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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgetting you were a bully?

51 replies

Grimtimes · 14/06/2018 09:23

Just wondering your thoughts on this. I've had two requests this week from old school acquaintances to be friends on Facebook. All lovely...apart from they both bullied me and made me miserable for 3 years of my life.
Why the hell would they want to get in contact now? Have they forgotten how nasty they were? Have they had memory lapses or just no shame?
AIBU to add them to my 'friend' list just to find out what they're up to then delete them? (Curiosity is rife and part of me wants to know what they're up to and where they are in life). Has this happened to anyone else?...what did you do?

OP posts:
LostInLeics · 14/06/2018 12:21

It might just be that they've got sucked into some get rich quick MLM scheme, and they've been told to add everyone they've ever come into contact with as a FB friend so they can then attempt to sell you some overpriced junk. Just ignore them.

AjasLipstick · 14/06/2018 12:23

My friend's bully contacted her on social media and wrote a long private message in which she apologised profusely for what she'd done in school.

She said her own life had been difficult and now she was a Mother herself, she was wracked with guilt about what she put my friend through.

eyycarumba · 14/06/2018 12:35

You'll feel better just ignoring it or deleting the request, a bit of an invisible middle finger to them.

I've had minor bullies add me over the years, but only one bad one who I messaged saying 'Not sure why you're trying to add me on here after you did X, Y, Z to me at school..unless you have conveniently forgot, but I have not.' Got a half arsed apology back saying he didn't remember it and that was that. Kind of wish I hadn't wasted my energy on it but it had worked me up that he had the audacity.

StableGenius · 14/06/2018 12:38

My 2 worst bullies both became teachers.

I met one of them at an inset event once (also a teacher), and thought she might be uncomfortable, but no, it was all, 'OMG, Stable, how aaaare you?' as if we'd been great mates Hmm.

CointreauVersial · 14/06/2018 12:48

Just want to say to @midnightmisssuki - don't ever think you aren't "good enough" to be someone's friend.

It's not you, it's them. Don't give that nasty person another thought.

Openup41 · 14/06/2018 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

UpstartCrow · 14/06/2018 13:23

StableGenius that is one way bullies 'forget'; they were having a great time and can't/won't empathise with their victim. They also expect other people to rely on the social rules of niceness and smooth it over for them.

Unless a bully contact you up front with a sincere apology, don't think twice about blocking them.

Openup41 · 14/06/2018 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

SacrificialAnode · 14/06/2018 13:27

Tell them to fuck off.

Love51 · 14/06/2018 13:49

Divide and conquer... Accept one friend request to have a nosy.
Reject the other.

Unless you want to be the better person and retain the moral high ground. Then just ignore both.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2018 14:42

IME is to continue more of the same.

Luckily in my case I was able to tell them their fortune and not put up with it any further.

tiptowin · 14/06/2018 14:46

No bully will have forgotten they bullied someone.

They might have justified the reasons why they did it...
Or hope that you might have forgotten....
Or they might even be very sorry and trying to feel better about it...

But they won't have forgotten.

Mumminmum · 14/06/2018 15:03

When I was a teenager, several of the boys who had bullied me when we were younger tried to flirt with me and ask me out. Hell no!

KittyHawke80 · 14/06/2018 15:08

Sometimes - sometimes - they’re sincere. That Matt Baker/Mel Giedroyc programme a while back, had a bloke who wanted to apologize to someone he’d bullied. He didn’t spare himself at all - freely admitted he’d been an utter bastard. The bloke said: “I’ll meet him, but I won’t forgive him” - and promptly forgave him, because it was so obviously genuine contrition. On the other hand, I read a thing in The Times from a woman whose son killed himself because he was bullied. Anecdotes about him asking for a few quid because “Some of us are going for a Subway” and then handing it back to her in the evening, quietly explaining that they’d all gone without him - ach, it still kills me. Sending group messages saying “I see X is trying to get himself invited to the party - when will he realize we hate him?” And they had the temerity to give her shit when she banned them from the funeral! Maybe it’s only with time that people realize how vile they were.

