Family childcare issue - is my dad being inconsiderate or am I?

[Glittertrauma]

Hello MN-ers

I’d really appreciate opinions on a family childcare issue.

I have a 2-year-old DS, and I’m 8 months pregnant. I work full time, and so does DH. We are lucky enough to have some family help with childcare – my Dad and Stepmother look after him on a Monday, Tuesday he goes to MIL with his cousins, Wed-Fri he’s at a local nursery.

I have never asked, or pressured my Dad to help with the childcare – it was something he volunteered to do almost as soon as DS was born. I’ve always made it very clear how grateful I am for his help, and I have said it's not a problem if he ever needs to go away on a Monday (he’s retired, as is my Stepmother and they go away a lot).

The trouble is that they are away such a lot its begun to be an issue. Since January, they must have averaged 1-2 weeks away on a Monday every month. Often they don’t give very much notice as they do a lot of last-minute flights abroad or trips in their camper van, and they don’t seem to understand that this causes a huge issue for us. Both DH and I are required to book in leave in the good advance notice of when we want to take it.

This week my Dad has announced they are going away week after next for 2 weeks. DH works on a client appointment basis and struggles to cancel. It's my last two weeks before maternity leave with my second baby so I could really do without taking an additional two Mondays off as I have a lot to finish and handover.

I feel they are being quite inconsiderate at this point and have said as much to my Dad. I don’t really understand why they couldn’t have gone away a week later, when I’m off on mat leave, or just cut things a day short so they don’t miss two Mondays in a row (they are away in the UK in campervan so can leave when they like, its not like they’ve got to catch specific flights…)

Really don’t want to be ungrateful, but them being away as many/more Mondays than they have had him makes our lives incredibly difficult. It would be less hassle to put him in the nursery an extra day at this point, and then we wouldn’t be left scrabbling around frantically trying to make alternative arrangements.

I have suggested this, but my Dad is upset at the thought of not getting to see his DGS as much. They live an hour;’s drive away, so if he didn’t do Mondays they would probably see him a lot less. But its honestly getting more hassle than its worth at this point.

AIBU or should my Dad be more considerate? I feel that he’s lost touch a little with the practicalities of working life since retiring, as he doesn’t seem to realise the hassle this costs us.

You said to your Dad you understood if he and your stepmother wanted to go away, so that's exactly what they're doing. Neither party is being unreasonable here; the arrangement just doesn't work any more. I think it would be fairer for you both if you made alternative arrangements.

Yes can you swap days if they more likely to be able to help on other days more reliably

If you are on Mat leave very soon it wont matter will it? Won't you be at home with your DS?

I would use your maternity leave as an opportunity to change things. Obviously your DS won't need to go to them while you are at home. Once you go back to work, just book him into the nursery.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Childcare needs to be solid, it can't be in and out. Book him into nursery!

YANBU, tell him it's not working for you. You can't be that flexible going to work so you WILL be putting DS into nursery from now on.

YANBU but it's probably a useless battle to fight now - surely he won't be having both your DC if you return to work after your mat leave? I know a lot of grandparents are fine with one but wouldn't have both on a regular basis. Which means he's no longer providing any childcare for you after next week. Just appreciate the amount he has saved you up til now and remember he's probably not doing it to be malicious, he's just not been very thoughtful.

My friends mum is like this. She insisted she would look after her DS but when it came to it she was always saying she couldn't as she was away/had plans etc. Friend decided she had to have continuous care in place and put her DD with a childminder and now her mum isn't talking to her

The mind boggles, as you are due to be off I would think about getting childcare for both for when you go back, cute a stupid reason like it's easier for you to do just one drop off and pick up!

Has he realised that you or your husband take tie off?

He doesn't think that your son just goes to MIL or nursery?

Either way, if it's no longer working then it needs changing!

My pIL want to see my kids once a day every week but they spend 6 months of the year on holiday so we still pay for full time childcare and they just have them anyway when they are here. A little annoying that I am paying for childcare and not using it one-two days a week but better than them invading my weekends!

my Dad is upset at the thought of not getting to see his DGS as much.

