Hate my sex life... or lack of it!

[NannyNameChanged]

Sorry, can't post on the sex board as I haven't been a member for 3 months, but still absolutely relevant in relationships. Posted in relationships but getting very few answers so hope nobody minds me posting here for traffic. I really am at my wits end and wouldn't post twice if I didn't really need advice.

How would you approach this...?

I find my partner extremely attractive, however have completely gone off sex. We have been together for three heads but haven't had sex in months. I've just gone off it. He does make me orgasm however he won't go down on me, isn't open to using toys, has never made me orgasm without him orgasming himself. I just can't be arsed to have the same old plain vanilla sex we always have. He makes the odd comment here and there about how we haven't had sex in forever but hasn't once made a move on me. I always made the first move and since I stopped sex just stopped happening.

What do I do? I can't leave my partner just because the sex is boring? He thinks I'm not interested in him but actually I just think he's boring in bed. How do you discuss this properly with someone like an adult without completely ruining their self esteem? I mean I reached the point that I had to watch porn for a couple of minutes to get turned on as sex was just so blah! That's awful, I feel horrid about it.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated... I hope I'm not being unreasonable to expect him to want to pleasure me without always getting something in return...

Three years not three heads!

Have you tried talking to him about it? Yes he might get defensive but you could word your boredom with sex without him feeling attacked. Ask him if he has any ideas on how to make it enthusiastic maybe?

This was a major factor in ending my 20 year marriage. I don't want a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. If I wanted that I'd live with my sister who would make a much better spouse 😂
I suppose it depends on how important sex is to you?....

gamer I think that's the problem. He thinks the sex is great! It is, for him! I asked him to go down on me and he won't (fine, I wouldn't force it and probably wouldn't enjoy it knowing that he doesn't like it), he uses his hands for about 30 seconds occasionally, I just don't think he gets sex...

@BertyFlanter I guess I'm just adventurous. I like to do things a bit exciting. I'm bored of vanilla. He just likes plain old boring sex and I'm bored of it...

Run now. Mine was just like this. You end up

Angry
Ashamed
Full of secrets
Zero self esteem
Did I mention angry?

Sounds horrible.

I had a similar situation and we split up.

I had to basically crush down my own sexuality and libido to be able to tolerate being with him, we just didn’t click sexually and he was shit in bed, I hated it. It was awful to go from a normal sexual being to just being basically asexual, my libido got up and left once it realised the only sexual activity available was terrible.

Only you know whether you can live with this long term. It won’t get better.

Then he needs to be told it's not great for you and you wondered if he had any ideas to make it more interesting for you. He's happy and that's fab but you're not.

It really depends on whether he cares about you being satisfied or not. If he doesn't then it's just a matter of time before resentment sets in.

It is irritating when they get complacent and never initiate.

Does he expect you to give him oral, out of curiosity?

I'm afraid to say @NannyNameChanged it's unlikely to get any better. You may talk and things may get better for a while, but in my experience it will be a recurring problem that will eventually destroy your self esteem.

Buy a good sex bible and leave it out on the bed at an open page.... put a post it note on it, saying "let's try this.........." and work your way through it together. If he asks why, be honest. Not everyone is naturally "good" at sex, but it's only an issue when someone isn't prepared to learn.

frizzle doesn't expect it but I did do it. I stopped about a year ago as I got bored of nothing in return.

I really wanted some honest answers. So missed out that I'm 20 weeks pregnant (not the reason for lack of sex, we had sex three times in January and February and didn't find out I was pregnant until weeks after at which point we had already gone back to no sex as I was so bored).

Just wondered what the advice without people knowing I'm pregnant.

I left a perfectly good man who I was absolutely 100% in love with purely because the sex wasn't there. It wasn't lack thereof but rather just very plain and average. I put it down to inexperienced in the beginning, and it did improve, but after several years together my libido was dying and I felt awful and ashamed for fantasising about other people. I felt incredibly shallow for leaving over something that seems so trivial but sex is such an important part of a relationship and I wished I'd realised that a lot sooner.

I feel like I could've written this exactly. I'm 16 weeks pregnant now. I feel my libido went away before we even got married 5 years ago. I feel bad as my husband wants sex all the time but I just can't get myself into it. There's no romance or affection. Nothing to get me into the mood and I feel like he just expects me to flip a switch and be ready for a quickie the moment he touches me.

I'm sorry, my post had no advice or was helpful.

Google (and buy) the Steamy Sex Ed dvd set. Then watch together. Expensive but worth it to save a marriage!

Formerly married to a two-pump chump. Sexless marriage for 12 years.
I don't mind telling you that it.nearly destroyed me. Three years split. I can't imagine trusting myself not to repeat the same mistakes again, plus being 17 years older than when we met...

My sex drive has died a death now, and it's heartbreaking tbh
Fundamentally, a relationship can't survive without give and take. Sounds as though he's doing all the taking.

I think you can leave someone for boring sex. Imagine 5 years from now still having boring sex

You said that he does not go down on you, but do you go down on him. Or is this a one way street?

Honestly? I'd leave over this at your point. I'm much further down the line and there are differing factors (I'm not attracted to DH anymore) but ultimately the sex was never amazing. He wouldn't even undress me, he just nudged me when we wanted me to remove my underwear. Never gave me oral apart from about twice early in the beginning. Always missionary. Always same old same old. Now its been many many years and I feel a bit trapped. My libido is there, I just don't want mediocre sex with someone I'm not attracted to and this is now my life. I honestly see this being you in 15 years time.

Anon I feel your pain. Your experience mirrors mine.
It's shit. I don't have any answers though, my frame of reference is so skewed I'm not comfortable enough to try and describe what a compatible relationship looks like.

Sex is important and I believe attraction can grow. I decided to have sex for the physical release. I was able to connect on a level with him...he just didn't want to know.

It's hard being rejected by the person you choose to spend your life with. I chose to separate, my sex life hasn't improved particularly, but my esteem is higher than ever. That's a comforting starting point.