Am i a bad friend?

[Tangled59]

Sorry in advance if this is long.

I have a friend and she's exhausting me. I feel bad writing that but i just need to vent.

Im 30, have a DP, no kids.
Shes 40, 3 kids, messy separation, divorce still pending.

Ive known her for around a year.

Shes been through a lot lately and I've tried to be there as much as I can but its just too much for me.

Naturally her conversations right now are all very intense, about entering a new period of life, personal development, etc. This makes total sense but im at a different time in my life, im overworked and dont have much headspace. What i need from my friendships now are an opportunity to be lighthearted and have fun - does that makes sense? I know this makes me sound cold but im just ranting here as i said.

She takes me up on literally every offer - now this i know AIBU about and i have learnt my lesson. But for example she was having a dinner and i suggested i could make something like 2 or 3 quiches or something. I actually forgot about it until the day before when she texted me to remind me about the "3 quiches". After the dinner I said "maybe you and the kids can come over for dinner next week, tuesday or wednesday or something" (you'll have guessed by now im annoyingly vague, i know).

Monday night she texts me "are we still invited for dinner?"

Dont get me wrong I do know AIBU to suggest stuff if im not fully happy tondo it, i have learnt that now. Im just used to people being a bit less "on it" (myself included).

Her boys have taken a shining to DP (hes a great guy).

Me and DP live together and he works until around 9pm.

Anyway, last week i had her and the kids over for dinner and let the kids go on Dp's PS. When DP got in (shattered), my friend was basically pushing him to play with the kids on the PS, which he did although i could see he was tired.

Now I have a text from her saying she wants to invite me and DP to hers for a FIFA night (????) on the PS and asking me to confirm what dates we are free. DP works 6 nights a week and as sweet as her kids are (theyre lovely) this isnt his ideal night off.

When we hang out just me and her it all gets very intense and about "life changes" etc very quickly, and whilst I do really like her I just cant deal with that much intensity.

I feel awful because shes so sweet and caring and very vulnerable right now, trying to build herself back up, but its gotten to the stage where i dread opening messagea from her because it will be trying to tie me down to something.

Its a personality thing i guess - i dont actually look to my friends to support me as much as she does (she told me she needs to feel surrounded and not alone), i look to my friends to help me forget the grind of life for the moments im with them.

Does that make sense?

Sorry this is fucking long! I needed to get that out.

Im thinking maybe i should take back some control? Get back into suggesting more "frivolous" activities, stuff i want to do, rather than "fielding" her?

I had a similar experience op

This particular friend was constantly ring and texting, sobbing down the phone, it’s a very, very long story but I understand where your coming from.

In the end I did stop speaking to her, I know that makes me sound like a heartless bitch bit I felt like I was being harassed, anyway if it’s getting to you, could you back off a bit?

Or stop offering things?

"I feel awful because shes so sweet and caring and very vulnerable right now, trying to build herself back up, but its gotten to the stage where i dread opening messagea from her because it will be trying to tie me down to something."
Perhaps you should indeed feel awful. Because this poor lady takes the things you say literally. You offer stuff and she accepts. How awful of her. She does not understand that you are offering things you only have a vague intention of perhaps fulfilling. If you don't want to do something, don't offer it. Some people don't understand flakiness, and they are probably thinking how lucky they are to have a wonderful friend who supports them in their life changing times.

How did you meet?

I meant 'way in' to share your evenings and spare time, OP.
The warmth and ease of your home would be something I would be drawn towards in her circumstances, so I would be careful, that's all.

Keep her friendship and make her welcome but if I got in at 9pm and had to play on PS with someone's kids, I wouldn't be happy.

Have you actually asked you DP about the FiFa night?

Yabvu you are offering these things.She agrees and then its like a chore for you to follow through.
You sound very mean op.

“I think you need to stop offering things and giving invitations for stuff you don't really want to do, and then resenting her for taking you up on them”

Exactly this

You seem irked by her generally. And i don’t get how pps have gone from ‘she tried to get your dp to play fifa with her dc’ to ‘she wants your dp to be her dc’s new dad’ tbh - they have a dad already?

