To say no to my mother

[TheGroundedOne]

Long term mumsnetter, has to NC for this.

I had been NC with my mother until Christmas when she wrote to me basically apologising for everything she'd said and done that led to our estrangement.

We've been LC since them but just recently started meeting up once or twice a month for coffee or lunch etc.

I have two sons and a baby girl on the way, this is the first granddaughter on both sides.

I am meeting her on Saturday and she said she has bought me a present. It's not any special occasion, I told her she didn't have to buy me presents & she said she wanted to...

Now comes my aibu...
I feel really awkward about accepting gifts from her, mainly because a lot of our past issues have been around money.
her buying things in the name of generosity but then expecting control over us because of it
If it was something small then I might bite my tongue and accept the friendly gesture but I've got a feeling from odd things that have been said that she's bought something big for the baby and I just don't think it would be appropriate to accept it. Is that unreasonable?

I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just want my nuclear little family to be self reliant (which we are) other than the odd teddy, toy and cute outfits, I'm really not wanting anyone to buy the baby things.
(DH and I are in agreement on this)

Aibu to say thanks but no thanks in this delicate situation and how do I say it without coming across too harshly?

Sorry it's a long one and thank-you if you got through it!

YANBU. My mother does this and I refuse to take gifts from her. Perhaps you could say you’ve already got one and if she wants to do something for your baby a trust fund would be good?

Could you find out what it is and then say thank you but you’ve already bought one/got a different model in mind?x

I asked what it was, she said it was a surprise and wouldn't tell me!

I did think about suggesting a trust fund or bank account (the other grandparents do this already) but I feel cheeky asking that, especially given our history with money.
I don't want her to start with this circle of 'you owe me a visit or something cos I bought that' kind of things with my kids.

Why not just be HONEST? You're back in contact now, trying to rebuild your relationship, and she has apologized for some of her actions. Why don't you just voice your concerns and talk about it like adults?

Oh we're not doing that now. I'm in no mood to be sorting out everything right now.
We are going to be going to counselling together after this baby arrives and will deal with it all then.

Hmm. I get that you are trying to avoid her feeling like you owe her an obligation. But declining a gift sets you up as the unreasonable one at this stage (why refuse a straightforward gift?)

I'd be inclined to perhaps accept it as an innocent gift (even if you know it isn't). But as soon as she tries any funny business, call her on it and offer to return the gift. 'Mother I thought it was a gift freely given. Sorry I misunderstood. Please accept it back.' 'No no it is freely given'. 'Well it's just you said since you gave us such an expensive pram, perhaps we should invite you to stay. It sounds like you have expectations related to the pram. So we'd like to give it back. We don't want to feel beholden.' Etc.

Basically, once you are moving into dodging her machinations in an underhand way, you are back in the territory of accommodating her manipulations one way or another. It's better, if you can, to pretend she is a normal person, respond to her as a normal person (ie naming the manipulation openly and non-emotionally) and have normal consequences to her actions. If she responds inappropriately to your normal behaviour, well then you're less likely to want to spend time with someone like that, aren't you?

Agree with @Pannacott this would be the best way forward.

Given that she's apologised for everything why not accept the gift and assume that it's well-meant and her trying to make it up to you? If she then tries to use it to control you or make you feel guilty etc., then you can hand it back and explain why. But give her the chance first.

Pannacott - that does sound like a good way to approach it.
I'm still not sure... I'd rather entirely avoid the situation of her trying to manipulate rather than deal with it if / when it happened.

@thegroundedone I am nc with my mum (due to her narcissistic terrorizing alcoholic ways) and she used to do the same. Every other day I when I would be getting nasty voicemails from her it would be "6 months ago I bought you shoes/new dress/took you on holiday/paid for lunch etc and you're a money grabbing xyz for the way you treat me" when really she'd just had a drink and wanted to have a go at someone, she done it with my siblings, other family and her mates too 🙄 so I get where you're coming from as I too didn't want anything from her as it seriously wasn't worth the aggravation! I would accept this gift this once if it's for your child but definitely bring it up at your therapy sessions and be prepared to hand it back if she does revert to her old ways 💐

Could you be upfront with her, as a PP said? "Mum, I've mentioned before that I'm not comfortable accepting large gifts from you because in the past you've given gifts and then tried to use them as a way of guilting is into doing things. So I won't be accepting this gift, sorry." I think her response will tell you a lot about how serious she is about fixing the issues in your relationship.

OP it's unavoidable though, she will at some point attempt at least a teeny bit of manipulation. Might as well get it out the way and then decide if you want to keep up contact.

If you try and police every situation before it arises then you'll exhaust yourself, and you won't know if she's changed or not.

I don't actually think it is unusual for a grandparent to buy a gift for an expected grandchild, especially if grandchild will be the first girl.
I think I would accept it graciously, but explain that further gifts absolutely would not be accepted.

She can buy all she likes but when she begins to try and exert control again, shut her down. Don't get upset - I know it is hard. Do not give her the power.

YABVU. Your mum wants to buy you a present. Just... let her?