So let's get this clear - he isn't really helping you with childcare, he wants to be able to have regular days with his grandson. If that conflicts with other fun stuff, he does not for a second see it as a prior commitment to you. When the chips are down, childcare is your problem. He does not see himself as providing childcare or being committed to a task.

That's absolutely his right to think like that, but if that's the way it is then you have to approach it the same way. You sort childcare because it needs to be something that is sorted, not left hanging. If your Dad wants to then take his GS out for the day, he needs to book it in advance with you and you can cancel nursery or whatever.

You're the people with the jobs and commitments you can't shift, so in terms of arrangements you have to sort yourselves out first. Flexible, retired Dad and his wants (not needs) come a firm second.

Explain this, and book him into nursery.

Your dad is being pretty selfish, and doing it in the guise of helping you out is not good.

Maybe a madd thought here, Did your Mum do most of the child raising and dad went to work ?

He may not even realise

my only advice is to put your Bubs in an extra day at childcare

Put your dc in nursery.
If your dad wants to see dgc then he could perhaps pick him up from nursery for you and spend a couple of hours with him then drop him off at yours later when you get home.
Relying on parents for childcare often leads to stress on both sides for many reasons.

Why don’t you book him into childcare on Mondays and explain to your dad that you’ve realised that it’s not possible to be ad hoc and flexible in the week due to the constraints and demands of your employers. But say that he’s welcome to have DGS for weekends (and holidays in campervan?). which will be brilliant for you all when your new baby comes , as DGS will get special one to one time, and you and your DH will get time with the new baby without having to wrangle a toddler. Which will feel like time off believe me! ;-) and your dad is unlikely to take baby and DS anyway huh? So best to get them both into nursery now.

OP says that MIL has her DS and his cousins on one day, so presumably swapping would mean her giving up an extra day of her week which she (very reasonably) might not be up for.

Maybe not. It’s worth asking.

If they have committed to always doing Mondays for you then they are being a little inconsiderate to make last minute plans to go away leaving you high and dry for childcare. On the other hand they are doing you a big favour. Rather than point out their faults why not see whether it's possible to give you more notice, or maybe change the day - Monday is a popular day to include in a long weekend, for instance, so maybe if you asked them to do a midweek day it might work better? Otherwise rather than wreck your relationship by being angry about it it would be better just to find alternative childcare - presumably it would only be for a couple of weeks anyway, with you being off on maternity leave.

Tell him you are happy for him to have a day a week, but it needs to be regular and reliable and if he isn't able to do so then you need to make other, permanent, arrangements because this isn't working for you and it's a huge hassle to keep rearranging childcare all the time. Sorry but tough if he doesn't like it. He is doing it for his benefit so he can see his DGC, that doesn't mean he gets to dictate and mess you about just because it's free childcare.

After your mat leave book them into nursery. I wouldn't tell them now, just closer to the time. If they disagree then you have to tell them how much notice they have to give you and that if you cannot get the time off they will still need to do childcare.

Maybe they could pick them up early on a monday and spend afternoon with them and bring them home when you are already home?

Book him into a nursery, then you'll know where you are, and Wong feel under pressure.

🙄 * won't.

The issue is about to disappear for quite a long time though, isn't it, because of your maternity leave? Or are you planning to return to work pretty soon?

I think your dad just doesn't quite "get it" about your need to plan childcare in advance. If I were you, I would not even mention it to him at this moment, as it isn't an immediate problem and your childcare arrangements will no doubt be altered when you have a second child. Keep it firmly in mind for the future that your dad won't be reliable regular childcare for you.

If your dad and MIL are each willing to carry on looking after your older child once a week while you are on maternity leave, that could be a great help to you, and I'm sure your child would enjoy it. During your mat leave, it won't matter so much if your dad changes plans at the last minute.

