To wonder why co-dependency is always considered to be bad

[DragonMummy1418]

Interested in an intelligent informative debate, not mud slinging.

If you have a good partner or a genuine person in your life like a sibling or a parental figure... why is it so bad to be dependant on that person?

Children are always dependent on their parents. That is very natural, so why do we have to be so independent as adults?

I know you shouldn't rely completely for emotional support on one person but if that person is trust worthy and they are the person you feel safe and comfortable with then why can't you allow yourself to rely on them to help you feel happy?

Because they might die. (Disclaimer: I have no idea but this sprung to mind when reading your OP).

Touché Domino20
That's as good a reason as any! Not one I'd actually thought of.

It's because the opposite of codependency is not independence . Neither is it a term for healthy inter-dependency.

It's about becoming dependent in unhealthy ways on someone who is themselves facing major issues (alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, or just plain entrenched nastiness). And that is bad, even if someone is currently getting their 'fix' from playing the martyr

Codependency as a behaviour generally goes beyond the sort of normal, loving, reciprocal attachment which characterises healthy relationships. People who are codependent form one-sided attachments, often disregard their own needs in favour of supporting or maintaining the needs of the other person, and struggle to be "themselves" in a relationship - everything is about feeling wanted and needed as a caregiver and being dependent on the the other person for the affirmation that being a caregiver provides them. It's not a healthy dynamic.

Being able to rely on someone to whom you're committed (and for them to be able to rely on you) is adult behaviour. Co-dependency is heavily conditional. You sacrifice your own needs and desires to keep someone else at the centre of the relationship, and no real growth is possible as you reinforce each other's patterns of behaviour.

And in any relationship, dependency isn't really sustainable. Most of us attach to people in our lives and form mutual bonds for giving and receiving care, affection, love and support - but that's different to being dependent on another person for those things.

Being interdependent is good

But as with everything
Being co depends usually ends up badly as you simply can manage with out support and also being to independent because you don’t ask for help even when your failing

Take drug users to drug users together are co dependent and usually keep each other locked in a cycle of drug use even if the other wants to quite

My first thought was because they might die.

They might do lots of other less severe things - move away, change, get ill etc that renders then not able to be fully depended upon.

Also codependency usually has a power imbalance - child and parent is the perfect example but if you rely 100% on anyone, they have power over you.

Would you want a nt adult to be so dependent on you that you couldn't make choices based on your own needs? That if you broke your leg and needed to go to hospital that you'd have to think about their emotional well-being first? And not for a child we've chosen to have but to another adult who has picked you?

And finallyv why would you want so much of your happiness to depends on another adult? Why would you not want to be able to take care of yourself, to make your own choices in life, to not be at the mercy of someone else's life?

I'd be broken hearted if DH left, but I'd cope, I'd get through it for my son if nothing else. Not doing that because I'd allowed myself to become wholly dependent on,DH would be against everything I want to be as a mum

Because being dependent on someone makes you vulnerable. If they die/leave are you now financially fucked? Are you completely and utterly alone because you’ve depended on them to keep you company all day long? Will your mental health plummet because you relied on them to make you feel good rather than maintaining your own mental health?

Let’s say they don’t die or leave, how are you vulnerable? Well, if you’re reliant on someone for money, you’re vulnerable to them becoming abusive. Controlling what you need to do for them go get the money, controlling what you can spend and what you can buy.

Sometimes we have no choice but to be dependant on someone, health care needs for example. Things we just cannot do for ourselves. But generally it’s best not to be totally reliant on someone else or have them reliant on you.

My mother and I were co-dependent, I guess, or maybe just extremely dependent. When she died I went off the rails for 2.5 years and lost everything. I'm alive today only because it wasn't 'my time' to go.

Because it one person alone is responsible for your life's happiness, they are also responsible for your unhappiness, and nobody should have that power over another person. You've got to hold that power within yourself.

Some very interesting and intelligent replies here that I hadn't thought of.
Great food for thought!

I guess I'm thinking of inter-dependence rather than co-dependence maybe?

Personally because I ended up exhausted and depressed - I never guessed the reasons were because I was caring for my husband’s and others’ needs more than my own.

And also because my husband died - unexpected death. Left me financially unstable and feeling like I couldn’t cope in the world.

2 years on I’ve discovered I can more than cope on my own, I can thrive, and I feel much better for taking care of my own needs above anyone else’s. It means I can be present for my son in a much more connected and meaningful way than I ever could be.

A lot of counselling has and still is helping me.

Agree with Estrella - it’s about being personally responsible for your own happiness and for your emotions. No one else has the power to make you happy and it’s unfair to put that burden/power in someone else’s hands.

Agree with Estrella - it’s about being personally responsible for your own happiness and for your emotions. No one else has the power to make you happy and it’s unfair to put that burden/power in someone else’s hands.
i only just leaned this crazy I am in my 30s I kept airing for dh to affirm me