CurcubitaPepo · 14/06/2018 17:33

I looked up a primary school
Bully yesterday just to see what she looked like. Her feed was full of Britain first / free Tommy Robinson posts. Ewww. Enough said.

Original poster
Grimtimes · 14/06/2018 22:54

PostitiveBuddist... what a lovely way of thinking. Thank you for all your comments and advice... I'm doing nothing and gonna ignore, being a better person is making me smug Smile

OP posts:
justilou1 · 15/06/2018 02:37

One of my school bullies ended up introducing herself to me at one of my husband's work functions (in another country.) Neither of us recognised each other. She literally introduced herself as an "Alpha Female" to the group I was already talking to and wondered why it immediately provoked a mass eyeroll. (Perhaps because we were all around 40 years old, not 14?). Anyhow... I assumed she must have been very insecure so introduced her to the group and we got chatting and it turned out that she had gone to my high school and she remembered me as an "absolute nerd" which I laughed about and completely agreed with her, and it totally threw her off because I wasn't remotely insulted. The group of women I was talking to (who I knew pretty well and liked) had my back and said that my nerdiness had paid off and contributed to my success in MY career.... (YAY TEAM WOMEN!!!) My husband came over with her husband, who had been schmoozing mine for a job (ha!) and I told him what a small world it was that I had gone to high school with this woman, but I didn't remember having spoken to her at all. (This was mostly true - I was too shy and shell-shocked to speak to anyone.... but I wasn't going to tell her that she had me vomiting before school.).

*Side note - When I told my husband afterwards, he told me that her husband was a miserable shit who was well known for cheating on his wife at any available opportunity and he wouldn't employ him as he couldn't trust him around vulnerable employees. (So I was probably right about her being very insecure, but wow - what a terrible way to deal with it all!!!)

justilou1 · 15/06/2018 02:40

Sorry - posted too soon....

Out of the blue - got FB requests from the rest of her herd of high school bullies under my married name telling me how they'd been following my career, etc... (Bullshit - I'd changed my name.)
Hilarious - They all wanted to be friends now. Not a single one acknowledged their bitchery, so not a single one had their friendship request acknowledged either.

Serendipite · 15/06/2018 03:06

Maybe they're adding you to bully you again. Reject.

Candlelight123 · 15/06/2018 07:11

Maybe they're adding you to bully you again. Reject.

Yes this ^^. You weren't friends with them back in the day, so don't accept them now.

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 15/06/2018 07:28

If two bullies have tried to add you at the same time this would ring alarm bells.
I was in hospital after a major operation and found one of the bullies was a nurse. I couldn’t bare her doing my obs and stuff so I discharged myself very early

BeeNicer · 15/06/2018 07:31

I wasn't a bully at school but admit I was a difficult teenager and even as a younger child someone from my past told me I was a cow. Not on FB as want to keep my past at a distance. Was horribly abused aged 7-9 and told no-one, was also bullied at school. Grew up and had an eating disorder which resulted in years and years of therapy. Am in my forties now and still the bad memories of my behavior keep me awake at night, I carry heaps of guilt like most abused people and at the time when I was a child/teenager I can remember wishing with all my heart that I could be happy and carefree like my peers, I admit I was jealous of them.

I think I am a good friend now, fiercely loyal with a lovely DH and DS. Even in my happiest times there is still a little grey cloud in my mind, reminding me of darker times.
Phew! Sorry for the long post, in short I am just trying to say that there is usually a reason why people bully or act up - they may be genuinely remorseful of their past and people can change.

Openup41 · 15/06/2018 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Openup41 · 15/06/2018 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

northernbella · 18/06/2018 09:22

Agree with you OP in ignoring them, just refuse the requests.

I think it's too much of a coincidence that it's both of them, especially if they've said nothing at the time of requesting.

They've had (unless you're still extremely young) years to approach you and show contrition / explain themselves.

Not being overly paranoid but do you want them having access to your friends and family and your pics in case they haven't changed at all and want to humiliate you? Perhaps its unlikely for 2 adults to do this but they've given you no reason to trust them with this information.

So sorry to hear about the bullying. For me it was more low level but I don't think it fully leaves you Cake Flowers