To have cancelled?

[ILikeMyChickenFried]

On Saturday we had a BBQ for DH's birthday. We invited his sister and her boyfriend. We asked them to arrive at 3ish.
At 4.30 she messaged me to say they'd be over soon but her boyfriend had wanted to take a nap. I asked if she had a new ETA and she said let's just wait and see when he wakes up.

By this point it was 5ish, he BBQ was ready to cook, we were hungry and in an hour and a half would have to start getting the children to bed. I said it would maybe be better if they didnt come. She's ignored me and DH since, so was AIBU to cancel?

flown not flowing

Mammy I don’t know. It was quite a long thread tho.

Has the bf got narcolepsy or something?

I was gonna say perhaps they thought it was a very casual get together with lots of guests, where it’s fine for them to show up late or not at all and it doesn’t really impact much (with the understanding that if they arrive late and the food is gone then they’re just outta luck), though it’s still extremely rude she didn’t bother to let you know she’d be late until 90 minutes after the start time!

But then I saw it was just the four of you!

Did she know that? As that changes everything and she’s basically stood you both up in the rudest way imaginable. I wouldn’t be chasing or trying to get in touch, fuck that.

I think I might have said that we were going to eat without them and just done that but you weren’t unreasonable to tell them not to bother.

In those circs I would have started the barbecue but not told them that they were no longer welcome. Agree with other posters that it sounds like there is more going on in your sister’s relationship, so I’d be kind to her.

I have told cf friends not to bother in very similar circumstances.
Who do these people think they are !
Never invited them again

YANBU, they had plenty of notice.

You didn't really cancel - they did, by not showing up at the appointed time, only texting 90 minutes later, when they still had no idea of arrival time.

Have you met the BF before? Do you have any worries about him? Why couldn't your sister wake him? Or come on her own without him? Those 2 questions would worry me.

She sounds very young OP.

I'm guessing they had been up very late the night before, do they like to go clubbing etc?

She should have said "So sorry we are running late, please go ahead without us, we'll catch up".

You weren't rude. Keep it classy though, if she isn't normally like this, maybe something is going on that she is getting upset about. Ask if she's ok. Sometimes things are going on that others know nothing about.

The trick we use here is when we invite people we say "we're eating at 4 so come for about 3.30"? That way they know the score and we're not being rude if they're late. It takes 30 minutes to get a barbecue running well anyway so I'd have had it on well before 3 anyway.

no Yanbu
do you think you can just let it go.if so maybe text her let her know that whatever happened this weekend your family so come round for cuppa when you ready.but then you have to really be willing to let it go.
sister and brother make mistakes with eacohter.if your close to her you might have to come to a point of it being a dickish thing but move on.
but Yanbu it was wrong.but we can all be asswholes sometimes and If its a once off...

Just the two of them, no kids to wrangle? How rude is that!

Ugh I hate people being late. Like really late. Unless there's a really good reason, and having a nap isn't that.

We invited some friends to join us and other friends at a pub for a meal once. We waited for them for over an hour. I was embarrassed that our other friends had to wait too. Apparently they are "always like that" - well maybe they are but I haven't invited them to anything since because it's rude and inconsiderate, and I won't.

I think friends (and family) should be a bit more respectful to each other

Good for you for not accommodating their rude behavior.

She was being really rude. My mum can be a bit like this (although not this bad). She will just arrive when it suits her with little regard for the time specified. For example she will come for dinner at 7.30 rather than 6.30 because she wants to eat later. So annoying. Let her sulk!

Why was he annoyed about the BBQ? I take this is the boyfriend?

So it was set for 3 & one & a half hours later(!!!!) she got in touch.

What was that all about?

Surely you didn't just sit about waiting though?

Eliza9917, I think it's the OP's DH who was annoyed.

Unless there is a very good reason I would be pissed for a while at the rudeness. I would have just eaten whenever I wanted though and if they turn up they could have whatever was left over. Being late and apologising is fine, but to such an extent and expecting people to wait is ridiculous.

OP, I don't know why, but I get the feeling she might be scared of her boyfriend, too scared of his temper to wake him up. I'd perhaps try to have a chat with her on her own to see if she's ok. She mightn't even realise that this is not ok, so be prepared for defensiveness, but let her know you're there for her if she ever needs you.

I agree with the PPs who have wondered whether this is a red flag that your SIL's boyfriend is abusing her, and hence she was too afraid to wake him up or go without him. If not, surely she would have either woken him up or gone without him.

Of course they might just be very rude and immature. Do they have form for this?

SIL and BF were inexplicably rude.

I definitely wouldn't be chasing them up any more. They'd need to apologise unreservedly before I'd even consider talking to them again.