You’re at different stages in your life - for eg the text about dinner may have been because she was meal planning/shopping for the week - when you have 3 dc you can’t just amble through the door and think ‘ooo what do i fancy for tea’ every night, esp as a lone parent - she can’t think ‘i’m knackered, fuck it i’ll have coco pops’ or pop out to the shops for something she’s forgotten in the middle of cooking, it’s not like being childfree.

She’s extended a return invitation, which is perfectly polite and not remotely needy or clingy - you can either accept on behalf of you both, accept on just your behalf ‘because dp is busy’ or whatever, or decline. It’s an invitation not a summons. There’s honestly no need for handwringing and second guessing and ascribing motives to her that in all probability aren’t there.

Agree with what's already been said. You have to stop being so flaky with your time - be precise. She's done nothing wrong and being a single parent with three kids needs a lot of logistical planning. You are in a different phase of life - I like what someone said upthread, don't phase her out, fit her in but to a time that suits you too.

I'm in a slightly different phase but nonetheless feeling somewhat smothered sometimes. I am married with 2 kids. Have a friend, also married, kids have left home and husband works away. She's always sending out flaky invites with a hours notice which often involve driving to next town for some arty show which only suits the adults. It all sounds great and done with the best of intentions but just does not fit in to our lifestyle right now. She says oh just bring the kids without realising that a) they'd hate it as it's an adult activity, b) I'd hate it coz I'll be watching them. She constantly sends photos or messages on WhatsApp and buys me presents all the time. She needs people around her a lot and it makes her come across as needy. However I do like her and her DH and have just learned to be firm and do what suits us.

I don't think the OP is being particularly flaky, perhaps the dfriend is possibly being a bit too reliant and/or needy.

Is she trying to use your DP as the man in their lives for her kids? Fifa evening? I’d rather poke my own eyes out! What are you two meant to do while the kids and your DP play bloody FIFA?

perhaps the dfriend is possibly being a bit too reliant and/or needy. Imagine the cheek of the friend being polite with an invitation.

Op i dont have many friends but what boils my piss is fake friendship.And offers that have no intention of happening.

Offer the invitation because you want to.She doesnt sound particulary needy or cf.And if you dont want to be her friend,thats fine as well.Just be honest.

Thanks for all the replies!

I dont think shes trying to use DP as a replacement dad for them. But there is possibly a bit of subconscious "awwing" going on in her head, DP has a load of nephews so he's really good with kids, they all love him, picks them up and chucks them about (in a good way ) you get the picture. I think its possible she misses that family unit feel and seeing DP with the kids gives her that.

Shes actually very casually seeing a mutual friend of ours - sadly he has asked me for advice because he feels the same way (he likes her but finds it smothering and didnt want to get so intense so fast).

I told DP about the fifa night plans and he sighed. I think that means if i ask him to go he will go.

We actually met at an event i organised at a local gallery so maybe i will try and recapture that, doing stuff outside the home with her.

@Maelstrop
I know!!!!

@TheVanguardSix
Very sweet of you!

Yep, flakers unite!

Im not a bad person, but im someone who likes time alone and i process my hard times alone too (yep, even when single, even when in serious dire straits).

So the idea of forming a support network around myself is a little foreign to me.

Stop misleading her. You’re being unfair to her. Be honest. Tell her DH isn’t up for Fifa because he’s only got one night off. Only offer her quiche and meals if you sincerely want to make them. Stop being so spineless and leading her up the garden path.

Start meeting up at the cinema if you want to meet but not end up talking endlessly about divorce

onepoundsfifty your post needs a Venn diagram. Onepoundsfifty I agree with you there re friendships etc..

I don't understand why you offer things if you don't really want to do them.
I really don't understand why you then are annoyed with your friend for thinking you meant what you said. Stop saying stuff, it's not your friend's fault you keep doing that.
How is it smothering if you invite her to do things?
YABVVU.

OP, in the nicest possible way - this is entirely of your own doing. You offered the quiches so of course she planned it with that in mind, you invited her for dinner and she took you up on it....she hasn't done anything wrong.

Agreed.

As per other PP, if you don't have any intention of following through with things, don't offer in the first place.