What to do when Ex lies about you

[DreamsAndGoals]

Just that really. I’ve namechangrd because this is very outing. Basically I’m separating from my stbexh, he is EA, lazy and a big man child. Because he had emotionally abused me for years, never helped me around the house or with the DCs. Never cared when I was ill or just given birth, still had to do everything. He couldn’t hold a job and would rather lay in bed all day play games on his phone then help out with the DCs/house. Because of all this, I have lost all respect and love for him. I’m exhausted.

2 years ago we went to see my mum, my family are very academic, we spoke about education and if I wanted to go back and study, what I wanted to study, how I would do it etc. Ex didn’t like this and he felt they were pressuring me into doing things, and he got angry started arguing with my family, then stormed off. He felt like “they were trying to change our lives”, 6 months ago I told him I wanted a divorce. Breaking point was when I was ill one day, and I begged him to help me with the DCs, he refused and lay there in bed watching YouTube videos, and I had to run around like a headless chicken trying to take care of the house and the kids.

Anyway now he’s going around telling his friends and family and everyone that wants to listen to him, that the reason why we’re separating is because of my family, my mum ruined our marriage because she encouraged me to go study/work.

When the reality is I’ve always wanted to work, but every time I find a job I like he will always find a reason why I can’t apply for that job. Even before we went to see my mum, I spoke to him about going back to uni and he said I wasn’t thinking of the children and I was being selfish. My DCs are primary school age btw.

I’m just upset that he’s telling everyone my mum is the reason why our marriage broke down, and not the fact that I’ve had enough of his abusive man child behaviour and doing everything on my own. I’ve realised over the years that he never wanted me to succeed in life, or have anything for myself. He just wants me to be a SAHM and just look after the children. It’s like he’s intimidated or something. I’ve always been very ambitious.

How should I deal with this? A part of me just gonna go and tell these people the real reason.

Yes indeed Absolutely, funny enough we're civil now but we've had our fair share of problems and I'm not keen on his mum, but she was at the house a lot and she saw that I did everything, and he was just this big toddler slumped on the sofa with his phone. So even though she thinks the sun shines out of his arse, deep down she knows what he's like. Sometimes I think to myself, if his next relationship ends who is he going to blame then? What is he gonna say? Cuz it can't possibly be him that's something wrong with

I found that the people who believed him weren’t the people I wanted to be friends with anyway.
I’m a great believer in education, it gives you choices. You’re doing the right thing

If anyone hears 'we are breaking up because she wanted to go back to uni/get a job' and doesnt think your ex is a twat they are not worth worrying about. Good luck with your studies and enjoy you new better life.

Congratulations on finally taking control of your life, you won't regret it.
It really doesn't matter what other people think, it is more important what YOU think because you know the truth.
The people whose ears he is nipping are probably wondering how you put up with him for as long as you did!
Wishing you all the best in the future.

*You have school age kids, no disabilities and currently neither of you are working?

Personally if your ex said that to me I’d think “well of course at least one of you needs to study or work. What sort of lazy pointless person are you?”*

This ^

Just smile and say 'Oh is THAT what he told you' and give your head a little shake. These people are all the same. Abusive men lie when they get binned.

My exH did a lot of this "storytelling" when we split up. I finished with him because he was a useless father, incredibly selfish and needed to flirt with anything that moved. Here's some of his little tales that got back to me:

He found me in bed with another man
I was a drug dealer
I was selling my body
I was having an affair
I was driving without a license (I had one)
I was stopping him see the kids
He was paying a huge amount of maintenance as well as coats and shoes etc

my best friend was taken in with his bullshit and even my own parents for a while. When they called me to question his crap I simply said it wasn't true but it's up to them who to believe. My friend chose him and parents chose me.

I left last year, after a very long time. I've pretty much stuck to saying I had my reasons, and almost everyone else filled in the blanks, mainly because they could see ex for who he actually is.

OP, don't worry. People will have got his measure ages ago, they'll be able to understand your actions.

Nothing
Haters gonna hate and players gonna play

My ex talks all kinds of shit about me

Not many people believe people like him. They’ll know what he’s like.

MIL did a smear campaign on BIL when he left SIL, not one person in the family believed a word she said.

Good luck with your life well lived!

So many exh/exdp do this. As everyone else has said, rise above it. Just shows you you're doing the right thing. Good luck with your new and better life!

My exh lies constantly about what I’ve done, what I do, what has happened and how hard done to he is. I used to get really mad as IT JUST ISN’T TRUE.
However, I realised that by causing a fuss denying it I was just fuelling his drama and was still being controlled by him.
Now I let it all slide. The important people in my life know my truth. And I know the truth. And that’s all that matters.

Sorry to hear that ems, guess she wasn't a friend after all.

It's like you've described my life, my boyfriend was exactly the same, always lay in bed till noon when we had a young baby, I always had to beg him to do anything even when I was 8 months pregnant and had a virus and had to physically crawl to a taxi to the doctors. I finally left and he's telling absolutely everyone my family have poisened my mind and it was me who was doing all that to him.

There was alot more to it that was alot worse, the only advice I can give istry your hardest to rise above it and ignore him, those that really matter are the ones who know the truth and will support you. Sorry not very good at the advice because I'm still struggling with it myself! I've just found the more I ignore everything he's doing the more desperate he gets. You can't control others but you can control yourself and your own actions.

Years ago My kids once asked about why I let xh say things about me and never stick up for myself or fight back. My answer was this. Anyone who truly knows me knows I'm not like that. I don't care about those who don't know me and if they know him, they will soon find out what he's really like and not believe a word he says anyway.

My MIL told me, before our wedding, good luck, he has a huge chip on his shoulder, if you can manage that you're a better woman than I am. I was young and confused. Married him, chip was least of the problems. I'm pleased she didn't have to see what he did during our divorce (sadly, she died when our youngest was very small).

But, two things she said to me, about differences going public:

Those who shout loudest have most to hide (and inferred soonest mended)

And

Dignity costs nothing.

She was so right and I still miss her 20 years later.

She also told me, prior to wedding, to set up a 'running away fund' in case it was needed. It was, and I truly wish I could have thanked her.

I'm glad I kept quiet, kept my dignity and never said a bad word about him to anyone. It, does make me wonder what my lovely MIL had to endure in her marriage to give me this advice and if she saw my EXH as being like his father.

Wow Ninco, that's some good advice! I wish i had that kind of relationship with my MIL. Even though she's told me that most women wouldn't put up with him, she would still take his side over mine. She would always find faults in everything I did, he was the golden boy.

He could beat me black and blue, and she would still sit there, drink tea with him and pretend like nothing happened.

Anyway now he’s going around telling his friends and family and everyone that wants to listen to him, that the reason why we’re separating is because of my family, my mum ruined our marriage because she encouraged me to go study/work.

And by that he’s telling everyone he didn’t want you to study or work and that he thought his word was more important than you. Perhaps people will listen to him and hear that you are clever, talented and ready to give of yourself. Perhaps they will also hear that they don’t want to be around someone like him.

He sounds awful, you're well rid of him. Let him say what he wants, he will sound like a sad act looking for any reason other than his own failings.

Go back to study, work and make your life what you want. Leave him to his computer games, sofa and a life half lived.