Child Access

[CeleryMKII]

I split up with my ex-husband several years ago because of both mental and physical domestic violence. He was cautioned with assault. He is still allowed access to our daughter as she was not harmed.

I am amicable but he refuses to speak to me unless absolutely necessary. Most messages get passed through our daughter which annoys me as I feel the adults should discuss these things.

For a number of years, the arrangement has been he has her Friday after school to Sunday evening alternative weekends.This works brilliant. I take her out and do things with her on my weekend and get on with boring stuff like DIY and housework on my weekend off when she's not under my feet complaining she's bored! He also has additional days in the school holidays that he picks and I work our plans around them.

He has since taken on a job that involves Saturday mornings. He has suddenly decided that he wants her every Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. He will pick her up between 2-3pm on the Saturday afternoon. He has told our daughter about the new arrangement and to tell me about it. He said this needs to happen as I am taking her out too much in my time and it's fair that he has her weekends as I get plenty of time to do things on week nights.

I'm not happy about the new arrangement. It means I can never take her out for the day on a weekend which I will really miss. He knows we have we have season tickets for football which is my biggest passion. If he's picking her up between 2-3pm every Saturday, it means I cannot go to the match. It's difficult going out and doing things weekdays as I work full time and she has homework to do.

AIBU to say this will not work for me?

I don't want to cut his contact with out daughter as it's important that she has a relationship but at the same I don't want to be walked all over and stopped from doing things that I do. He has told our daughter that he has control and can stop her going on holiday abroad with me if he wants to. I don't want to make him angry and lose our holiday as I've worked extra hours to pay for it. How is best to handle it?

For the record, he doesn't pay any maintenance (his choice and I've not chased for it) and I think I'm being quite fair considering the circumstances.

Nope. He can have her from Sat 2pm through to Sunday evening one week and the next from Sunday 10am - evening.
Tough titties it’s his job that has messed it up. You’re entitled to some nice down time and days out with your child

The answer is quite simply "no, that does not work for us." You need weekend time with your daughter. If he had s problem with that let him take it up with the family court. Perhaps offer him alternate Sat PM TO Monday evening instead if this doesn't interfere with your daughter's school commute on Mon and Tue?

And no he cannot object to you taking her out of the country unless it’s for more than 28 days consecutively

No, she needs weekend time with her mum and dad. Could he do a week day evening/overnight maybe? So she doesnt miss out on time with her mum or dad?

Yanbu

He can’t stop you going on holiday

Tell him to go to court to change the agreement. He changed it not you

Apply to cms for proper maintenance

Firstly maintenance is different from contact. Your child's father need to contribute to her up bringing even if it is a couple of pounds because he does lots of overnights.

Secondly if the every weekend contact doesn't work for your child then you can refuse it. Expect to be taken to court so have a good reason why it doesn't work for her.

Btw try and get the fact he said that he has control recorded somewhere in writing even text message.

It's worrying that he's making threats about depriving your child of her holiday out of sheer spite to get his own way. Imo you shouldn't give in to his pressure. He has her one weekend and you have her the next. If he wants to cancel his Sat morning that's his problem. It doesn't mean he gets to eat into your time instead. If you agree then he could swap his Sat morning for a week night. But he definitely doesn't get to have her every weekend.

I forgot to add, his last job involved some weekend working. If he did have to work on his weekend, either his new partner or his family looked after our daughter and his younger child. I have no problem with them doing this.

Use email and don’t send messages through daughter if he refuses back to court tell them he is using your daughter as a text message service

Email him. No. Would you consider a week night instead?

yes - he used to have her after school one weeknight but he dropped that as he said it was too much hassle for him. I thought of suggesting it again though.

No the arrangement of every other weekend stands and maybe he can take her out our see her one evening a week too. Friday every other week for example by bring her home rather than her stay over, or could she not go to see his parents on a Saturday morning when is his week to have her?

No, it's his choice to have changed his working hours, it's not like he's paying you anything. Tell him the original agreement still stands and it's up to him to find childcare for her in his time, or he can pick her up in the evening when your back on the same days he has her now. If he wanted to stop you taking her on holiday, he would have to go to court, and given it's already been booked, and he is clearly doing it out of spite, it's extremely unlikely any judge would agree. It would also raise the issues of regularised contact and maintenance, which again would not go in his favour. Just keep going as you are.

Please be firm you settled no teb ground work now you give him a mile from what you say it’s likely he will take a mile

@CeleryMKII unless you have a residence order or Child Arrangements (Lives with) order you cannot take your daughter out of the country without her father’s permission, unless he doesn’t have parental responsibility.

YANBU about weekends though

My friend had a similar situation (re abuse and acrimony and passing messages through child which is just so very wrong). Her ex demanded to have their child from Friday - Monday every weekend because he couldn’t pick him up in the week because of work. She said no, every other weekend because I need weekend time. He applied to court. Judge told him he was being ridiculous and child needed weekend time with both parents, and he got every other weekend.

My friend represented herself by the way and it was fine, you don’t necessarily need a solicitor.

It also isn’t for you to suggest alternatives, you had an arrangement and he wants to unilaterally change it without reference to you, it doesn’t work like that.

Personally I think I’d put it before the Court as there are other issues - there needs to be a way of communication agreed that doesn’t involve your daughter being the go between, and you need the issue of foreign holidays resolved as he is trying to hold you to ransom with it.

@wejammin you’re incorrect there. You can take your child unless there is a specific contact order which is being broken.

@flowerpotbicycle really, you can’t www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

With the greatest respect, I’m a child law specialist solicitor and you need an order under s8 Children Act or active consent otherwise you are essentially abducting your child