Do I stay or do I go?

[Micsays]

My husband, who has previously had decent paying jobs, has now been out of work for six months. He left his last role because he was on his second warning for performance issues and he wanted to leave before he was pushed.

7 weeks ago I had our second child. We have pretty much used up all savings and now I have to face the possibility of going back to work. To say I’m pissed off is an understatement. Having gone through 4 years of ivf to now have to go back to work seems incredibly unfair.

Whilst he is trying to get a job, I don’t think he is hustling as much as he could. He doesn’t listen to me about reaching out to contacts etc. he just goes through recruiters etc.

In addition to this, he is bad with money leaving us pretty vulnerable and unable to really get ahead, even when he does work. I guess what im asking is, at what point do you leave a marriage because you think financially you think you’d be better off single?

I’d go now. He knew he needed a job because you were already pregnant when he walked out of his last one.
If you’ve got somewhere to go then go. It’ll either be the wake up call he needs, or the start of your life without him

Have you actually spoken to him or given him an ultimatum? You're right he's put you in an incredibly unfair position. Does he seem bothered that you may have to go back to work or does he just assume he will become a SAHP without any proper discussion?

It's up to you whether you leave or stay. Maybe I'm naive, but it should be about love and friendship as well as finances. You haven't mentioned whether you like/love him.

That aside, with a proper discussion, if you're not breastfeeding, there's no reason he should work and you stay at home with baby rather than the other way round.

I’m in two minds about this. After six months of unsuccessfully looking for a job and being told he was not good in the previous ones, his confidence might be on the floor and your attitude may be making things much more difficult for him.

On the other hand, I understand your frustration at not having someone to your side that can pull his weight in the way you expect.

Either way I think you need to consider what is better for your family, whether he is bringing to the table things that are more important than money or you can manage to survive financially on your own with small children. I am on my own and at some points I had to work up to three jobs in order to make ends meet... it really doesn’t help to enjoy your children as you are so tired anyway you have not much energy left to play even if you get home at a reasonable hour, but the worst part is not having a second pair of hands that can take over when I’m struggling to fit everything that needs to be done on a day.

I would be disappointed with the situation but I think that in your case leaving him now may make things substantially more difficult for you.

By leaving him now, I meant, leaving him now when there is a new baby arriving so soon. You don’t want that level of stress, at worse, he can play the role of au pair while he is looking for a job.

You'd leave him because he's temporarily unemployed yet is actively looking for a job?

Yes! Go! Do him a favour.

How would you be financially better off? If you stay together and one of you gets a job (either of you) then you won't have to pay for a nursery. If you leave and then get a job yourself, and he does too, you'll have to pay for childcare.

Not sure if this is really about money or if you're just sick of him to be honest...unless you will have a job with a decent wage, £1k a month will be forked out on childcare and you won't be at home with DC anyway.

I don’t think that it is sensible to allow your DH to assume the role of full time carer when you are wondering if the marriage can survive.

I would be really cross as well btw. Being a SAHP should be the result of a a mutual decision between you, not something for him to do as a fall back from failing to get a job.

Only you know if the relationship is worth saving or whether he is having health problems which are effecting him. What has changed since he could hold down a job?

But I would be pretty decisive here and stop the SAHD plan in its tracks. Suggest that he gets some temp work to help out. A sensible man would understand your fears and try to allay them.

Why can't he be the Stay at home parent and you get a job if you're more capable & driven? ?

I wouldn't consider the sahd route for myself.

Wouldn't want to find myself trapped working full time while he stayed at home. That's the reality.

If you genuinely feel he's not trying hard enough that's really serious and I'd give him an ultimatum.

What does he think is going to happen? What does he suggest?

Having gone through 4 years of ivf to now have to go back to work seems incredibly unfair.

IVF or not, the reality is parents have to go to work to provide for their family.

You seem to have married an airy sort of bloke who doesn't seem to understand this.

I'd leave because I had no respect for him.

Sorry but they're a family unit and I'm getting a sense that everyone thinks the mum should be the SAHP, if she's capable to get a job then she should be the breadwinner.

Bringing money into the household is responsibility for both parents. Looking after the kids is also responsibility for both parents. No need to stereotype.

Thanks for your perspectives.

I dont automatically think it is the woman’s role to stay home- I worked 4 days a week until a week before I gave birth - during what as a very physically difficult pregnancy.

I had hoped that taking time off after the baby would allow me to spend with my older child as well. I have not been very involved in her school life and hoped that I could spend the rest of this year being more involved.

His parents, despite earning heaps during their working years barely get by financially now. I think I’m jut concerned that in 20 years time our retirement would be as awful as theirs - living hand to mouth- as he can’t get it together financially now when I’m relying on him during a vulnerable time. I’m wondering if this is what the future holds.

He’s a lovely father, but I guess for me, financial security is more important now than a lot of other factors.

I don't blame you to be honest. My DH found himself unemployed a few years back and he spent hours looking and got himself a job in the supermarket. He has a 1st class degree and was overqualified but was willing to do the worst shifts they had just to get the job so he could pay the bills. Walking out on his job was stupid. I would be struggling to respect him for walking out when he did.

How is he bad with money?

Best advice I got in my life: if you need to leave, leave but leave at the time that works better for you.

That time is definitively not when you have a small child and another on the way and you need to keep working FT to keep a roof above their heads and therefore paying £££££ in nursery fees.

Hold in there until you are ready and it is a better time to leave for you and your kids.

If you re thinking of leaving I would be wary of the SAHD role as he might have a better custody claim (as the primary carer). Does he have form for letting you down at crucial times? Is he being an ostrich about the job hunt? I think you need to have a serious talk. Good luck.

I think I'd sit him down and lay out how you're feeling. This would not be an ideal time to split up, but if he's really not willing to be the husband and father you need him to be then he needs to know that you're on the brink of breaking up with him over it. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to go out and get a job. And if it's not, well then you'll have your answer. If he's a good father and a decent partner in other ways then I think you should at least give him a warning shot across the bows.