Selfish partner

[Leobynature]

Advice required ladies.

My disclaimer: I love my partner, he works hard and is genuinely a nice person.

But... he is the most unromantic and selfish person ever and I am growing more tired of it.

This is what I get annoyed by:

1. My DP of 16 years is so unromantic. He rarely buys me flowers or takes me out. He forgets our anniversary. He does not buy me gifts on special occasions. Only when I request it will he take me out or buy me something. Unless I initiate or arrange for us to do something as a couple we will not do anything. I can’t remember the last time he took me out for a meal or did something nice for me on his own initiative. When I complain to him about this he mumbles an apology, makes promises then does not deliver.

1. He works a late shift. During the week, after work he will sometimes go to his mates house. On the weekend he will be out for most of the day and comes back very late. We have a 5 month old daughter. When I ask him to spend the day with us, he will complain about doing so. He will occasionally spend the day with us but then he will later disappear for a ‘few hours’ as ‘he needs his own time’I usually spend the weekend at my moms house or I occasionally see friends.

It is really starting to grate on me because I know he won’t change. I also feel annoyed when he does agree to stay in under duress as I know he really wants to be away from us doing his own thing.

He has always been like this but it is bothering me more now I have a child.

AIBU to expect him to be more romantic and to spend the weekends with us as a family?

Or should I call it a day

What are you getting out of this relationship? Does he contribute money, does he do his share of domestic work and childcare?

He does most of the housework. He is hands on with baby when home. He is affectionate. He will go out of his way for our friends and family. When we do spend time together we have a laugh. He listens to me. I have his bank card and control the finances.

1. isnt that big a deal to me and is fairly normal in a very long term relationship. Do you buy him spontaneous gifts and take him out for meals?

2. is very wrong. I would suggest you talk to him about stepping up as a father. Discuss it and agree a compromise.

If he can't even compromise with you on number 2 then yes I would be thinking about calling it a day. I can't get worked up about him not buying you flowers.

why do you have his bank card and control his finances?

I would say that everything in your Point 1 my dp is guilty of too. But it doesn't bother me. I buy flowers for the house, and he does buy Christmas and birthday presents (and Valentine's).

Point 2 is more serious imho because he's not fully engaging in family life and responsibilities. Why don't you arrange something of your own to do on a Saturday, maybe shopping in town with a friend, and leave him to look after the baby?. As a parent, he should do his bit.

AYBU....
To expect him to be more romantic? - yes probably because if he's never been that way he's not likely to change now.

To spend the weekend as a family? - no, but maybe he's having trouble adjusting to life with a baby? Are you at a SAHM?

Fruitcorner: I only have his bank card whilst I am on maternity leave so I can get things we need for the house without having to ask him for money. This was his idea.

You are not. I am also unromantic and I don’t shower him with gifts. Point taken

@single. He looks after LO when I go out with friends/ gym/ shopping etc. On some days he will spend the morning with her at his moms house b4 he starts work.

@MrJohn yes I am a SAHM

• You are right.

You mean you have a card to his account? A joint account?

So how often do you guys just hang out and enjoy each others company? He goes out both days of the weekend?

sounds like you need to get a joint account for that but obviously that's not relevant.

I think you need to talk to him. He should be spending most weekends as a family. The occasional one with friends of course is fine but every weekend is not on.

Do you have friends and family you also spend time with? Is he feeling smothered?

It’s his bank card in his name only. We should sort out a joint account.

@ shiny not a lot. Mainly late at night when he gets in.

"he.... is genuinely a nice person"

I think that statement is at odds with 1 and 2. He may not view all the things you list in 1 as important, but more significantly he is unconcerned by how you feel. He also only pays lip service to trying to make any change.

Number 2 are not the actions of a nice person. They are the actions of a selfish immature person refusing to accept their responsibilities in life. Working hard isn't an excuse to neglect your family. Presumably he'd have a job even if he was single and childless? You're working hard as well.

I wouldn't worry about flowers and romance, I'd concentrate on finding out why he's trying to live like a single man.