern they have. They called me on Tuesday but wouldn’t tell me what it was about.

Sounds like you need a calm chat with DS after his exams about expectations going forward . His behaviour isn't great but it's fairly typical of a teenage boy so try not to build it up to mean more than it does in your brain. Hope tomorrow goes well OP. I imagine being told they have a safeguarding concern is quite worrying and may be contributing to your stress.

Had the meeting. Turns out youngest DD (7) made a remark at a birthday party in front of some parents. It then went like Chinese whispers amongst the parents until one of them told the school.

So now I know that they’re all gossiping about me and I’m going to be dragged in for every minor thing because I’m ‘known’ to the school due to elder DD’s MH issues which are mainly due (I think) to witnessing XH’s abuse.

I’m a very private person so this is probably affecting me disproportionately. I feel like I’m never going to catch a break as I’m left on my own to deal with the ripples of abuse originating from my own childhood.

When will things get easier?

you can get gas cookers with flame safety devices. selling his phone and other possessions should cover the cost.

specialsubject That’s shit advice. He is 18 and when you buy something for someone it becomes theirs. To sell it on is ridiculous. Even still, his mum didn’t buy him the phone, I belive his grandparents did as part of the contract.

fine, let him destroy the place. the dick brick addiction on here is pathetic.

no wonder the country is full of spoilt dirty selfish brats. no consequences.

specialsubject What a rude little fucker you are. What the hell is a “dick brick addiction”? Are you ok?

Tell me how it’s ok to take something that belongs to an adult. It would be classed as stealing. The op didn’t fucking but the phone so how can she sell it on. You sound mad to be honest.

OP, for you.

It is hard at that age, when they are on the cusp of adulthood, indeed, are even legally adults, but still quite immature in so many ways.

Ignore specialsubject and the incredibly shitty and unsupportive "dick brick" comment. Some people just come on here to insult others and think they are being so clever.

Sounds like you are beginning to communicate again now, and that is good.

There might be no harm now in letting him know how abuse you suffered in the past affects how you react to things today. He is old enough now. He doesn't necessarily need all details, but perhaps he does need to understand you a bit more, and on a more adult footing.