To think people don't take gay relationships as seriously as straight ones?

[daimbars]

Examples I can think of at work include my wedding (or civil partnership as it was back then). When other people got married there was a whip round and we all put in a fiver for a card and present. When it was my CP I got nothing, not even a card. Colleagues knew I was getting married and were invited to the evening do.

I don’t think it’s me that’s the problem as I got a nice card and pressie on my 30th birthday.

In my current job I asked for a day of compassionate leave for FIL’s funeral. We were close. Boss said no, I had to take annual leave as compassionate leave it only for family. Fair enough I thought until a colleague mentioned same boss had given her three days compassionate leave when her dog died!

My DW thinks people see gay marriages as close friendships and don’t give them the same respect as straight marriages.

AIBU to think she has a point? If you are straight how do you view gay relationships?

I’m not close enough to any LGBT people in work to know. I hope I would treat them equally. I would think less of anyone who thought there should be a difference. I wonder whether accidental pregnancies might fastrack m-f relationships to “serious” whereas you only get a baby after lots of time/effort if you’re gay.

On the compassionate leave point I imagine regardless of the distress the death of a FIL will generate more work than a dog, some of it urgent. After FIL died DH and I were involved in sorting out the funeral, where he’d be buried, contacting friends/Family, switching utilities to MIL’s name, working out insurance/pension, contacting solicitor to execute the will etc.

Yep, you work with dicks. My colleagues came to my (then) CP evening do, and they did a whip round for me. I was given paid leave last year when my wife was in hospital for a week with pneumonia. Both of us were congratulated when our son was born and we split the maternity leave. I've never had my marriage treated any differently to anybody else's at work, and neither has she.

Ime gay relationships are treated (even described) as 'proper' relationships if they're closer to traditional straight ones.

Ie monogamous, cohabiting, married etc.

I've lived apart from my dp for a number of years as its been hard for us to both find work in the same place until recently.
Now we are moving in together there's lots of 'proper relationship' comments.

Like there's only one way to develop, express and maintain intimacy.

You work with dicks unfortunately. I'd check your employer's policy on compassionate leave if I were you as that sounds like discrimination to me. We wouldn't necessarily get bereavement leave unless it was an immediate relative but you would get a day to attend the funeral. I got a day to attend my great uncle's funeral a few years ago.

I've experienced this too OP, in my old workplace where people were a bit dickish. Some (most) of my colleagues didn't really treat my relationship as being serious, more that I was just experimenting or going against the norm on purpose. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth when no one congratulates you on the same milestones that they congratulate straight colleagues on, after years of being together, and then one fairly new colleague got engaged four months after meeting her boyfriend and everyone got her a card and a gift.
My partner has also had a couple of male colleagues hit on her in a way they definitely wouldn't if she had a male DP, its the most frustrating thing ever

Your colleagues are horrible. I'm sorry you have to face this, and probably some other hidden homophobia that most of us are not even aware of.

Not everyone is like that though; at my work gay couples are treated the same as straight ones (including the constant pestering about when will they reproduce).

Sorry to read your FIL died OP and I am so sorry your work wasn't understanding. And what arses about the wedding too!

I do understand where you are coming from though. As a bi woman I've never had my relationships with women taken seriously but my relationships with men are all met with "when you going to move in" or "are you thinking of kids". My relationship with women haven't been comfortable talking points for some family members who take it as a "phase" or "attention" and my colleagues and some friends appear to find it all too awkward too.... so strange.

I’m surprised and agree with pps that you have idiotic colleagues management.

Mind you, in my old work there was a much higher than average amount of gay/lesbian/bi people. We took gay/lesbian relationships just as seriously, same effort put into civil partnerships weddings etc. Many gay/lesbian couples had been together longer than those in straight relationships eg 20 years, so it would have been daft not to take them as seriously!

oh wow, that's awful. Do you think now CP has been replaced by marriage for gay couples now that people might take it more seriously? I can't believe people didn't even give a card and they were invited to your wedding, they sound awful tbh

This attitude was prevalent in my office too, but not just gay couples, younger couples too. This may have been because about 80% of my gay colleagues are not of the settling down type yet, their relationships are not serious or long term - if they asked to take compassionate leave for a current partners father, it would be obviously a blag. They are very open about their fast moving relationship status in work and on social media. Same as a lot of the young straight work colleagues. However if it reached long term standards or the CP stage, then of course it would be taken seriously. Your workmates sound horrible.

I think maybe you just don’t work with very nice people tbh. I see any long term relationship as serious as any other as do most people I think regardless of it being a gay or straight relationship.

Floeer that's really interesting as you will have a direct comparison. I can well imagine people considering a bisexual woman's relationship with another woman to be a fling or experimentation and her relationship with a man to be the real deal.

daim I think there is some sort of stigma surrounding bi women's relationships, probably not helped by references in songs about it being an experiment or something that only happens after a drink.

And now I am married to a man and we have had a baby I am considered to be straight by my family and friends. I get the "yeah but your straight now though?" like me marrying a man and having a child with him has erased my sexuality. Granted I do not see me leaving DH but I still find my sexuality is an important part of me.

Interestingly, I also found I was shunned by my LGBT society at my 1st uni ( "but you have a long term boyfriend..." ) and had my sexuality mocked by the lesbians in my rugby team too.

I find myself in a really strange limbo

Floeer I think you are fairly unusual in being so open about it. I reckon bisexual people get a hard time from both gay and straight people and there's a pressure to 'pick a side and stick to it'. There's hardly any support or resources for bisexual people.

I also don't think anyone is 100 % gay or 100 % straight. I've slept with men in the past and enjoyed it and sometimes find men attractive but I would feel funny admitting this to my lesbian friends so I totally get what you mean about the LGBT society not accepting it.

Sounds like where you work is full of arseholes.

I don’t work with any gay people (that I know of) although I have done in previous jobs and they’ve quite rightly been treated as equals.

In the job I’m in just now I am certain that if someone was gay and entering into marriage or a CP then we would buy them a present as we would for a heterosexual couple and be excited about attending their nuptials.

Best wedding I’ve ever been to was a CP.

daim it is actually first time I have properly opened up about it to anyone

You just have to look at how many straight men would be happy for their gf to shag another woman (particularly if they can watch ), but if they shagged a man it'd be cheating.

Does a sexual encounter between to women not count?