To be terrified I'm going to mess up my son's social life?

[Whyyounoeatmypie]

I have some long standing mental health issues and had horrible postnatal depression for a good year. Was raised in a controlling, emotionally abusive environment which made making friends and socialising with peers very hard, and normal socialising wasn't modelled to me by my parents. My husband has a similar background.

We've both been in therapy and working through why we find navigating groups so hard, amongst other things. We both have a small number of very close friends but new groups freak us the hell out. I've recognised that I probably come over a bit cool for school, or intimidating, or just a bit much, because I'm so scared of rejection that I try and perform like I'm interesting (!) which is obviously a bit of a shit plan. He is also a bit loud and performative which he reckons is about keeping people at a distance before they reject him.

We desperately want our son to have a loving, free and easy home where he can have friends over and develop a social life - all the things we missed out on - but neither of us really have a clue how to go about it! I'm especially sad that my PND made me so isolated from the local networks that could have helped out. We're moving to a new city in Sept and want to prioritise getting involved in the community and making sure DS - who will be 2 - gets more opportunities to socialise etc. We're just petrified we're going to cock it up!

Anyone felt similar? Any tips welcome!

In your position I'd wait until he starts school and can have friends over for playdates without parents in tow. No point forcing yourself to go to groups and make friends if you'll hate it.

I've not really made any friends of other parents and i did try! But I make sure my DC have a great social life by encouraging them to invite friends home (and not caring if it was reciprocated), taking them to events and parties where they'll meet others and getting them involved in after school activities.

What stuff do you like? a little knowledge on many subjects is really useful. From intellectual stuff to lowbrow stuff. Also ask people about themselves, people love that.

I was an incredibly quiet child a bookish nerd but I had an amazing memory. If I met someone and they told me their cousins dog had a bad leg I would remember the dog, dogs name, cousins name and the problem with its paw. Then when people realise you remember stuff they really like it.

I also look at meeting people like this. You meet a hundred people, you may have the potential to make one good friend out of those hundred. So you actually need to interact with lots of people to meet those select few that you genuinely click with.

Remember you have no idea how another person feels inside they may be as nervous as you even if they look like a confident person.

Thanks all. Just to be clear, I have no issues with him being an introvert - I think I naturally am too - my worry is that my lack of social ability stems from a pretty grim home life, so I don't have a template for how to socialise well with others and set my son up to do so too. I just want to do my best for him really - I may well be over thinking it but i just don't want him to be crippled by my/our blind spots if that makes sense.

Thanks for all the very helpful suggestions!

It makes sense, I felt exactly the same op, my first dc is an introvert like me, but I want her to have better skills than I do, because also like me, sometimes she does want to join in and life isn’t set up for complete introverts. My second dc actually has made herself a little group of friends and it’s very odd for us that it just happened but we are crossing our fingers that carries on.