In the long run, maybe your dad would be a better bet as emergency backup childcare rather than main childcare? "Dad, any chance you can look after dc from tomorrow? He's just come out in chicken pox and the nursery won't have him!"

As you are going on Mat Leave anyway, I would just sort the last couple of days, then plan when you go back to put him into nursery another day.

Anon12345ABC and fizzygreenwater are spot on! I also don’t agree the problem will just disappear with maternity leave - fine OP will be able to take DC on a day he can’t have her, but the principle of him messing her around is still there. I also think with a new baby perhaps OP will still want her toddler to spend a bit of time outside the outside so she gets a break.

I think you now need to arrange formal childcare and use your Dad as and when you can. Treat him as a luxury rather than first call

Thank you for all the good and considered advice so far, I really do appreciate it.

@Tambien @Bramble71 There’s probably been a bit of miscommunication between me and Dad – as @EricTheGuineaPig mentioned, when I said it was ‘fine by me for you to go away’, I very much meant on the odd Monday. I didn’t want them to feel they couldn’t. But I would be expecting maybe 2-3 missing Mondays in a 6 month period, whereas they have actually been away roughly half of the Mondays in 6 months. The balance is way off what I was expecting when trying to make them feel the odd Monday off wouldn’t be an issue!

@TheMaddHugger Yes – you are spot on. My Dad went to work and my mum was a housewife. I often think now that his expectations of childcare may be way off due to this fact. Example, he absolutely hates dealing with pooey nappies. My DS is potty trained now, but he had a poo accident the other week – because my Dad is not good at spotting the warning signs – and Dad FLUSHED. THE. SOILED.PANTS.DOWN.THE.TOILET. Seriously, who does that? If they were beyond saving put them in a plastic bag in the bin! But no, he risked breaking my plumbing instead…. I think its fair to say hes a little out of touch with some of the practical aspects, although he’s generally a very proud and caring grandad in other respects. He’s also not very good at making sure DS has naps and things like that, which can make life harder for us, as I get home exhausted from work and pregnant to a fractious toddler who hasn’t slept all day and is over tired for bed time.

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Good thought, but @MargaretCavendish is correct - not possible. My MIL is sort of retired but also does gardening and dog-walking as well as being a First Responder (incredible lady). She has 5 other grandchildren that she also partially looks after (school run for two and a couple of hours with one other) so Tuesday is the day that it fits around her other commitments and I wouldn’t ask for me, she does a lot for us all.

@birdladyfromhomealone @Saracen Yes, I will be on mat leave for a year from July with DC2, so this is very shortly to be a non-issue – which is why it irritates me more that they couldn’t have timed this last break better!

@ You are very right – I have thought about exactly this issue. I can’t really imagine him coping too well with two of them (I’m terrified enough about that prospect myself!). I have raised this with him and said we are happy to put DS into nursery for an extra day a week, and Dad/my step mum just to have DC2 – if they still want to. I’m not sure I’d want him to have both of them. We sort of agreed to cross that bridge when we come to it, as its quite far away now. It would be easier if DS1 was going to school any time soon, but he’s a September baby so will be in nursery until he’s 5.

@Zaphodsotherhead You could be onto something, but I have asked him directly a few times if he still wants to do it (especially as he’s had a couple of episodes of bad health) and he always insists he wants to do it, it’s the highlight of his week, wouldn’t miss it for the world etc. So I’ve offered him an ‘out’ if need be, thinking it may be easier for us as well but so far, no dice.

@nannyOgg @NoirBlanc*@Mari50 @spotspot* @Sunnymeg @Seeline @BangPippleGo @hooochycoo Yes, I think the best thing to do, like many of you have said, is to put my son into nursery for an extra day. We have a year’s grace while I’m on mat leave anyway, so it wouldn’t have to be until then. I wouldn’t be expecting my Dad to do any childcare while I’m off work, but I’m sure he’ll still want to come some Mondays and then can take DS1 out for an hour or two.

Thanks all, I feel much clearer about how to handle it now.